And here's ugly

I'm working with C again (thank God) and we've been working on the feelings of abandonment I'm experiencing.

When I started writing about my mother the pain and sadness came crashing in. Talking about it with C last night felt like a 20 ton anvil was dropped on me. I started to cry as I asked C not to challenge me on a statement I was about to make... "why would I think anyone could care about me when my own mother doesn't?"

I think about that a lot. I think about the people in my life and wonder why they care? How could they care? Why do they WANT to? There's also the "ifs" - if my own mother couldn't.....

Thinking about this makes me feel horrible.

We also discovered that I hurt or push people away intentionally to see their reaction and to get verification that they do care.

It hit me like a ton of bricks to come to that realization.

I don't want to intentionally hurt anyone, especially the people that I care about or are close to me. But I can see how I do it, and I understand why I do it... it's driven by my need of needing to know that people do care about me... which is just that much more confusing when I go back to the why or how could anyone care about me...

It's all very confusing.

I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around it. I really just want to "fix" this behaviour because it's not how I want to be. I don't like it and I don't really like myself because of it. I think it makes me ugly. Manipulative. It reminds me of the things my mother does...

The one thing I know for sure is that this is behaviour isn't going to keep happening. I'm going to über-aware and try my damnedest to keep it under wraps.

I don't know anymore

I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing

I go to bed every night

I lie there waiting for sleep

Sometimes it comes

Sometimes it doesn't

I get out of bed when the alarm goes off

I have a smoke

I shower

I feed my dogs

I go to work

I spend all day wishing I was somewhere else

But I don't know where

4PM hits and I leave

I get in my car and my boyfriend drives us home

I feed my dogs

I make dinner

I sit on the couch

Numbing my mind with television

I go to bed

I lie in bed scared to sleep. Scared of the dreams. The thoughts in my head just don't end. Picture a tornado of thoughts and images swirling around with me as a speck in the middle going in circles not knowing which thought or image to hold onto or throw out

I'm going to my doctor and asking for short term disability

I put a box of hamburger helper in the fridge and lunch meat in the cupboard

I put my shoes on the wrong feet

I can't keep a steady thought in my head

I'm jumping at ordinary noises

I can't drive - can't concentrate

I have no appetite

I have no desire to do anything

It's getting worse everyday

When I asked a co-worker how a leave of absence works she asked if I was OK.

I said physically - yes

She asked me if she could ask me something without me being offended if the answer was no

I said yes

She asked if I was sexually abused

I almost jumped out of my chair in horror

She said she could see it

How I carry myself

How I back away if a man gets close to me

How my eyes look dead

I said yes

She said she could tell - I reminded her of her

She was sexually abused

She offered to take me to the Sexual Assault Center

She offered to talk to me

Anytime I needed to talk

We're going for coffee on Monday

I'm scared

Today she asked me if I was OK

I just about started crying

To counter it

I LAUGHED

I'm loosing my fucking mind

I hurt

I hurt a lot

My divorce is final

I'm divorced

I should be happy about that

I'm not

I don't fucking care

I hurt

I don't have any words to put the hurt

Just hurt

I don't want to be here anymore

I want to just go

Where?

I don't know

I don't know anything anymore

I hurt

Maybe Tomorrow

I feel like I'm in a pressure cooker and ready to implode, all of the ugliness inside me pouring out.

Nice visual...

I almost went to the hospital on the weekend to check myself in to the psych ward...

There should be awards for the best depressed/suicidal happy faces... not to toot my own horn, but I'd be in the running... almost a shoe-in to win!

I'm a barrel of hollow laughs and fake smiles. Forced and mechanical.

The one thing that isn't fake is the tears which I'm constantly choking back.

I've gone full circle from not being able to cry to crying all the time, but trying not to.

How the fuck does that work??

It's driving me insane that I can't contact C... and well, with T, I don't really want to... she scares me... too good at getting inside my head and really "seeing" ME!! I dunno, maybe I should just give up on the whole therapy deal, go back to "the face" and pretend everything is all good again... it worked my whole life so why not?

