Friday, March 02, 2007

Here we go again...

I'm at a serious low and continuing to sink.

I keep telling myself I'm OK.

I'm not. I'm not OK, not even close.

I keep welling up at work. I dig my nails into my palms to keep the tears away. Everything is getting to me, and I mean everything...

I want to spend the weekend in bed. I want to be alone, but being alone isn't the best thing for me. I know this, but I still want to be alone. I want everyone to just fade away so I can sink and keep sinking because there doesn't seem to be a bottom.

My whole body aches, I've had a never ending headache for days now. The whole trade bullshit and feeling betrayed is completely fueling all of these feelings. More wood on the fire.

I'm feeling suicidal again. I'm extremely embarrassed to even admit it.

I've put so much energy into trying to convince myself and everyone else around me that I'm OK that I don't have any energy left to help myself. To try to take care of myself...

It's - for a lack of a better word - funny how I've developed like this alter ego, this other person who takes control and acts normal, happy even, while this other person is drowning and hurting so much they're close to giving up.

I don't know what to do. I've isolated myself and left no one to talk to. I stopped seeing T and can't see her without 4 or 5 weeks notice... C contacted me and I tried to reply to her email but I'm getting delivery failures. Even in the email to C, I lied. I said I'm OK. I don't know why I do that. I don't have a fucking clue. Why is it so hard for me to admit when I'm not OK, that I need help? And when I get help, and start to get comfortable enough to talk, I push them away?

10 comments:

Lynn said...

Survivor, I also wear a mask of okay-ness for the world to see. This is how I keep doing what needs to be done to function in everyday life. Sometimes I wonder who I am trying to convince with my mask -- the world, or myself. It's both, I think. The problem comes in when I fool myself too well. I forget that I have special needs to care for myself. My inner pain needs to be consoled.

Sometimes I just need to go to my room, wrap myself up in a quilt and know that I am safe. Sometimes I need to admit to myself why it is that I feel so bad. I need to just say, "Because I was never safe, I was not protected, those who were supposed to love me harmed my body and soul." Then I need tp put my feet on the ground and look around at my present day surroundings and say, "There is my favorite reading lamp where I cozy up in bed at night with a faraway tale. There is my favorite chair that I bought from a special client. I remember writing at my desk in that chair in the springtime with the windows open. I am here, here in my home right now. I am safe."

Can you console yourself with anything in your surroundings, Survivor? Look around and see if there is something you can do. Hold on, honey. Call C or T on the telephone if you must. Be willing to show up for yourself. You deserve that. F*ck over the people who hurt you by doing things to help yourself or to get others to help you when you feel lost. Score one for the team by being a champion to yourself. You can do it, Survivor. I know you can!!

Holly said...

Your always in my thoughts and prayers, call me, email.

Cassandra said...

((((sending some warm hugs))))) your way.. keep your chin up
if you need anything Im here..

hugs

Cassandra

Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...

hey survivor,

We're here and we're rooting for you to keep on. We're here. You are never alone, sister.
xx
Tania

a wanna-be-writer said...

I have linked your site to my biography http://adultchildbio.blogspot.com

I too am a survivor of incest. Thanks for sharing.

jumpinginpuddles said...

get in contact with your T, i am sure she will see you quickly, but dont go on doign this because its dangerous we know first hand, dont do as we do and say its ok whilst swallowing pills, you know what to do get to your T

Lynn said...

Just stopping in to say hello. How are you doing, Survivor?

survivor said...

Thanks Lynn, you help me feel a little bit more "normal"... and thanks, I'll keep your other comment private and it handy in case I need it...

Holly, thanks friend. If you still have my number around, give me a call sometime...

Thanks for your support Cassandra

Hey Tania :) Thank you!

a wanna-be-writer - thanks. Take care of yourself and keep on surviving

JIP - I will if I absolutely need to

Lynn - I'm surviving... how are you doing? (read your latest posts)

The Cardboard Castle said...

I know this. I know this too. This is me too. Make it stop, god, is my most often whispered prayer. Hugs to you, hugs to all of us.

Cheesemeister said...

I'll tell people I'm ok because I feel like if I try to explain how I really feel, they either don't want to hear it or will just look at me like I'm crazy. I've learned to stuff my feelings down deep.