Sunday, November 12, 2006

Disgust

A comment left by someone triggered this post... They admitted something I've been utterly ashamed of admitting, even to myself at times... it's time for it to come out

At times, when I was a child, I would invite the abuse from my father.

It was usually the only attention I got, and sometimes, it made me feel special.

God, just reading that makes me sick.

I remember that sometimes I would sit on his knee, wrap my arms around him and just wait for him to touch me...

I guess that makes me ultimately fucked up

And it's only fueling the "it's my fault"

15 comments:

Cassandra said...

I just want to say you are not alone in this. the abuse was my only attention, it made me feel wanted, so I too at times, wanted it to happen, and did things to encourage it to.. it feels shameful but I try to remind myself that we were children... little kids.... and that was what we were taught.

keep your head up.

*hugs*

M.o.Sidis said...

I know how you feel, and I'd never disrespect what has happened to you.

But at least you were loved, no one wants to be abandoned. I happen to be one of the worlds abandoned children, unloved and unwanted, I have no solace, the pain is only turned inward pepetually and I just want to sleep the eternal sleep for relief from my suffering.

I never hurt anyone, I held it all in, I think part of the reason you "invited the abuse" was that you didn't want to be alone anymore, we all want to be loved deep down inside, the world is such a fucked up place and infects us with its horrible ideas, we just want to he held, loved and safe, a place where we can heal and not feel like our spirits are in enormous pain and bleeding to death alone in the dark.

Lynn said...

I hope you're not going to be too hard on yourself. You were a child and it is normal that you wanted love and attention from your parents. If our fathers chose to give only negative, destructive attention, that is their fault, not ours. I believe that longing for a parent is an extremely srtong human drive. Without that drive, baby humans might die. I think your feelings were only natural. It is not your fault that they were exploited.

cheesemeister said...

You just wanted attention from him. A child wants attention from their parents. It isn't that child's fault if that attention is fucked up and so its the only kind you come to expect. HE is the one that is ultimately fucked up, not you! The only thing that is fucked up about you is the erroneous emotions that encourage you to attack yourself for this--and he made you feel that way!

Hope Forus said...

Please don't beat yourself up about this! We were children! Any type of attention is better than NONE. It's all we knew! It's natural for especially young children to strive to get the attention they need and deserve any way they know how. Our abusers knew this and took advantage of it. THEY are the ones who should feel ashamed! Not us!

Your survivor sister, Hope

jumpinginpuddles said...

well how would you know any different surely love is meant to be love right? Your father used all the right words actions and blame ot make sure you always felt like this blog right now.
The truth is damn right we wanted attention and any normal father would give a hug and it would be genuine your father broke a little girls heart and that unforgiveable and HIS FAULT

Breeya said...

Blogger is not getting my comments :(

I don´t think I would have ever said this wthout this post.
I don´t think I ever invited the molestation, but for sure I did not avoided it many times, because, as in your case it was the only attention that I would get. I was worried that if I were to avoid it, then there would never be any attention (as it had happened in the past in the periods of no molestation).


"And it's only fueling the "it's my fault""

It is not, you were kid and you just learnt what you had been taught. That is what he taught you, and you couldn´t have known better, your parents are your guides in this world. The ones we learn from about love and care, and many other things. We blindly trust them even when they are worng, because as kids we don´t know they are wrong.
It is not your fault, you learnt what you were taugh, you were just taught the wrong lesson.

As you can see, you are not the only one. That must have tell something about our natural, human, reaction to seek love and care the way we have been made to understand it works.

Marj aka Thriver said...

You were a child. You wanted SOMETHING to make you feel loved and have some attention. He was your father. He was the one who made the choice as to HOW he would choose to give you that "love" and attention. That makes HIM ultimately fucked up...not you. And it wasn't your fault at all! I can feel the pain when you write. I hope it eases at least a little bit soon.

Karen said...

I can't even imagine how you feel, but I can say that it was NEVER your fault. You were a child, your father is to blame...100%. Never allow yourself to think otherwise.

Wanda's Wings said...

It was never your fault. You just wanted to be a child and loved. What he did was wrong, not you.
I can understand your feeling because I have had the same ones, but remember we were the children. The parents were the adults. Don't blame yourself for needing affection. You are not to blame!

Faith said...

You did not "invite the abuse". It doesn't matter if you literally begged for it. It is very common for abuse victims to seek out the very attention that hurts them. This is something that MANY abuse victims struggle with, not only with their abuser but later in life with other men and women.

It was NOT your fault. You did NOTHING wrong.

Blessings.

Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...

It is not your fault. It was never your fault. In the screwed up wold which the adults created for that child, this was love.

What happened to you was not love, it was abuse.

You are beautiful, you are loveable and self acceptance and love is the way forward.

Hang in there. we're with you.

Rhea said...

No matter what you did, you never 'invited' this. I admire your bravery.

survivor said...

Thanks Cassandra

mo - "at least you were loved" - This makes me really angry... I'm not going to comment any further, but to wish you well...

Thanks lynn

Cia - well said! As always you make me think, thanks

How right you are Hope! Thanks

Very true JIP

Thanks Breeya

Thanks Marj

I'll try Karen, thanks

Thanks Wanda

Thanks Faith

Thanks Rev

Thanks Rhea

Patricia Pomeroy Tanner said...

Dear lady,

In no way were you to blame for what happened. Your father was the adult, you were the child. HE IS RESPONSIBE FOR WHAT HAPPENED IN EVERY WAY, NOT YOU! We are suppose to obey our parents and when one of them starts a behavior that is wrong, they are to blame, not the child. If you have held this in all these years, it could be the root to your depression. Now maybe you can start to heal. Everyone needs attention from thier parents and I don't think that any child, girl or boy would have done differently, then you did,under the circumstances. Children have little self control, that's why they need parents to guide them.

God's blessings to you,

Patricia