Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Maybe Tomorrow

I feel like I'm in a pressure cooker and ready to implode, all of the ugliness inside me pouring out.

Nice visual...

I almost went to the hospital on the weekend to check myself in to the psych ward...

There should be awards for the best depressed/suicidal happy faces... not to toot my own horn, but I'd be in the running... almost a shoe-in to win!

I'm a barrel of hollow laughs and fake smiles. Forced and mechanical.

The one thing that isn't fake is the tears which I'm constantly choking back.

I've gone full circle from not being able to cry to crying all the time, but trying not to.

How the fuck does that work??

It's driving me insane that I can't contact C... and well, with T, I don't really want to... she scares me... too good at getting inside my head and really "seeing" ME!! I dunno, maybe I should just give up on the whole therapy deal, go back to "the face" and pretend everything is all good again... it worked my whole life so why not?

And there's one thing that makes me want to just stop therapy forever... C is taking some time off and I'm totally cool with that, very happy for her actually. But... (there's always a but, isn't there?!) I'm getting annoyed and frustrated... C emailed me a week and a half ago to see how I was, I tried to email her back but her email address doesn't exist anymore and I get delivery failure messages... seeing as how this is the only way I have to contact her, I'm now left in the dark wondering WTF? It's really, tremendously frustrating. And honestly, I don't even want to deal with it anymore... I don't know if I'm harboring past feelings or what, but I'm feeling kind of abandoned(?)... and I absolutely fucking hate that because I'm not supposed to depend on anyone for anything... all you truly have, one hundred percent, is yourself... I am the only constant in my life...

Do I even have a right to feel this way? And I don't care about the everyone has feelings and we're all entitled to our feelings... am I being selfish? I would have been better off if C hadn't even contacted me.

I'm having a really hard time with this, trying to express how I feel...

fuck sakes

It shouldn't make me feel like this. I'm frustrated. I'm hurt. I'm feeling worthless. Abandoned. Completely left alone... discarded I guess... like trash.

I want a therapist who can give me what I need. I need someone who keeps their word, who cares not because they're paid to, but because they actually do. Someone who, if you need a hug, they'll give you one... This isn't aimed at the (I guess) current T or C because they're both awesome and have helped me in their own ways, but at a new one if I do decide to go that route... does such a therapist exist? If so, how the hell do you weed them out? At the same time, maybe I already have one and I just don't see it... I don't fucking know

I'm just rambling.

I'm pissed off in general and it's coming out all over the place.

I keep thinking about this poem I read years ago. I don't remember where I read it, but I wrote it down and keep it in my wallet. I've read it about a hundred times the past of couple of weeks and the card it's on is so tear stained that I can barely read it anymore.

It makes me cry and feel more alone...

After A While
After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises

And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,

With the grace of a woman,
Not the grief of a child

And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After awhile you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
In stead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers

And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth,
and you learn and learn...
With every good bye you learn.
Veronica Shoffstall 1971


Lynn said...

I'm familiar with all of these feelings, Survivor. Even the ones about C and T. Want to hear something embarrassing? Maybe you can relate or at least get a laugh out of it. Once, after being especially disturbed by nightmares, I emailed my therapist. He didn't answer. I emailed him again, and it started something like this: "Dissed by my shrink? Great! Are you ignoring all of your email, or just mine?" I couldn't believe I did that. As soon as I hit send, I was desperately wishing that I could somehow stop that message from getting to him. I was so embarrassed! I needn't have been. It worked out ok.

Maybe you can just let those tears out. Sometimes when they're so readily available all the time like that, I can set aside certain time periods during the day or evening when I allow them.

Hang on with me, Survivor. I've got it pretty bad right now, too. I feel like I'm hanging from a cliff by my fingernails. I still think that somehow or other, we will both be okay.

jumpinginpuddles said...

T like this ( the way you described you wanted) do exist but it takes ages to learn that and harder to believe it once you have

Enola said...

well I wasn't going to comment but since y'all seem to be so good at reading my mind......I'm hanging on by a fingernail too - one ragged fingernail like Lynn. And I know I'd give you (Survivor) a run for your money on the award for the best depressed/suicidal happy face.

Both of you hang in there and keep hanging on. Maybe sometime soon we can reach up with the other hand, and grasp with 2 fingers, then 3, then 4, then 5. I promise if I reach the top first, I'll extend a hand down and pull you up too.

survivor said...

GREAT site! thanks for sharing and having the courage to do it.

Cheesemeister said...

I like the poem.
I know the feeling of putting on a fake "ok face" but the truth is this horrible, agonized thing tearing at the insides of me. Sometimes I can get it to be calm for a time, but it is never gone.

Bint Alshamsa said...

I am also a survivor of sexual assault. I've been hanging on by a thread all my life but I'm still hanging on so I'm proud of myself and you should be proud of yourself too. It takes courage to wake up each morning and be willing to give yourself the opportunity to make it through the day. Please keep hanging in there, Survivor.

~from a girl who thought she'd never make it this far

Wanda's Wings said...

You are doing the right thing! You have to take care of yourself, even when it seems selfish. IT IS NOT! Loved your poem. Keep hanging in there. You are worth it!

hazel8500 said...

Wonderful Poem!
I'm so sorry for all the pain you are feeling.
I hope you get in contact with your C soon.