Wednesday, April 11, 2007

And here's ugly

I'm working with C again (thank God) and we've been working on the feelings of abandonment I'm experiencing.

When I started writing about my mother the pain and sadness came crashing in. Talking about it with C last night felt like a 20 ton anvil was dropped on me. I started to cry as I asked C not to challenge me on a statement I was about to make... "why would I think anyone could care about me when my own mother doesn't?"

I think about that a lot. I think about the people in my life and wonder why they care? How could they care? Why do they WANT to? There's also the "ifs" - if my own mother couldn't.....

Thinking about this makes me feel horrible.

We also discovered that I hurt or push people away intentionally to see their reaction and to get verification that they do care.

It hit me like a ton of bricks to come to that realization.

I don't want to intentionally hurt anyone, especially the people that I care about or are close to me. But I can see how I do it, and I understand why I do it... it's driven by my need of needing to know that people do care about me... which is just that much more confusing when I go back to the why or how could anyone care about me...

It's all very confusing.

I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around it. I really just want to "fix" this behaviour because it's not how I want to be. I don't like it and I don't really like myself because of it. I think it makes me ugly. Manipulative. It reminds me of the things my mother does...

The one thing I know for sure is that this is behaviour isn't going to keep happening. I'm going to ├╝ber-aware and try my damnedest to keep it under wraps.

9 comments:

Lynn said...

Feelings of abandonment are hard and scary, Survivor. Sometimes they can make us feel the need to manipulate as honesty didn't work for us as children. Being aware of this one is more than half the battle. You're doing awesome work, Survivor.

Enola said...

I am so glad to see you post again. I miss your posts - your bluntness and honesty is so refreshing. I hope you will continue to share. There are those of us (like me) who read your blog and do care - even if we've never met you.

I, too, struggle with the "why would any/how could anyone love me when my own mother (and father) didn't?" You know what though? That's THEIR problem - not ours. It is their loss. Because we are wonderful people. They are missing out on the joy of knowing us.

So keep trying your damnedest!

Wanda's Wings said...

I understand completely. I find myself doing and hating the same behavior. I always thought it was better not to have anyone care for me than to be hurt. When parents don't love and care for their children it set up a lot of wrong ideas about how safe the world is. Please believe you are cared about.

jumpinginpuddles said...

pushign people away is the hardest thign to work on we think. We often push people away to save them from walking away, figuring they will make friends change their mind and then go anyway, best we take control and work it out. Yours is the opposite the probelm with pushign people away is that sometimes they get pushed once to often and dont return then we stand there grieving go figure hey

unleashed said...

Hi. your blog is beautiful. I just started blogging this week and have fallen in love with it. Hopefully this doesn't sound too forward, but we have quite a lot in common. Keep writing, you do it very well.
M.

survivor said...

Lynn; enola; wanda; JIP - Thank you very much... it is so incredibly comforting to know that I'm not alone with this struggle and each of your words have given me courage and strength to keep up the fight... and JIP, how right you are!

Unleashed - welcome and thank you for your kind words.

Refugee said...

Hi, Survivor. I forgot to tell you that I have moved my blog.
-- Lynn

Ashurek said...

Hello. I liked much your blog, you have interesting things. I believe that I will return here. Regards

Ashurek said...

Hello. I liked much your blog, you have interesting things. I believe that I will return here. Regards