And there's one thing that makes me want to just stop therapy forever... C is taking some time off and I'm totally cool with that, very happy for her actually. But... (there's always a but, isn't there?!) I'm getting annoyed and frustrated... C emailed me a week and a half ago to see how I was, I tried to email her back but her email address doesn't exist anymore and I get delivery failure messages... seeing as how this is the only way I have to contact her, I'm now left in the dark wondering WTF? It's really, tremendously frustrating. And honestly, I don't even want to deal with it anymore... I don't know if I'm harboring past feelings or what, but I'm feeling kind of abandoned(?)... and I absolutely fucking hate that because I'm not supposed to depend on anyone for anything... all you truly have, one hundred percent, is yourself... I am the only constant in my life...

Do I even have a right to feel this way? And I don't care about the everyone has feelings and we're all entitled to our feelings... am I being selfish? I would have been better off if C hadn't even contacted me.

I'm having a really hard time with this, trying to express how I feel...

fuck sakes

It shouldn't make me feel like this. I'm frustrated. I'm hurt. I'm feeling worthless. Abandoned. Completely left alone... discarded I guess... like trash.

I want a therapist who can give me what I need. I need someone who keeps their word, who cares not because they're paid to, but because they actually do. Someone who, if you need a hug, they'll give you one... This isn't aimed at the (I guess) current T or C because they're both awesome and have helped me in their own ways, but at a new one if I do decide to go that route... does such a therapist exist? If so, how the hell do you weed them out? At the same time, maybe I already have one and I just don't see it... I don't fucking know

I'm just rambling.

I'm pissed off in general and it's coming out all over the place.

I keep thinking about this poem I read years ago. I don't remember where I read it, but I wrote it down and keep it in my wallet. I've read it about a hundred times the past of couple of weeks and the card it's on is so tear stained that I can barely read it anymore.

It makes me cry and feel more alone...

After A While
After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises

And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,

With the grace of a woman,
Not the grief of a child

And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After awhile you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
In stead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers

And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth,
and you learn and learn...
With every good bye you learn.
Veronica Shoffstall 1971

Here we go again...

I'm at a serious low and continuing to sink.

I keep telling myself I'm OK.

I'm not. I'm not OK, not even close.

I keep welling up at work. I dig my nails into my palms to keep the tears away. Everything is getting to me, and I mean everything...

I want to spend the weekend in bed. I want to be alone, but being alone isn't the best thing for me. I know this, but I still want to be alone. I want everyone to just fade away so I can sink and keep sinking because there doesn't seem to be a bottom.

My whole body aches, I've had a never ending headache for days now. The whole trade bullshit and feeling betrayed is completely fueling all of these feelings. More wood on the fire.

I'm feeling suicidal again. I'm extremely embarrassed to even admit it.

I've put so much energy into trying to convince myself and everyone else around me that I'm OK that I don't have any energy left to help myself. To try to take care of myself...

It's - for a lack of a better word - funny how I've developed like this alter ego, this other person who takes control and acts normal, happy even, while this other person is drowning and hurting so much they're close to giving up.

I don't know what to do. I've isolated myself and left no one to talk to. I stopped seeing T and can't see her without 4 or 5 weeks notice... C contacted me and I tried to reply to her email but I'm getting delivery failures. Even in the email to C, I lied. I said I'm OK. I don't know why I do that. I don't have a fucking clue. Why is it so hard for me to admit when I'm not OK, that I need help? And when I get help, and start to get comfortable enough to talk, I push them away?

March 1st - SI Day

Dr Deb posted this

Thanks Dr Deb!

Odd

Well, I survived! Yay for me... and everyone else who makes it through the battle. Gold stars all around!

It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, it usually never is. The day came and went like any other. It was the day after and today that are proving to be a big struggle.

I'm feeling... I don't know. It's kind of like I'm just going through the motions of a living person, but not living. Taking each breath but not breathing.

