Friday, January 26, 2007

Some Changes

Today I made a decision that's left me sad, anxious, scared and oddly lonely.

I told T that I wanted to take a break and stop our sessions for a while.

I had been thinking about doing that since our last session when I didn't really have anything to talk about. And the main driving force is that I really can't afford it right now, which in and of itself is sad.

I'm a firm believer that your mental health impacts your physical health and vise-verse. So that being said, I believe that mental health care should also be covered by public health...

Anyway, I'm just rambling...

I also did something on Wednesday I haven't done in months, almost a year I think.

My boyfriend and I got in an insanely huge argument and almost broke up... we were right in a heated screaming match when he said "why can't you accept that there are decent men in this world and that I'm one of them?" I lost it and started crying saying "How can I" as I looked over at the couch in the basement and saw Byron pinning me I turned around and walked out of the room and went and sat in the dark in another room in the basement and just cried. There was so much pain and anger in me it felt like I was going to explode... break into a million shattered pieces... I was hyperventilating I was crying so hard, I didn't know what to do...

I burned myself.

I had forgotten what it felt like, how all of those feelings were almost instantly erased and this calm just washed over me. I held the cigarette to arm for a good 10 to 15 seconds and I watched as it burnt my skin... I was filled with a strange sense of satisfaction.

I know what I did was wrong and I know I hurt myself in more ways than just physically, but I also understand that I did what I could in the moment. I'm not beating myself up for slipping, I'm actually able to provide myself with some empathy because I'm allowing myself to "see" why I slipped...

It's all so confusing sometimes...

13 comments:

Lynn said...

Your Wednesday sounds like my yesterday. My husband didn't fight with me, but I couldn't even stand to be hugged and touched, it just reminded me too much and the anxiety was horrible and completely disorganizing. I was very scared last night and it started up again this morning. I don't really feel bad about what I did last night, either. Sometimes I just get desperate and I need something to take that away. I wish I had had a more constructive way, but I didn't and I desperately needed to feel ok. I understand, my friend. I know. It's hard. I just keep hoping that someday I will be ok.

Dr. Deborah Serani said...

SLips are expected, and I think the best approach is to take what you've learned from it. Sounds like you already are doing that.

Dr. Deborah Serani said...

SLips are expected, and I think the best approach is to take what you've learned from it. Sounds like you already are doing that.

Cheesemeister said...

I know about the eerie calm that takes over. It's great that you understand why you did it and aren't beating yourself up for it.

Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...

survivor,
if you're in canada, if you're in BC, you can go to your family doctor and tell them you are self harming and ask them to refer you to a psychiatrist...they do tend to want to prescribe meds, but you can ask for a psych. (they are medical doctors and covered under BC medical)

I know of some good ones who are affiliated with UBC.

Please. Don't stop seeing someone and talking to them. I think the self harm and the inability to really come up with anything in your last session are possibly related. Sometimes we shut up just before the damn breaks because we don't want to let it all flow.

Please. don't stop talking. please come here and write it all out, no matter how many shits and fucks there might be, please come here before you burn again.

You are a survivor and I'm so proud of you that you are here.
xx
pinks

Karma said...

I think that if money really is the issue why you take a break from seeing your therapist, that you should talk with him/her about it. My therapist gives me a HUGE discount on her normal rates to make it affordable for me.

Anyway, this is a great site - very well organized and with so much helpful info. Thanks for sharing your experience so openly.

jumpinginpuddles said...

cant you work out payment with your T? I know you have nothing to say but maybe you do but are too scared to say it, most T are really good abpout payments our T is and we are months behind :P

Wanda's Wings said...

Money is such a problem. Try to work something out so you can take care of yourself. We all slip up now and then. This is a hard time of the year for many of us. Please hang in there and take care of yourself.

Lynn said...

I have been thinking about quitting therapy, too, but maybe Tania Pink is right...

Sicily Sue said...

Oh my heart goes out to you. What approach does your counselor take with you? Man or Woman?

I was recently raped. I have learned that a good counselor makes huge difference. I was attending a group and I plan to question their methods. They shouldn’t be teaching emotion regulation and suppression that is meant for people with Borderline Personality Disorder...to rape victims. Sometimes the places you turn to for help...don't know what they are doing :-(

What you feel is valid and the pain won't go away ...on anybody else's schedule. You just trust your gut. But please don't hurt your self. I do not judge you. I just want you to be safe.

Also if you are in the Northwest there is an organization called Home Alive. I love them. It helps to talk to others who understand, They teach physical and psychological defense. They want a world of no violence. I feel very empowered by them. I have a post about them on my new blog.

http://www.anallegoryofthecave.blogspot.com/

I really want to engage with survivors out here on the blogs. I need some support and conversation too :-)

I have suffered victim blame recently too. That is on my blog as well. Who out there has had friends react negatively?

survivor said...

Hang in there Lynn

:) Dr Deb

Cie, it is an eerie calm.

Pinks know anyone in AB?

Thanks Karma

JIP - I have worked out lower payments, T offered them. Just in a really rough patch I will go back when I can

Wanda you take care of yourself too eh!

Lynn - if you can stick with it, by all means, stick with it sweetie

Sue, glad you found my site helpful. I'll check yours out. Hang in there and take good care

Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...

Survivor - I don't know of anyone in Alberta but if you go to your GP it is likely to be covered by your provincial medical insurance. If you'd like, I can contact the doc I know in BC and see if they can refer you for AB?

Email me if you want to go further with it.
xx
pinks

Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...

Survivor - I don't know of anyone in Alberta but if you go to your GP it is likely to be covered by your provincial medical insurance. If you'd like, I can contact the doc I know in BC and see if they can refer you for AB?

Email me if you want to go further with it.
xx
pinks