Thursday, January 04, 2007

I'm back...

It's been such a long time since I've written anything I don't know where to start. I have been wanting to write, but being away so long this feels somewhat foreign to me now... it's like I'm forcing myself to come here and write about my feelings... it's been a long time since I've been really honest with myself or C or T about how I've really been. I feel like a fraud trying to be honest now.

Sigh.

Sometimes, I just don't get it.

Sometimes I'm so angry and filled with rage I'm scared I'm going to lash out at some unsuspecting, undeserving person and just scream my bloody head off. Or worst, cause physical harm.

That's my biggest worry... how long can I control this anger that is boiling in me? How long before I do explode into a fit of rage and hurt someone?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a maniac or a rageaholic... just someone who is incredibly angry. ALL THE TIME.

Coupled with the anger is an immense amount of sadness. I walk around every day holding it all in. Putting on the happy face at work, laughing and smiling... I was told the other day by a co-worker that I'm the happiest person they've ever met!! I laughed my ass off and thought "God, I'm good!!"

How wrong is that? How horrible is it that people don't really know me? Sure, it's just a co-worker, but with the facade I keep 24/7, does anyone really know me? Do I even know myself?

One of the reasons I stopped writing was because I'm sick of writing about the same things all the time...

"I'm so sad... I hurt so much... "

I'm just plain sick of it. I'm really doing nothing but whining and complaining about how shitty my life is... when really, asides from the past, there's nothing overly shitty about it. My present and my future are bright, I know this. Yet my past is overshadowing, drowning my present. Even worse, my future. It's one big frustrating circle...

And my one wish... always the same.
I wish I had a magic wand, a genie, anything that would wipe away my past. Anything to destroy it.

Hmmmm... I wonder if I could get hypnotized and they could wipe my memory clean from around the age of 24 or so... delete the abuse, rape, ex-husband. All of it...

How severe of a head injury would I need to sustain to get amnesia and forget my entire life?

If that happened would I be better off?

Sadly, I don't think so.

There's a part of me that is grateful for my past... I don't think I'd be even remotely close to the person I am today without those experiences, however traumatizing they were.

I realize I'm rambling about nothing in particular... once I started typing the thoughts just started flowing and it feels more natural now.

I'm glad to be back. Thanks for reading...

10 comments:

Lynn said...

Hi, Survivor. I'm glad you're back. While reading this post, I couldn't help but think that I could have written it myself. You're not alone, if that helps.

Cheesemeister said...

I usually feel that same way. Enraged coupled with a deep sorrow. I don't know if there's anything that can be done about it either. Fat lot of help I am!

Breeya said...

Dear Survivor,

I am gald to see you back. I have been away from blogging for quite a long time myself.
You do not complaing abou how your life is in the present much. Most of your post are about the past, and the effect it has on your present, on how you feel. I would never say you are whining, I think you are just trying to come to terms with it. You are trying to heal, and that is a long process.
Think about all the times the writing, the "whining" and "complaining" have eventually led you to an "a-ha" moment, about all the stepping stones on your healing that you have already managed to put.
It has happened to me as well, more than once, feel tired of it, and as you feeling I am just whining, but not getting anywhere. I think I could safely say that all those times I had something stuck, I had been talking, complining and going around something that was part of the problem, but I actually wanted to focus on something else, I could not even see for some time.
You said you haven´t been really honest for some time. Do you know why? I normally find that uqestion usefull, though very hard to answer.

About the anger, I think I understand. I feel like that for long periods of time as well, anger and sad, very intensely.
It is hard to deal with. I so ofen think it would be better for me to try solve the source than invest so much effort on not lashing out, and putting a happy face. But I guess we still have to function at the same time we heal. Finding the balance can be so difficult sometimes. I think to omuch pretending probably dioes more harm to us, that not enough would do to others. Hope you can give yourself a break at some point.

Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...

Hi Survivor. So happy to hear from you again.

I wonder - and its just a thought - whether something like bioenergetics would be something you'd be interested in? Its a body therapy that unleashes all the rage etc. Pretty hard core tho.

Another thought - Osho Humaniversity (I know - dopey name) has something called an Aum meditation that is very releasing.

I know there is an Osho community in Vancouver. Google them if you're interested.
xx
pinks

Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...

Hi Survivor. So happy to hear from you again.

I wonder - and its just a thought - whether something like bioenergetics would be something you'd be interested in? Its a body therapy that unleashes all the rage etc. Pretty hard core tho.

Another thought - Osho Humaniversity (I know - dopey name) has something called an Aum meditation that is very releasing.

I know there is an Osho community in Vancouver. Google them if you're interested.
xx
pinks

Faith said...

Glad to see you back. And please don't try to do anything to erase your memories. They are actually working on some therapy techniques designed to do this. I can't imagine it would do anything other than compound the problem. We must all deal with our issues, not push them aside and try to forget. Our experiences can not just be wiped away with a magic eraser...

Wanda's Wings said...

I'm glad you are back! I've been worried about you. I know it would be great if we could change our past. Sometimes I just wish it would go away too. You are a great person, so hang in there.

jumpinginpuddles said...

hey,

good to hear from you again you are right you cant erase the past but you can ensure the future

Sicily Sue said...

Thank you for your site. You are here to speak and scare the nasty truth from its safe dark corner. I am a recent victim. After my rape I found it was hard to get people to talk about it. Sites like this help me so much. I feel angry a lot to and I have learned that for me the anger comes from many places....but mostly it comes from fear. I am that growling dog that is really just terrified.

I feel that I will better protect myself when I am hyper-vigilant. These feelings of being prepared by fear... and knowing I won't ever sleep again or relax...contrast each other... I just can’t give the hyper-vigilance up. Not yet at least.
I was molested at 5. Had two attempted rapes. Was stalked by a rapist for a year. Had a neighbor who was raped and murdered while I slept next door. Then finally a few months ago…the rape. I HAVE HAD IT!!!!

For me the only thing that makes me feel better is speaking out and helping others…that and the hope that I he will be found guilty.

abritt5004 said...

Keep on releasing your emotions it's cleansing for you soulfully. I have not emailed you before. I just wanted to say I'm glad you are still alive. Keep on moving and Staying strong. You've made it this far so it's a reason you're still here. I love you even though i don't know you. Smile:)