I'm having a hard time concentrating and trying to write. My thoughts are all over the place.

I think I miss T and C but won't admit it. OK, yeah, I miss them. But at the same time I don't. I'm becoming the person I was, the person I know, whom I comfortable with. The one who doesn't have feelings, who doesn't really give a fuck what happens...

Fuck.

I don't even know what I'm doing anymore

The dreaded day

Is fast approaching...

I find myself having spells of terrible sadness and my eyes start to tear up at, of course, the worst possible times. I was at work the first time, and I couldn't hold it in, I spent a good ten minutes in the bathroom trying to pull myself together enough to go back to my desk. Brutal.

We finally took down the Christmas tree yesterday, it was downstairs in the room where it happened. I had been avoiding that space, but really, it's February and it's time the damn thing was put away. I told my boyfriend we should just cover it with a blanket or a bag to save time next Christmas!! Unfortunately, he didn't go for that idea...

We're not doing the whole Valentines Day deal on Valentines. I told him I hate that day.. he said that hurts him because it's different now... he just doesn't understand, but that's OK because he doesn't have to, so we're going out for a romantic dinner that weekend instead.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do this year to try to make the day easier. I have a doctors appointment that afternoon so I'm leaving work 3 hours early. I think I'm going to get some good ice cream and chocolate fudge and make a kick ass sundae and go for a soak in the jacuzzi to relax and be by myself for a while so if I need to cry or just sit there staring off into space I can.

It's been a little over three weeks now without any therapy sessions and I'm kind of happy to report that I don't really miss it. I think this break is good for me as it had been almost two straight years of talking and healing. I will go back, I've made arrangements with T to go back when I'm ready and it's still OK to email her or call her if I need to. The support is still there, but I'm not using it. That's my choice. I'm focusing on just living, enjoying what I have in the moment and thinking about my... our future.

I guess at the same time I'm testing myself to see if I really can handle things on my own with all of the new skills I've learned.

And I've got something to look forward to! We're going to one of the most beautiful places on earth in April for Easter. Mica Mountain Lodge. It's amazing. I feel so at ease and peaceful when I'm there. Content. We spent one night there last Easter, and we absolutely loved it. This year we have the whole weekend. I can't wait to get out and go hiking and exploring in the mountains. Watch the sun set and rise over the jagged peaks... the birds singing... the sound of the wind rustling through the trees... If I close my eyes I can see it and I can feel the peace wash over me... these are the things that make the dreaded day more easy to bear.

If I hold on to that it will be OK...

I WILL BE OK

Some Changes

Today I made a decision that's left me sad, anxious, scared and oddly lonely.

I told T that I wanted to take a break and stop our sessions for a while.

I had been thinking about doing that since our last session when I didn't really have anything to talk about. And the main driving force is that I really can't afford it right now, which in and of itself is sad.

I'm a firm believer that your mental health impacts your physical health and vise-verse. So that being said, I believe that mental health care should also be covered by public health...

Anyway, I'm just rambling...

I also did something on Wednesday I haven't done in months, almost a year I think.

My boyfriend and I got in an insanely huge argument and almost broke up... we were right in a heated screaming match when he said "why can't you accept that there are decent men in this world and that I'm one of them?" I lost it and started crying saying "How can I" as I looked over at the couch in the basement and saw Byron pinning me I turned around and walked out of the room and went and sat in the dark in another room in the basement and just cried. There was so much pain and anger in me it felt like I was going to explode... break into a million shattered pieces... I was hyperventilating I was crying so hard, I didn't know what to do...

I burned myself.

I had forgotten what it felt like, how all of those feelings were almost instantly erased and this calm just washed over me. I held the cigarette to arm for a good 10 to 15 seconds and I watched as it burnt my skin... I was filled with a strange sense of satisfaction.

