Thursday, January 19, 2006

because your mother won't do it

I had a flashback yesterday, during a session with my counsellor.

I was crying during the session, trying my hardest to conceal the shaky voice that often accompanies tears. I'm starting to cry again now...

The flashback and the words. I hate hate hate seeing this. It won't go away...

I have tried to push it away by visualizing my empty black room, but it's invaded the black room. It's no longer a safe space for me. I tried twisting the flashback, putting me in control, but I wasn't successful.

The flashback hit me really hard. I hadn't correlated words my father said to me during the abuse with the anger and hatred I have towards to my mother. My counsellor put it together, and I was blindsided with his words... "because your mother won't do it"

It keeps repeating over and over in my head... because your mother won't do it because your mother won't do it because your mother won't do it... all I can see is him standing in front of me forcing me to give him oral sex. It's like I'm standing on the sidelines watching this little girl (me) being forced... because your mother won't do it...

I want to say I'm sad, and really hurting... but I'm sick of being sad and hurting

Angel you sing about beautiful things
And all I wanna do is believe
But I traded my dreams for this
mess of memories
and they just stopped workin' for me
-Matt Nathanson-

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