Friday, January 27, 2006

Learning

I have been thinking about the past few days non stop. I think I've managed about four hours of sleep since Tuesday, the rest of my time has been dedicated to thinking and processing.

After cutting myself I did feel relief. For a short time. I went through most of yesterday feeling worse than I did before I cut. I'm incredibly glad this was the was outcome.

I realized that by cutting or burning myself I am causing myself more pain and trauma. I am mutilating my body, scarring my body. I am repeating the actions of my father through burning. When I cut or burn, sometimes there is relief, sometimes those feelings I am cutting to get away from increase. Every time I hurt myself I am causing more shame, more guilt, more pain (physical and mental) and more secrets to carry.

In realizing this, I can really truly see how maladaptive and dangerous this behavior is. I have been told prior that it is maladaptive, but I finally experienced it on my own. I guess that is what I needed to do in order to put a REAL action plan into place.

I don't want to keep hurting myself. I don't want to keep scarring my body and adding to the guilt, shame, anger, pain, and any of the other feelings I feel that I haven't learned to name yet.

I also know this isn't going to stop happening over night. I may have relapses, and if I do, it has to be OK that I fall backwards while I work at creating and adapting healthier coping strategies. I have to make it OK so I don't beat myself up and end up repeating the self harm. I also know I'm going to need a lot of support to incorporate these changes. I feel ready. I feel stronger than I have in a long time.

I am also embarrassed about my last couple of posts. I'm fighting the urge to delete them because that is how I was feeling and thinking. This is my journal. This is my story of my healing, and even though people read it, it is very personal. As I go back and read what I wrote, I see it is irrational, but I will not edit it.

4 comments:

Holly said...

Hi Survivor,
It is your journey, you do want you need to do for the journey. Let it be your experience. I will read your blog, others will also read it. It is still your journey so girl you go, do what makes you happy. When you look back at that journey down the road you will see how much you have learned and the growth, healing, and being healthy!!
Everyone will learn from your personal entries, and journey.
I know I have learned from you, this is for sure your a very talented writer. Take care

survivor said...

Thank you Holly!

Your words of encouragement and support are deeply appreciated.

Look forward to talking with you more!

Revolutionary Blogger said...

Survivor,

Just wanted to let you know that I hope you dont delete some of your entries. Sadly to say, but there is so much garbage out there in the blogosphere. A blog like yours stands out for its originality and personal narrative. I'm sure it will develop a huge readership in due time. As you can tell, I have become a frequent reader and fan of your site.

Keep up the good work, and best of luck in your journey.

Ophelia said...

Hey, you.

I never cut myself and never wanted to, so I don't know what it's like to feel what you feel. But I know the anger, quite intimately well, and I know the things it can make me do. I can only tell you what I tell myself: You've been hurt enough in this life, and you're at the bottom of the list of people who deserve to get hurt even more. You owe it to yourself - to all your selves, even the screaming crazy homicidal one - to take good care of you. Be good to you.

Peace.