I know what I did was wrong and I know I hurt myself in more ways than just physically, but I also understand that I did what I could in the moment. I'm not beating myself up for slipping, I'm actually able to provide myself with some empathy because I'm allowing myself to "see" why I slipped...

It's all so confusing sometimes...

I'm back...

It's been such a long time since I've written anything I don't know where to start. I have been wanting to write, but being away so long this feels somewhat foreign to me now... it's like I'm forcing myself to come here and write about my feelings... it's been a long time since I've been really honest with myself or C or T about how I've really been. I feel like a fraud trying to be honest now.

Sigh.

Sometimes, I just don't get it.

Sometimes I'm so angry and filled with rage I'm scared I'm going to lash out at some unsuspecting, undeserving person and just scream my bloody head off. Or worst, cause physical harm.

That's my biggest worry... how long can I control this anger that is boiling in me? How long before I do explode into a fit of rage and hurt someone?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a maniac or a rageaholic... just someone who is incredibly angry. ALL THE TIME.

Coupled with the anger is an immense amount of sadness. I walk around every day holding it all in. Putting on the happy face at work, laughing and smiling... I was told the other day by a co-worker that I'm the happiest person they've ever met!! I laughed my ass off and thought "God, I'm good!!"

How wrong is that? How horrible is it that people don't really know me? Sure, it's just a co-worker, but with the facade I keep 24/7, does anyone really know me? Do I even know myself?

One of the reasons I stopped writing was because I'm sick of writing about the same things all the time...

"I'm so sad... I hurt so much... "

I'm just plain sick of it. I'm really doing nothing but whining and complaining about how shitty my life is... when really, asides from the past, there's nothing overly shitty about it. My present and my future are bright, I know this. Yet my past is overshadowing, drowning my present. Even worse, my future. It's one big frustrating circle...

And my one wish... always the same.
I wish I had a magic wand, a genie, anything that would wipe away my past. Anything to destroy it.

Hmmmm... I wonder if I could get hypnotized and they could wipe my memory clean from around the age of 24 or so... delete the abuse, rape, ex-husband. All of it...

How severe of a head injury would I need to sustain to get amnesia and forget my entire life?

If that happened would I be better off?

Sadly, I don't think so.

There's a part of me that is grateful for my past... I don't think I'd be even remotely close to the person I am today without those experiences, however traumatizing they were.

I realize I'm rambling about nothing in particular... once I started typing the thoughts just started flowing and it feels more natural now.

I'm glad to be back. Thanks for reading...

Crazy and Confused

It is starting to become a difficulty to find the time to write. For the first time in years I'm working a normal 8-5 schedule, I'm finding it hard to adjust. I'm happy with my job though so it's worth the struggle.

I do need to apologize as I haven't been keeping up with reading my surviving and thriving friends blogs, I do hope you are all well and even though I'm not reading, you're not far from my thoughts...

I've been struggling with feelings of sadness and despair since Saturday morning. I woke up feeling defeated and flattened. Saturday evening I was going to the liquor store and when I got to my car I just started sobbing uncontrollably - the type of crying where you start to hyperventilate. I sat in my freezing cold car for over 20 minutes hunched over just bawling. I was finally able to slow the tears and I went for a drive, a few times contemplating flooring it and smashing into something, the entire time thinking no one would know it was suicide, it would be blamed on the icy road conditions. I drove around for a long time before I was finally calmed down enough and I went to the liquor store, I only let myself get one case of Joe's Stiff Root beers and then came home. My boyfriend and his brother were in the living room watching the hockey game. I just took off my coat, cracked open two bottles and disappeared into my bedroom. I chugged back the first bottle, used my lighter to crack open the second and pounded that back. I went and got the other two bottles, lit a smoke and chugged away. After getting all 4 bottles down in less than 10 minutes I sat on my bed trying not to cry and trying to understand where this was coming from. There has to be a reason for feeling so incredibly sad, yet I can't find one.

