Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Reliving (possible triggers)

The TV show Without A Trace triggered me like I have never been triggered before. It was horrifying. The basis of the story was a missing 911 operator who turned out to have been brutally attacked and raped while in college and was seeking revenge on the man who hurt her. It showed him on her, beating and raping her. It conveyed her life of fear so well...

I sat on the couch absolutely terrified. I couldn't blink, breathe, nothing... just stared blankly at the TV. I don't remember much of the show after that. My boyfriend said he said my name about 10 times before I sucked in a breath and looked at him. I don't remember... I was off in La La land...

I DO remember my dreams though... I was really tired from all the Thanksgiving festivities and working on a holiday so I fell asleep really quickly - VERY unusual.

Both dreams were about Byron (the monster who raped me) - the first one was what I've started calling the "normal nightmare", me watching him rape me, but it's not me... if that makes sense. It's my body, but it's not "me"... I woke up with a start and almost jumped out of bed, also pretty normal for that dream. That dream upsets me, I get scared, I'm disoriented when I jolt awake and it takes a few minutes to calm down. I don't process the dream, I just flick on the TV and watch infomercials till I fall asleep again... whatever, it works.

I fell asleep again rather quickly - EXTREMELY unusual - only this time to be reliving the rape. I COULD FEEL IT. Everything was so vivid and REAL. I felt his fist hit my face, I felt his hands grabbing at me, holding me down, his breath all over me... everything. It felt like it was really happening. I could feel the searing pain, I could taste my tears...

My boyfriend woke me up... I was crying. He said I was kicking and fighting and shaking my head, moaning and mumbling what sounded like no... he said he had to wake me up because he knew what I was dreaming about...

I felt like I had just been raped again, my body ached, I had a splitting headache... my jaw was throbbing where he "hit" me...

My boyfriend wrapped his arms around me and held me tightly for a few minutes until I pushed him away. I needed to put my feet on the floor, to feel the carpet. I lit a smoke and just let the tears fall. Oddly I was numb, I don't remember any emotions yet there were tears... I sat on the edge of the bed, smoking, staring at my feet but not really seeing them. I mean I saw my feet, but it was like they were a million miles away... I lit another smoke and then got up and got some water. I climbed into bed, trying to tell myself that the dream wasn't real even if it felt real. I waited until my boyfriend fell asleep then I got up and took a hot shower, I needed to wash off the filth, to try to make myself feel clean... it didn't work. I STILL feel dirty and disgusting... used...

I don't remember reliving the rape like this before, actually feeling it..

I fucking hate this

4 comments:

Lynn said...

This happens to me, too.

survivor said...

lynn thanks for letting me know I'm not alone

Cassandra said...

You are not alone. I know how this feels all too well, but over time I have learned that talking about the body memories that I have helps immensely. Its soo unbelievably hard, but it helps, even if you can only talk about a piece of it.. thats okay. that is what I do. Remember that you are not alone.

keep your chin up

stay strong

*hugs*

Cassandra

survivor said...

Thanks Cassandra, can never be reminded that I'm or anyone else is alone with this too many times! :) Piece by piece is how I think I'll have to get through this part...

I thought it was hard before!!!