Thursday, October 12, 2006


I had a session with T today, it had been almost a month since our last session. The dynamic and comfort level remained from our last session. It was much needed today.

We started talking about my dream.

I've been worried that I had completely lost it when I felt pain in my dream and woke up and was in pain. T said this was a body memory. She said it's a new part of my healing because instead of my dreams or flashbacks just being in my head my body is beginning to relive it, according to T this is a positive thing. I don't know about that though, I'd rather it just stay in my head... that was a TERRIFYING experience.

We started talking about the rape, piece by piece. It was so hard to talk about, we barely got into it. I kept getting flashes of him punching me and forcing himself in my mouth. I went in my mental black hole and got lost in the memories. I covered my eyes because I didn't want T to see the pain or the tears that were trying to escape. T moved her chair closer and asked me what she can do to support me so I'm not alone - I don't know! I don't know how to let her support me, or how to share the intense pain and hurt.

I am so scared to share the things he did to me, how it felt, how I remember it feeling... it's incredibly embarassing and horrifying and personal to talk to someone about the things that he did to me or forced me to do...

How have you talked about it?

On another note, I've been listening to this song on repeat ever since I got into my car after T... It's my strength right now if that makes sense, it's what I'm drawing from to keep my head up and keep myself in TODAY instead of in the past and in THAT moment... I wanted to share it incase it helps someone like it's helping me...

[Scott Stapp - Fight Song]


Ophelia said...

I don't tell anyone. Not really. When I think I will, I always imagine myself hostile and belligerent to whoever I'll tell it to (don't know why). But anytime I DO manage to tell anyone, I can barely even speak. Like someone stole my voice, and I wind up whispering, and never giving any details.

But I'm interested to know, desperate to know -- why is it a good thing when your body relives it? Did T explain that?

Lynn said...

I have also had a recent nightmare where I was awakened by physical pain. I wasn't aware that anyone else had this, though my therapist reacted much like yours did. I have been scared out of my mind over this stuff lately. I wish I had some place to go where I couldn't drag it all with me... even just for a little while. Having 'good times' has been so hard lately. I clam up when it comes to telling the details, like Ophelia above, I seem to lose my voice. I guess there's nothing else but to keep trying. I just keep reminding myself that someday I will feel better than I do right now.

Breeya said...

Dear Survivor,

I have a not on my stomach after reading about your dream.
I know this things happen, reliving things as real again, with the physical sensations. It has happened to me onec, though the event was not so physically painful. You haven´t lost it.
I hope T is right and this is positive. I read somewhere that this kind of physiscal reaction can come from unlocking some sensation, maybe it has to do with the TV show? maybe it did touch some strings.
I don´t know how to explain this very well, but I have noticed how with time I get a deeper into the feelings whith the memories.
At first I couldn´t even remember lots of things, after a point it was a blur, and even today there are many things about my childhood I don´t remember. But those I remember affect me in a diferent way now. Before I remember then I it did feel bad, but it was kind of a rational reaction, I new it felt bad at the time, but I couldn´t remember how it felt, how I felt, how I got through it.
That has been changing over time, I now feel more about it, understand better how it was, how it felt. Can feel more about it rather than rationalising it. Although I now is still a long way to go.

I don´t talk about it.
I have sometimes tried to explain details but I don´t think I have managed to fully explain. I am ashamed and the hardest thing for me, is that he didn´t need to use the force, and I can´t explain why not.
Also, because in comparasion with what you have gone through my experience is "nothing", and I feel ridiculous that I feel this way, that it has affected me so much. It is the emtional abuse which has scarred me the most, and I don´t know how to explain it.

I wish i could talk about it, I have this feeling deep inside that ot would be good for me.
It was one of the reasons I started blogging, I thought maybe eventually it would come out.

I wish I could be of more help on this.

Take care.

survivor said...

Ophelia, it didn't even occur to me to ask T why it's positive... I'll ask her and let you know for sure.

Lynn - it's really hard to find our lost voices... hang in there and keep trying to find your voice

Breeya - It bothers me when you say "because in comparasion with what you have gone through my experience is "nothing", and I feel ridiculous that I feel this way, that it has affected me so much." - all experiences are different and cannot be compared. It doesn't matter if someone was abused once or a thousand times, it affects us all differently... you have every right to feel the way you do...