My boyfriend came into the room to make sure I was OK and he saw that I wasn't instantly. He knelt in front of me with his hands on my knees and asked what was wrong. I told him I don't know... he said I could talk to him... it took every ounce of strength I had to hold those tears in. I wanted to crack, let the tears out and let him hold me and comfort me. I couldn't. I wanted to tell him that I hurt, it feels like my heart is dying but I couldn't... I couldn't get the words out, instead I just looked at my feet and lied... I'm OK, go watch the game. He hugged me, I held on for dear life not wanting to let him go, not wanting to be alone feeling like I was, like I still do...

I'm fighting the tears as I write this, listening to the Foo Fighters and smoking a cigarette. Wishing I could just melt into the chair and disappear forever...

"Can you go another round?
I will follow you down and out,
Let's go another round,
I will follow you down and out"

Disgust

A comment left by someone triggered this post... They admitted something I've been utterly ashamed of admitting, even to myself at times... it's time for it to come out

At times, when I was a child, I would invite the abuse from my father.

It was usually the only attention I got, and sometimes, it made me feel special.

God, just reading that makes me sick.

I remember that sometimes I would sit on his knee, wrap my arms around him and just wait for him to touch me...

I guess that makes me ultimately fucked up

And it's only fueling the "it's my fault"

Things are OK

It's been a while since I updated this... things have been going OK and I haven't been wanting to write about anything to drudge any bad feelings up...

I got a new job!!! I'm so happy! When I quit my other job, it was like this weight was lifted off my shoulders and I could breathe a little easier. That feeling hasn't gone away, and I am a lot less stressed, which means I'm sleeping a little bit better and I'm not as grumpy or short as I have been in the past few months.

It's amazing how a simple change of jobs can affect you so much.

I had a good session with T this week. We went for a walk like I had asked, mildly froze our asses off (it was -5C) for 50 minutes. The point of the walk was so I could go over the rape minute by minute, but I couldn't bring myself to talk about it, instead we spent most of the time talking about how I am incredibly angry with myself for not seeing any of the warning signs. T spent most of that time going over different scenarios and how others would have reacted to the signs...

Him calling me 5 or 6 times a day to find out where I was, what I was doing, who I was with...
Him getting angry if I didn't answer my cell EVERY time he called...
The I luv u teddy bear after a few weeks of dating...

T said that even a person who didn't have a history of sexual or emotional abuse would not see those as a precursor to rape, at the most they would have started to cool off the relationship and distance themselves. She said others might have seen it as romantic and not thought twice about it...

I guess I have unrealistic expectations of myself, and T agreed. She said I am too hard on myself and need to ease up... I laughed my ass off at that and told her C tells me that all the time. I don't know how to change that...

T and C tell me that I need to have empathy for myself... I understand empathy and I have no problem empathising with others, but it's next to impossible to have any empathy for me, I'm guessing because a part of me still feels responsible for the things my father did, for being raped and then running off to get married to an abusive man... I can understand having one of those things happen to me, but to have three absolutely horrible things happen... I see it as my fault because I should have known better. And when I say that to C or T, they usually ask if it was a friend or someone else who experienced what I have is it their fault? I always say no it's not their fault because how would they know better if they grew up with it, it's familiar to them. I just can't apply that to myself though and I don't know why, I don't know what in my head or in my unconscious blocks that out for myself...

Can anyone else relate?

The "test"

I have so much to write about, I'm not sure where to start!

In my last session with T I didn't write about something that was eating at me and now that I've talked to C and T about it, I'm OK writing about it...

When talking about the rape and telling T how it started and then happened, T said that he sounded very calculated, that I probably wasn't his first or his last victim (I HATE that word... victim)

This sent me into a tail spin... I felt so guilty for not reporting it and protecting any other women from him. I still feel somewhat guilty, but now understand that I wasn't in the place to report it... I was a wreak emotionally. I think I'm OK with that... and I know I did what I needed to do and that I'm looking back at it with regret because I wish I had handled it differently. But I am going to do something...

