Thursday, March 22, 2007

I don't know anymore

I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing

I go to bed every night

I lie there waiting for sleep

Sometimes it comes

Sometimes it doesn't

I get out of bed when the alarm goes off

I have a smoke

I shower

I feed my dogs

I go to work

I spend all day wishing I was somewhere else

But I don't know where

4PM hits and I leave

I get in my car and my boyfriend drives us home

I feed my dogs

I make dinner

I sit on the couch

Numbing my mind with television

I go to bed

I lie in bed scared to sleep. Scared of the dreams. The thoughts in my head just don't end. Picture a tornado of thoughts and images swirling around with me as a speck in the middle going in circles not knowing which thought or image to hold onto or throw out

I'm going to my doctor and asking for short term disability

I put a box of hamburger helper in the fridge and lunch meat in the cupboard

I put my shoes on the wrong feet

I can't keep a steady thought in my head

I'm jumping at ordinary noises

I can't drive - can't concentrate

I have no appetite

I have no desire to do anything

It's getting worse everyday

When I asked a co-worker how a leave of absence works she asked if I was OK.

I said physically - yes

She asked me if she could ask me something without me being offended if the answer was no

I said yes

She asked if I was sexually abused

I almost jumped out of my chair in horror

She said she could see it

How I carry myself

How I back away if a man gets close to me

How my eyes look dead

I said yes

She said she could tell - I reminded her of her

She was sexually abused

She offered to take me to the Sexual Assault Center

She offered to talk to me

Anytime I needed to talk

We're going for coffee on Monday

I'm scared

Today she asked me if I was OK

I just about started crying

To counter it

I LAUGHED

I'm loosing my fucking mind

I hurt

I hurt a lot

My divorce is final

I'm divorced

I should be happy about that

I'm not

I don't fucking care

I hurt

I don't have any words to put the hurt

Just hurt

I don't want to be here anymore

I want to just go

Where?

I don't know

I don't know anything anymore

I hurt

11 comments:

Enola said...

I don't have any words to make it better. I can offer you safe, virtual hugs, if that is okay. Continue to write here - getting it out may help. I am so glad that this other woman reached out to you. Accept her outstretched hand.

Faith said...

I'm with enola. I wish to god someone had ever reached out to me. I almost breathed a sigh of relief when I read it. Just the idea of someone being so brave.

(by the way, I used to post as Sacha on Do these Jeans but that was my "secret blog". Now I'm posting as myself and though I haven't come out fully, I have come out on that blog as a rape survivor.)

Thank you for writing. I check in with you a lot and I look forward to hearing updates, even when they're not great.

jumpinginpuddles said...

sounds liek you are breaking down not the wya youd expect but silently you are crumbling please seek help survivor please

Lynn said...

I'm afraid of the dreams, too, Survivor. I'm afraid of a lot of things. It seems that you have found a valuable new friend. I'm very glad for that.

Have you talked to T or C? Sometimes it is very hard for me to ask for help when I am really scared. When the nightmare machine revs up and my functioning winds down, it's because there is an issue trying to break through. This usually makes me push my therapist away because I'm afraid and I want to hide. I don't want to see what it is that is scaring me, because I know it will be ugly. I usually wait until I am chased into a corner and scared half to death and then I call the therapist and hang on for dear life. Maybe it would be okay to tell T or C what is going on and tell them you are afraid of opening up to them. They can help to make you feel more comfortable. This is very important.

When I don't ask for help, I live in a hell that has no expiration date. When I let my therapist in and allow him to help me, I have set the timer on whatever brand of hell I am (re)experiencing. It's not easy to let someone in, even when you trust them. Sometimes I'm more afraid of telling myself than I am of telling the therapist, but I can't tell him without telling myself. This where the real dread comes in.

If you feel that T or C is truly a safe person, now would be the time to call. I know it's scary, but when I finally let my trusted person in, I'm still feel the fear, but I know that I will be safe no matter what comes up. I know that he won't think I'm crazy when I scream and cry. I know he won't leave me in that terrible place, that he will help me find my way back.

It's so hard to let go and let someone in. I know. It's terrifying. But you know what? I've done it. Again. And again. And I'm still here and I'm better off for it. Have you been to my place lately? Did you read Anatomy of a Meltdown? (Careful-Triggers) That cleared the decks a bit for now. Nightmares are down, functioning is up. I'm still afraid to go to sleep, but if you read the posts that came before that one, you'll see that I wasn't in very good shape. I am better off for grabbing on to my therapist and spilling my guts. I didn't even know what was going to come out until I started talking! It was bad, but I had imagined that it would be even worse. At any rate, it sure explained a lot about the frightening and disturbing way I'd been living in the days leading up to the meltdown. At one point, I was so dissociated that I lost the ability to speak and I was touching kitchen knives in a most inappropriate manner. I can't properly explain to you how much suffering was released because of that meltdown with the therapist. I feel a lot better after that. I made that blog post the next day. It helped to be able to write about it and set it all down more calmly after having it come out in such a messy and uncontrolled way.