We should all try to find our voices together, support and encourage each other...

jumpinginpuddles said...

im glad she moved closer to you to give you comfort, im not sure why getting body memories is sometimes so important to healing but for some reason sometimes they are just never sure why

cheesemeister said...

With my experience with my ex boyfriend, if I talk about it at all, it's in a very detached way. Its as if it happened to someone else. Yet I know that it happened to me. I don't experience overt terrors or panic any more. But I know its the reason why I sleep fully clothed on the couch.

Jodie said...

New reader, delurking for the first time so sorry, i do not mean to barge in if i am not welcome. Since i do not mean to hurt anyone - if this comment is triggering then just delete it.

I never really told anyone about the abuses that went on in my childhood until about a year and a half ago, when i started taking treatment for severe depression.

The first people i ever told were a group of friends i had when i was a teenager, but they were not comfortable with that information so i brought it up only once or twice. Their attitude towards my pain made me feel ashamed and reinforced the belief in my head that i should continue to be silent about it.

When i stated my depression treatment i told several doctors about the abuse and though listened, i never felt better after speaking with them about it. There explainations and answers were always so clinical and non-personal that i did not enjoy sharing that information because i did not get anything out of it that made me feel better. I guess that sounds kind of selfish, but just taking about it triggers me sometimes.

Last year, i got a counsilor and i told her everything i could remember (which is a lot because i have never seemed to forgot any of the details of the abuse) and afterwards we went through it and reflected on my experiences. In a lot of ways it made me feel better because i began to learn that many of the negative patterns in my life were the result of the abuse. That it was not my fault is probably the most important thing i realized, and that i have the right to be angry. I realized a lot of things in the practical and logical sense, but emotionally, telling someone has not filled the "void".

I do not know if it is because i have just become so numb after a lifetime of abuse or if i just do not know how to respond to emotional validation because i am so unused to it from other people -and i am so unaware of it inside myself. I am sorry if that sounds stupid, but i do not know how else to describe it.

I think i have this unrealistic expectation that talking about it will make all the pain dissapear, and that other people will help me fill the "void." I remember being so hopeful that talking about it with my councilor would make everything better, but it has not in the ways that i was hoping for. I have a better understanding of what happened to me and how it has affected my life, but the pain; the sensations; the horrible memories, are still there and as strong as ever.

I am sorry if this is rambly and that it is not very positive. Thank you for your incredible courage and speaking about your pain on this blog. Thank you again.

survivor said...

JIP - thanks, I'm glad T moved closer too. I didn't realize it at the time, but it is comforting...

Cie - I try to be detached at all times, I'm finding it to be almost impossible though.

Jodie - Welcome! You're not intruding, thanks for visiting and I'm glad you're finding my blog helpful. I completely get what you're talking about, especially the part about discovering what I refer to as "I am the way I am because..." I try not to think about it though because it makes me very angry and incredibly sad at the same time. Take care

cheesemeister said...

I don't know that its really good to be detached. It just sort of happens. Either vivid memories or detachment are both signs of trauma. And f**k the assholes that made us feel this way!
Beyond the attachment, I'm angry all the time. I didn't start life as a hateful person. I don't really like being one. But sometimes the venom keeps me going more than the "flowers, birds and cuddly bunnies" type thoughts. Not that I in any way dislike flowers, birds, or cuddly bunnies. I think you know what I mean!

survivor said...

Cie - I absolutely know what you mean!! The anger is my driving force, it's always right below the surface and I'm scared I'm just going to explode in a fit of rage one day... another thing I use to keep me going is finding humor in everything, even if it's not even remotely funny my brain kicks in and puts a spin on it, usually dry sarcasm that makes it kinda funny and allows me to look at it from a different perspective.

I don't like bunnies.. I'll take Pluto (my guinea pig) anyday!! :o)

Anonymous said...

I have just started talking about it. Like others said, my voice quits working when I try. I've started using baby steps - writing it down in 3rd person, then trying to write in first person, then reading it aloud or giving to counselor, then talking about it. But once I tell it out loud in a supportive environment, it seems to lose it's power.