T told me that recently the laws have changed to allow a person to report a rape or sexual assault to the police and the police will keep it on file for 5 years. During that 5 years if a rape that is similar or is allegedly committed by the same person they will have the report to help their case. So I may not have reported it at the time, but I sure as hell am going to report it now and leave it at that.

I tested T during this weeks session. I printed off what I had written on my blog back in February about the rape and I let her read it. I wanted to see her reaction and if it was a safe environment to talk about the things that hurt the most. I discovered it is a safe environment, T is an OK person to trust with all of this.

I also asked her a few questions... if and when we go over the rape in detail, could we go for a walk while talking about it? She agreed and said it's a great idea. I told her I need to move around to get out the nervous energy and that's what I do when talking to C, I pace... but it lets me talk. I also asked her if we could go back to weekly sessions, T agreed but not until November 7th. I'm fine with that. Twice I asked for what I needed and it was well received... I was kind of uncomfortable with that because it's not something I'm used to, asking or receiving... kinda cool...

Hannah and Cedar Hawach Missing from Calgary, Canada

The childrens mother is a friend of my aunts and my aunt asked me to forward their website to all of my contacts. I decided to go one step further and post the site and their story on my blog in hopes of reaching more people.

Help Bring Hannah and Cedar Home

Hannah and Cedar Hawach Missing from Calgary, Canada

Missing Children Society of Canada, August 25, 2006: Sisters Hannah, 5, and Cedar, 2 were looking forward to going to Australia for a holiday with their father Joseph Hawach on July 1 of this year. Instead both children were allegedly abducted by their father and are now believed to be in Lebanon.

Joseph Hawach, an Australian and Lebanese citizen, and the children’s mother Melissa, from Saskatchewan, met in Australia and were married there. A year later they returned to Canada to live in Calgary with their 2 children Hannah and Cedar. The relationship however, broke down, but both parents continued to see the children. Joseph told Melissa that he wanted to take the kids to Australia for a 3 week trip and signed a written agreement, promising to return them to Canada on July 21. Sometime after he took the kids on the intended holiday, Melissa became concerned because her daily conversations with the girls had stopped and she couldn’t get in touch with them.

Her concern was well founded when it was discovered by way of phone call from one of Joseph’s family members, that Joseph had left Australia with the girls. In early August, Joseph advised Melissa that she should travel to Australia where he would meet her with the girls. She immediately flew to Sydney only to be greeted by the realization that the children were not there and were most likely in Lebanon. Joseph’s family also informed Melissa that the only way the girls would be returned to Australia would be if she agreed to live in Sydney, give Joseph full custody, and dropped the charges against him.

Melissa is working with the police, the foreign embassies and consulates and the Missing Children Society of Canada to find her daughters. For Melissa and the rest of their family and friends, the nightmare of parental abduction is just beginning and we hope that someone will be able to come forward to help Melissa find her kids.

Hannah has brown eyes, light brown hair, is 3’8” and weighs 45lb. Cedar has brown eyes, blond hair, is 2’10” and weighs 35lbs. International warrants and an extradition order have been issued for the girls’ father who has been charged with two counts of child abduction.

If you have seen these children please call the Calgary Police Service at: (403) 266 1234 or call the Missing Children Society of Canada at 1 800 661 6160.

For more information about the Missing Children Society of Canada please call Liz Ballendine, Director of Development at: (403) 291 0705 or visit www.mcsc.ca.

Missing Children Society of Canada

TGIM?!!?

I'm happy it's Monday... there's definitely something wrong!

My weekend was OK, it started off with a bang... literally.

My boyfriend, best friend and I went to see The Guardian (highly recommend it) on Friday night. We hadn't eaten dinner and saw the late show so by the time we got out the only thing open was McHeartAttackOnABun (McDonald's) so into the drive thru I drive. We're sitting there waiting when this idiot starts to back up from a parking spot. I'm watching him, waiting for him to realize I'm RIGHT BEHIND HIM, but no, he's an IDIOT and isn't looking. When he gets passed my comfort zone which was about 4 feet I lay on the horn, he doesn't stop. I keep the horn pressed, but I'm stuck I've got cars in front of me, this dumbass who is about to hit my car behind me... I can't go anywhere. I put the window down and yell at him and then lay on the horn again... BANG!!!