Survivor, can you get T or C to help you? You don't have to dive right into your material. Let them know what's going on and that you are scared. Build up some feelings of safety with one of them and take it from there. You can do it, Survivor.

David Stefanini said...

I love the blog that you have. I was wondering if you would link my blog to yours and in return I would do the same for your blog. If you want to, my site name is American Legends and the URL is:

www.americanlegends.info

If you want to do this just go to my blog and in one of the comments just write your blog name and the URL and I will add it to my site.

Thanks,
David

Reiki 4 Life said...

I know there is nothing I can say to make you feel any better,so I won't. But know that I am sending love and light your way.

I hope talking with your co-worker helps...sometimes it does help to know you are not alone.

be well.

~meredith

Wanda's Wings said...

I'm sorry you are in so much pain. Talking can help. I don't know what it takes for the pain to go away. I wish I had that answer too. Short term disability sounds like a good idea. You need some time to take care of yourself.

Dr. Deb said...

Please know that many of your blog friends are thinking of you. What you are moving through is very, very difficult.

DivineLavender said...

Living through the hurt is the key.

Shyguy said...

I am happy that you are sharing the story of your life here frequently. I believe that it makes you feel integrated yourself with others, the few that read your blog and leave a few words in response. You would feel a sense of belongingness this way. This is the great result of globalization and the revolutionary changes Internet brought into our lives.

People often say that they empathize with others. I fail to understand this. The feelings of suffering and frustration being undergone by a person in a particular situation cannot be sensed exactly by another person despite the best efforts on his or her part, because their contexts and backgrounds are different. If somebody is consoling you, it serves a little purpose only. The reformation and reorientation need to arise in your heart. Bury the past that made you sad in many ways. Concentrate on such things which represent unconditional love for you. A dog, a dove, a tree, a flower and wind are a few to consider. Create an imaginary world for yourself. If you could not punish somebody severely outside for some practical reasons, do it in your imaginary world. Thrash him until you are tired. Scold him like a mad girl. This keeps you relieved to some extent. No bloody law can punish you for what you did there. I don’t believe in the efficiency of law and order we are seeing today around us. It’s a mess of evidences and a nuisance of procedures and codes.

Struggle for existence is the order of the day for ordinary people in this world. I have been struggling for the last three years to bring out my books. It's getting delayed on and on for some minor reasons. It hurts me and at the same time it makes me feel more fortified and challenging to see that it happens at any cost. See problems as challenges and try to face them like a dictator. The more you turn pessimistic, the more you yield yourself to minor disturbances in your life.

Canada is a heavenly abode for many people in this world. It is one of the safest and richest places to live in the world. Coming to Canada is my dream because I like the vast stretches of natural beauty set there in abundance by God. Try to rejoice that richness of beauty whenever and wherever possible. Talk to things of nature alone. Avoid thinking more about such things which make you further sad. 80% of human beings in this world are selfish and hypocritical now. They pity victims but rarely come ahead to help them out. This world is bothered about victors, not losers. Many are after stars of immorality and popularity but not after human beings of honesty and beauty of simple lifestyles. Choose the beauty of life from the simple in place of running after inaccessible dreams of luxury and fame. They come to you if you are destined to that extent. Don't struggle for them. Simplify your life to the most possible extent.

My happiness lies in the happiness of other people like you because we share similar attitude toward life. I have been unable to find even one night without dreams for the last six years. Dreams haunt me like anything. Most of them are classic pieces and I am happy to that extent. If I close my eyes, they follow me. If some are nightmares, I learn to face diffucult or scary things in an indirect manner. The journey continues. Let there be dangers on the way. We are here to face them, not to run away from them. We are the heroes in our lives. Let's internalize that intrepid spirit and march ahead.

Chiranjeevi Raju,
Hyderabad, India.

The Missing Link said...

Hi Sweetie... just readt this, and am kicking myself for being away for so long... just now getting back in touch. I think about you often, you and the rest of my blog friends. This post covered my heart with emotion... I know how you feel, what you feel, what you are trying to NOT feel... words are too casual to express the deep hurt and confusion, yet they are too sharp to exit our wounds with such force that we left with nothing but... unexplainable, crushing, draining pain...

I love you dearly, Survivor, and hope you are doing much better now... Please take good care of yourself and your heart. You are loved dearly :) xo