I'm at a serious low and continuing to sink.
I keep telling myself I'm OK.
I'm not. I'm not OK, not even close.
I keep welling up at work. I dig my nails into my palms to keep the tears away. Everything is getting to me, and I mean everything...
I want to spend the weekend in bed. I want to be alone, but being alone isn't the best thing for me. I know this, but I still want to be alone. I want everyone to just fade away so I can sink and keep sinking because there doesn't seem to be a bottom.
My whole body aches, I've had a never ending headache for days now. The whole trade bullshit and feeling betrayed is completely fueling all of these feelings. More wood on the fire.
I'm feeling suicidal again. I'm extremely embarrassed to even admit it.
I've put so much energy into trying to convince myself and everyone else around me that I'm OK that I don't have any energy left to help myself. To try to take care of myself...
It's - for a lack of a better word - funny how I've developed like this alter ego, this other person who takes control and acts normal, happy even, while this other person is drowning and hurting so much they're close to giving up.
I don't know what to do. I've isolated myself and left no one to talk to. I stopped seeing T and can't see her without 4 or 5 weeks notice... C contacted me and I tried to reply to her email but I'm getting delivery failures. Even in the email to C, I lied. I said I'm OK. I don't know why I do that. I don't have a fucking clue. Why is it so hard for me to admit when I'm not OK, that I need help? And when I get help, and start to get comfortable enough to talk, I push them away?