He fucking hit my car.

I moved at the speed of lightning and jumped out of my car, put on my intimidating stance and firmly walked to idiots drivers side door. He's sitting there stunned as I give him my evil glare (which probably looks like I'm constipated!) and say "excuse me sir, you just hit my car."

"Oh!" replies the idiot.

Now I've always thought that the first time someone hits my car I'm going to be absolutely livid and ready to beat them senseless (kidding)... amazingly I remained composed and walked to check my car. Now it being 1:30ish in the morning it's pitch black and I can't see any damage. I run my hand over where he hit and check for dents, I don't feel any. Now because he was moving at approximately the speed of a snail in molasses I figure there's more than likely no damage.

I tell the idiot to watch where he's going and to drive more carefully because next time he might not be so lucky - translation - get your head out of your ass you idiot and watch what the fuck you're doing! I then bid him a good night.

I get back in my car and I wrote down his license plate number, just in case.

Saturday morning my boyfriend and I are leaving to go to a football game, I take a peak at the back of my car and there is a HUGE scuff on the bumper... I'm fuming mad, mostly at myself for not checking properly when it happened, I should have known better. I do have the idiot's plate number but I haven't decided if I am going to file a police report, I think I can just buff it out and make it all shiny again.

Asides from that, it was an awesome weekend. My boyfriend and I celebrated our one year - our first date was a football game, and I thought it would be kinda cool to go back to where it started so we froze our asses off at the game and even though we lost, heck, we've been in the CFL playoffs for over 30 years straight it was bound to happen!

Drained

I had a session with T today, it had been almost a month since our last session. The dynamic and comfort level remained from our last session. It was much needed today.

We started talking about my dream.

I've been worried that I had completely lost it when I felt pain in my dream and woke up and was in pain. T said this was a body memory. She said it's a new part of my healing because instead of my dreams or flashbacks just being in my head my body is beginning to relive it, according to T this is a positive thing. I don't know about that though, I'd rather it just stay in my head... that was a TERRIFYING experience.

We started talking about the rape, piece by piece. It was so hard to talk about, we barely got into it. I kept getting flashes of him punching me and forcing himself in my mouth. I went in my mental black hole and got lost in the memories. I covered my eyes because I didn't want T to see the pain or the tears that were trying to escape. T moved her chair closer and asked me what she can do to support me so I'm not alone - I don't know! I don't know how to let her support me, or how to share the intense pain and hurt.

I am so scared to share the things he did to me, how it felt, how I remember it feeling... it's incredibly embarassing and horrifying and personal to talk to someone about the things that he did to me or forced me to do...

How have you talked about it?

On another note, I've been listening to this song on repeat ever since I got into my car after T... It's my strength right now if that makes sense, it's what I'm drawing from to keep my head up and keep myself in TODAY instead of in the past and in THAT moment... I wanted to share it incase it helps someone like it's helping me...

[Scott Stapp - Fight Song]

Reliving (possible triggers)

The TV show Without A Trace triggered me like I have never been triggered before. It was horrifying. The basis of the story was a missing 911 operator who turned out to have been brutally attacked and raped while in college and was seeking revenge on the man who hurt her. It showed him on her, beating and raping her. It conveyed her life of fear so well...

I sat on the couch absolutely terrified. I couldn't blink, breathe, nothing... just stared blankly at the TV. I don't remember much of the show after that. My boyfriend said he said my name about 10 times before I sucked in a breath and looked at him. I don't remember... I was off in La La land...

I DO remember my dreams though... I was really tired from all the Thanksgiving festivities and working on a holiday so I fell asleep really quickly - VERY unusual.

