Monday, November 27, 2006

Crazy and Confused

It is starting to become a difficulty to find the time to write. For the first time in years I'm working a normal 8-5 schedule, I'm finding it hard to adjust. I'm happy with my job though so it's worth the struggle.

I do need to apologize as I haven't been keeping up with reading my surviving and thriving friends blogs, I do hope you are all well and even though I'm not reading, you're not far from my thoughts...

I've been struggling with feelings of sadness and despair since Saturday morning. I woke up feeling defeated and flattened. Saturday evening I was going to the liquor store and when I got to my car I just started sobbing uncontrollably - the type of crying where you start to hyperventilate. I sat in my freezing cold car for over 20 minutes hunched over just bawling. I was finally able to slow the tears and I went for a drive, a few times contemplating flooring it and smashing into something, the entire time thinking no one would know it was suicide, it would be blamed on the icy road conditions. I drove around for a long time before I was finally calmed down enough and I went to the liquor store, I only let myself get one case of Joe's Stiff Root beers and then came home. My boyfriend and his brother were in the living room watching the hockey game. I just took off my coat, cracked open two bottles and disappeared into my bedroom. I chugged back the first bottle, used my lighter to crack open the second and pounded that back. I went and got the other two bottles, lit a smoke and chugged away. After getting all 4 bottles down in less than 10 minutes I sat on my bed trying not to cry and trying to understand where this was coming from. There has to be a reason for feeling so incredibly sad, yet I can't find one.

My boyfriend came into the room to make sure I was OK and he saw that I wasn't instantly. He knelt in front of me with his hands on my knees and asked what was wrong. I told him I don't know... he said I could talk to him... it took every ounce of strength I had to hold those tears in. I wanted to crack, let the tears out and let him hold me and comfort me. I couldn't. I wanted to tell him that I hurt, it feels like my heart is dying but I couldn't... I couldn't get the words out, instead I just looked at my feet and lied... I'm OK, go watch the game. He hugged me, I held on for dear life not wanting to let him go, not wanting to be alone feeling like I was, like I still do...

I'm fighting the tears as I write this, listening to the Foo Fighters and smoking a cigarette. Wishing I could just melt into the chair and disappear forever...

"Can you go another round?
I will follow you down and out,
Let's go another round,
I will follow you down and out"


Lynn said...

I have felt like this before, too. Sometimes it makes me a little scared, but more than anything, sadness just HURTS, it's so depairing. Maybe one day you will be able to do what you wanted to do and just hug your boyfriend and let yourself tell him that you hurt, just cry and let him comfort you. I have been able to do this a couple of times since summer. The first time I let this happen, I actually felt a little embarrassed afterward. Maybe I was ashamed for needing, as this is how things were in my family while I was growing up. The second time, I actually felt comforted, and oddly, I felt stronger for allowing that to happen. I know it's hard. It's still hard for me, too, but you are doing, being, feeling... it sounds like a good thing. My best thoughts and wishes are for you, friend.

Holly said...

Dear Survivor,
I am getting ready for my trip, take care.
Your in my thoughts also, Holly
Lots of love during this holiday season!

cheesemeister said...

I wonder if it's partly the season, the shortening of days, I've heard this from a lot of people, feeling extra depressed. But of course for those who have been abused and molested, there is always something else that may be triggering this kind of thing.
Me, of course, I have to do everything ass backwards. I get all messed up in the Spring. If I ever commit suicide it will be in April. I always get super depressed in late March-April. I hate that month!
I hope you figure it out and feel better soon.

Wanda's Wings said...

I'm sorry you are so depressed right now. Try to take some time for yourself. Be kind to yourself and do what ever you need to to make it better. Get the hugs you need and don't be afaird to let others know what you need. Please take care of yourself!

Dr. Deborah Serani said...

It's hard to balance it all, but sounds to me like you're doing your best. And that sincere effort is felt.

jumpinginpuddles said...

oh man ya sound so down im real sory fa ya pain me matie real sory

Revolutionary Blogger said...

Congrats on your new job/schedule. Wish I could tell you something inspiring or uplifting. All I can say is that from your earlier blog entries from a long time ago, you are making good progress. Keep up the fight and I hope you feel better in the comming days.

Lisa said...

I am writing to invite you to submit a post to the 7th Edition of the Carnival Against Child Abuse, hosted by Sadly Normal. Since it is the last one of the year, I would like to make it huge! I have a few different categories, and I have opened up my blog to guest writers for people who dont have a blog.

The information can be found here:

Thank you for your consideration!!!

Be gentle to you.
Lisa aka Franki
Seeking Justice for Adult Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you and wondering how youa re doing.

Deb at

Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...

Dear Dear Survivor,

You aren't alone.

I seem to recal you have some professional support, isn't that right? I hope so. If not - I see your links and I really hope you will click them.

I want to say let the tears flow because we who have been abused are like a bucket of pain and we can only fill up with so much grief before we overflow. We have to let some of the top flow off so we have room for a little good to flow in.

This is a tough time of year and I know that it doesn't help to know that but maybe you can hold on to the hope of spring, to the hope of tomorrow, to a time when the grief will be felt and assimilated.

Congratulations on your job.

Every day you get up and get out of bed, it is a victory. And sometimes we just need to rest.

But please come back soon. We miss you.