Sunday, February 04, 2007

The dreaded day

Is fast approaching...

I find myself having spells of terrible sadness and my eyes start to tear up at, of course, the worst possible times. I was at work the first time, and I couldn't hold it in, I spent a good ten minutes in the bathroom trying to pull myself together enough to go back to my desk. Brutal.

We finally took down the Christmas tree yesterday, it was downstairs in the room where it happened. I had been avoiding that space, but really, it's February and it's time the damn thing was put away. I told my boyfriend we should just cover it with a blanket or a bag to save time next Christmas!! Unfortunately, he didn't go for that idea...

We're not doing the whole Valentines Day deal on Valentines. I told him I hate that day.. he said that hurts him because it's different now... he just doesn't understand, but that's OK because he doesn't have to, so we're going out for a romantic dinner that weekend instead.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do this year to try to make the day easier. I have a doctors appointment that afternoon so I'm leaving work 3 hours early. I think I'm going to get some good ice cream and chocolate fudge and make a kick ass sundae and go for a soak in the jacuzzi to relax and be by myself for a while so if I need to cry or just sit there staring off into space I can.

It's been a little over three weeks now without any therapy sessions and I'm kind of happy to report that I don't really miss it. I think this break is good for me as it had been almost two straight years of talking and healing. I will go back, I've made arrangements with T to go back when I'm ready and it's still OK to email her or call her if I need to. The support is still there, but I'm not using it. That's my choice. I'm focusing on just living, enjoying what I have in the moment and thinking about my... our future.

I guess at the same time I'm testing myself to see if I really can handle things on my own with all of the new skills I've learned.

And I've got something to look forward to! We're going to one of the most beautiful places on earth in April for Easter. Mica Mountain Lodge. It's amazing. I feel so at ease and peaceful when I'm there. Content. We spent one night there last Easter, and we absolutely loved it. This year we have the whole weekend. I can't wait to get out and go hiking and exploring in the mountains. Watch the sun set and rise over the jagged peaks... the birds singing... the sound of the wind rustling through the trees... If I close my eyes I can see it and I can feel the peace wash over me... these are the things that make the dreaded day more easy to bear.

If I hold on to that it will be OK...

I WILL BE OK

7 comments:

Dr. Deborah Serani said...

You *will* be okay!

survivor said...

Thanks Dr Deb... I hope you're right

Wanda's Wings said...

Remember never give up. You are doing so many thing that are right for you. Enjoy the weekend.

Cheesemeister said...

I haven't been to therapy in almost three years now and honestly I don't miss it at all. Usually I ended up coming out of there feeling pissed off or worse than when I went in. I will always be grateful to my last therapist for helping me get the correct diagnosis, though.

jumpinginpuddles said...

interesting how our relationship with our T has also changed, you are doing fine well done my friend

just me said...

I have read your entire blog and it has helped me to start my own. Thanks for that.

You will be ok

Dawny x

Lynn said...

Remember that you are not alone. There are many of us in the same boat. I'm holding you close in my thoughts. I made it through my recent challenge. You will, too. I know you will. My email is on my profile page if you need support from a fellow survivor.