Learning

I have been thinking about the past few days non stop. I think I've managed about four hours of sleep since Tuesday, the rest of my time has been dedicated to thinking and processing.

After cutting myself I did feel relief. For a short time. I went through most of yesterday feeling worse than I did before I cut. I'm incredibly glad this was the was outcome.

I realized that by cutting or burning myself I am causing myself more pain and trauma. I am mutilating my body, scarring my body. I am repeating the actions of my father through burning. When I cut or burn, sometimes there is relief, sometimes those feelings I am cutting to get away from increase. Every time I hurt myself I am causing more shame, more guilt, more pain (physical and mental) and more secrets to carry.

In realizing this, I can really truly see how maladaptive and dangerous this behavior is. I have been told prior that it is maladaptive, but I finally experienced it on my own. I guess that is what I needed to do in order to put a REAL action plan into place.

I don't want to keep hurting myself. I don't want to keep scarring my body and adding to the guilt, shame, anger, pain, and any of the other feelings I feel that I haven't learned to name yet.

I also know this isn't going to stop happening over night. I may have relapses, and if I do, it has to be OK that I fall backwards while I work at creating and adapting healthier coping strategies. I have to make it OK so I don't beat myself up and end up repeating the self harm. I also know I'm going to need a lot of support to incorporate these changes. I feel ready. I feel stronger than I have in a long time.

I am also embarrassed about my last couple of posts. I'm fighting the urge to delete them because that is how I was feeling and thinking. This is my journal. This is my story of my healing, and even though people read it, it is very personal. As I go back and read what I wrote, I see it is irrational, but I will not edit it.