Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Things are OK

It's been a while since I updated this... things have been going OK and I haven't been wanting to write about anything to drudge any bad feelings up...

I got a new job!!! I'm so happy! When I quit my other job, it was like this weight was lifted off my shoulders and I could breathe a little easier. That feeling hasn't gone away, and I am a lot less stressed, which means I'm sleeping a little bit better and I'm not as grumpy or short as I have been in the past few months.

It's amazing how a simple change of jobs can affect you so much.

I had a good session with T this week. We went for a walk like I had asked, mildly froze our asses off (it was -5C) for 50 minutes. The point of the walk was so I could go over the rape minute by minute, but I couldn't bring myself to talk about it, instead we spent most of the time talking about how I am incredibly angry with myself for not seeing any of the warning signs. T spent most of that time going over different scenarios and how others would have reacted to the signs...

Him calling me 5 or 6 times a day to find out where I was, what I was doing, who I was with...
Him getting angry if I didn't answer my cell EVERY time he called...
The I luv u teddy bear after a few weeks of dating...

T said that even a person who didn't have a history of sexual or emotional abuse would not see those as a precursor to rape, at the most they would have started to cool off the relationship and distance themselves. She said others might have seen it as romantic and not thought twice about it...

I guess I have unrealistic expectations of myself, and T agreed. She said I am too hard on myself and need to ease up... I laughed my ass off at that and told her C tells me that all the time. I don't know how to change that...

T and C tell me that I need to have empathy for myself... I understand empathy and I have no problem empathising with others, but it's next to impossible to have any empathy for me, I'm guessing because a part of me still feels responsible for the things my father did, for being raped and then running off to get married to an abusive man... I can understand having one of those things happen to me, but to have three absolutely horrible things happen... I see it as my fault because I should have known better. And when I say that to C or T, they usually ask if it was a friend or someone else who experienced what I have is it their fault? I always say no it's not their fault because how would they know better if they grew up with it, it's familiar to them. I just can't apply that to myself though and I don't know why, I don't know what in my head or in my unconscious blocks that out for myself...

Can anyone else relate?

10 comments:

knightandbaby said...

Yes, I can say that I relate. Im not sure if I was raped as an adult, but I could say it was unwanted sex and it really did a number on me. As a child, I was molded and introduced to sexuality at the age of three, and as I grew up, I actually invited the molestation at times. Its disgusting and sick. And now, I am extremely hard on myself for things that I did during those times. Its not the same, no story is the same.
knightandbaby.blogspot.com

Sacha said...

I can totally relate! I feel sometimes like if I had "only" been raped I wouldn't feel so embarrassed, but having rape, incest, bulimia and physical abuse in my past just makes me a drama queen. How were we so lucky?

My T actually said that someone who grew up in an abusive household (though not "asking for it") could just be vulnerable because she had been exploited before. It kind of makes some sense in my case.

By the way, thanks for the shout out on your links!

Wanda's Wings said...

It's hard for us to give ourselves a break! We are our own worst enemies. I think you are doing great. I'm glad the new job is working out well. It sound like this new T is going to be a good one too.

Lynn said...

I totally relate! I'm working on it. It's a tough one. Right now for me, it comes and goes. Some days I have compassion for myself and other days I go after myself like I'm the one who is a criminal!! I'm glad you got a new job and are sleeping better. I slept well last night. I hope it will continue for both of us. Would it be ok to link with you when I update my blogroll? I figured I should ask because it's really a mixed bag at my place in comments. Check it out first. Take your time. If you would rather not link, I will not be offended in any way and will totally understand and will still feel very honored that you linked me here:-)

jumpinginpuddles said...

i feel so much feeling for others yet when asked to talk about me i simply cant its like some void thats gone and i cant seem to ever retrieve it so yes i understand

Amelia

Cassandra said...

Yes, I can totally relate. My t tells me the same thing. I need to have more empathy for myself, and she is constantly turning the situation around by saying what if D (friend of mine who has been through similar abuse) felt this way, was it her fault? I roll my eyes and say no it wasnt her fault. But with myself its different, Im not sure why, but a piece of me still feels i could of done something, that its my fault. A piece of me does realize, I guess the conscious part of me, realizes that it wasnt my fault. I guess its matter of convincing that little girl, that she didnt do anything wrong.

I struggle with this all of the time as you can see. Remember you are not alone.

and take one day at a time.

*hugs*

B said...

Dear Survivor,

Congratulations on the new job!!
Its great, well done.

I think it is quite a common problem, the lack of empathy to ouneself. We tned to punish ourselves, even though we are empathetic with others.
I sometimes wonder if it has to do somehow with control issues. Maybe I shoudl explain this, if I make myself responsioble for what has happened to me it mean I have some control over it. But if it is someelses fault it means I am sat someone else mercy, which is a very sacry thought, and feeling.
I think in my case there is some of this. There are more things as well, it is not a simple issue. Not at all.

breeya

survivor said...

knight, I can totally relate.

sacha - thats what I'm told as well, but I dunno, I don't buy it...

Wanda - how right you are in being our own worst enemy! Thanks

Lynn, feel free to link to me... thanks

Amelia - I know!!

Thanks cassandra... it's really helpful to know others are in the same boat

Breeya - so nice to see you again! As always, you make so much sense! Take care of you :o)

cheesemeister said...

The obsessive calling was a "red flag," but I have ignored red flags so many times because I desperately wanted for someone to think I was special. Please don't blame yourself for what this predator did to you.

Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...

There is a theme of 'being special' in your post and in some of the comments and I hope I can speak to that. I've been there too.

As a kid, its great to feel special and there is nothing wrong with wanting that. We cannot judge the actions of children who are given a screwed up framework for morality and a lack of boundaries by new adult standards that have different frameworks.

It is not fair to the child and it is punishing the child victim rather than the adults who failed to provide healthy frameworks.

There is something that strikes me about specialness - there is a practice in the Catholic church of corporal mortification that is a kind of self beating which brings you closer to God. In yoga and the eastern traditions there is the concept of the ego - but ego can come from feeling better than or even feeling we are worse than the others.

For me, I try to drop ego - both sides of it - there is a specialness to feeling like crap, to being a worthless, to dubbing oneself a sick human being. If one can't be more worthy and special by gaining acceptance and adulation, why not admit our sick minds and beat ourselves up? Hmmm.

My dear, you are beautiful. You are a child of creation and you are absolutely perfect as you are. Yes, these events have shaped you. But they don't need to be a badge of speciallness of being 'crap'. They are horrible and you must be given the space to feel your feelings, but these events can also be viewed as the catalyst that brought you to this page and helped you to be an inspiration to others.

Remember you are perfect. Your little girl just wanted to be loved. We all want that and know that you are loved, my dear.

Be well.
Sumangali Tania Pink