I feel like I'm in a pressure cooker and ready to implode, all of the ugliness inside me pouring out.
I almost went to the hospital on the weekend to check myself in to the psych ward...
There should be awards for the best depressed/suicidal happy faces... not to toot my own horn, but I'd be in the running... almost a shoe-in to win!
I'm a barrel of hollow laughs and fake smiles. Forced and mechanical.
The one thing that isn't fake is the tears which I'm constantly choking back.
I've gone full circle from not being able to cry to crying all the time, but trying not to.
How the fuck does that work??
It's driving me insane that I can't contact C... and well, with T, I don't really want to... she scares me... too good at getting inside my head and really "seeing" ME!! I dunno, maybe I should just give up on the whole therapy deal, go back to "the face" and pretend everything is all good again... it worked my whole life so why not?
And there's one thing that makes me want to just stop therapy forever... C is taking some time off and I'm totally cool with that, very happy for her actually. But... (there's always a but, isn't there?!) I'm getting annoyed and frustrated... C emailed me a week and a half ago to see how I was, I tried to email her back but her email address doesn't exist anymore and I get delivery failure messages... seeing as how this is the only way I have to contact her, I'm now left in the dark wondering WTF? It's really, tremendously frustrating. And honestly, I don't even want to deal with it anymore... I don't know if I'm harboring past feelings or what, but I'm feeling kind of abandoned(?)... and I absolutely fucking hate that because I'm not supposed to depend on anyone for anything... all you truly have, one hundred percent, is yourself... I am the only constant in my life...
Do I even have a right to feel this way? And I don't care about the everyone has feelings and we're all entitled to our feelings... am I being selfish? I would have been better off if C hadn't even contacted me.
I'm having a really hard time with this, trying to express how I feel...
It shouldn't make me feel like this. I'm frustrated. I'm hurt. I'm feeling worthless. Abandoned. Completely left alone... discarded I guess... like trash.
I want a therapist who can give me what I need. I need someone who keeps their word, who cares not because they're paid to, but because they actually do. Someone who, if you need a hug, they'll give you one... This isn't aimed at the (I guess) current T or C because they're both awesome and have helped me in their own ways, but at a new one if I do decide to go that route... does such a therapist exist? If so, how the hell do you weed them out? At the same time, maybe I already have one and I just don't see it... I don't fucking know
I'm just rambling.
I'm pissed off in general and it's coming out all over the place.
I keep thinking about this poem I read years ago. I don't remember where I read it, but I wrote it down and keep it in my wallet. I've read it about a hundred times the past of couple of weeks and the card it's on is so tear stained that I can barely read it anymore.
It makes me cry and feel more alone...
After A While
After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,
With the grace of a woman,
Not the grief of a child
And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After awhile you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
In stead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth,
and you learn and learn...
With every good bye you learn.
Veronica Shoffstall 1971