Both dreams were about Byron (the monster who raped me) - the first one was what I've started calling the "normal nightmare", me watching him rape me, but it's not me... if that makes sense. It's my body, but it's not "me"... I woke up with a start and almost jumped out of bed, also pretty normal for that dream. That dream upsets me, I get scared, I'm disoriented when I jolt awake and it takes a few minutes to calm down. I don't process the dream, I just flick on the TV and watch infomercials till I fall asleep again... whatever, it works.

I fell asleep again rather quickly - EXTREMELY unusual - only this time to be reliving the rape. I COULD FEEL IT. Everything was so vivid and REAL. I felt his fist hit my face, I felt his hands grabbing at me, holding me down, his breath all over me... everything. It felt like it was really happening. I could feel the searing pain, I could taste my tears...

My boyfriend woke me up... I was crying. He said I was kicking and fighting and shaking my head, moaning and mumbling what sounded like no... he said he had to wake me up because he knew what I was dreaming about...

I felt like I had just been raped again, my body ached, I had a splitting headache... my jaw was throbbing where he "hit" me...

My boyfriend wrapped his arms around me and held me tightly for a few minutes until I pushed him away. I needed to put my feet on the floor, to feel the carpet. I lit a smoke and just let the tears fall. Oddly I was numb, I don't remember any emotions yet there were tears... I sat on the edge of the bed, smoking, staring at my feet but not really seeing them. I mean I saw my feet, but it was like they were a million miles away... I lit another smoke and then got up and got some water. I climbed into bed, trying to tell myself that the dream wasn't real even if it felt real. I waited until my boyfriend fell asleep then I got up and took a hot shower, I needed to wash off the filth, to try to make myself feel clean... it didn't work. I STILL feel dirty and disgusting... used...

I don't remember reliving the rape like this before, actually feeling it..

I fucking hate this

From Postsecret

Incredibly powerful... and TRUE




***Update, 10/10/06***

When I saw this picture yesterday, I just sat there staring at it. It speaks volumes. It conveys what I can't.

Weathering the storm

I haven't been sleeping very well since Friday when this relationship ordeal cropped up. My boyfriend has been asking me what's wrong because I had been sleeping really well since he moved in, so he knew something was up.

We had another talk last night. It started out awful, with both of us on the verge of tears, him shutting down and not wanting to talk and me prying and continuing to talk.

We almost broke up.

We were on our way to a friends place for his birthday when I asked him what he was thinking about because the tension was so high in the car I could have cut it with a knife (excuse the cliche!)

I won't go into details, but we hached it out, and we are on the same page. He said he meant he wasn't ready... I'll accept that and just enjoy the moment.

****this was supposed to be published on Tuesday, but blogger struck again and saved it instead of publishing...

circles?

A couple days ago, after the conversation and my breakdown regarding my boyfriend, he turns around and starts talking about our wedding?!??

What the fuck?

It's easy to see why I'm confused and getting upset...

We were talking about Newfoundland, where he's from, and how a non-newfie is accepted and becomes an honorary newfie. It's kinda funny and gross how you become an honorary newfie by doing either of the following:

1 - kiss a cod fish EW EW EW EW EW!!!!!

2 - do a shot of screech - it's Jamaican rum and is supposedly disgusting, I'll take their word for it! Downing shots of hard liquor is not my thing anymore...

I told him I might do a shot of screech but I sure as hell am NOT kissing a cod fish. He told me I'll have to do the shot next summer when we go to Newfoundland because it might make me sick. I said nuh uh, not a chance... he replies with well would you rather do a shot and be sick in your wedding dress on our wedding day? My jaw dropped and I didn't say anything, I just laughed instead.

Am I spending too much time thinking about this shit?

The more I think about it, the more I think I should just live in the moment. But then I start thinking about how I want to know where I might be in a few years. Of course the thought of no one knows where they are going to be in a few years from now enters my mind and I'm going in circles...

It's starting to feel like he's screwing with my head... or is just scared to admit how he feels...