Wednesday, April 12, 2006

::insert scream of frustation::

Now I'm getting pissed off.

I am sooooo sick of feeling shitty.

I am so sick of being on the verge of tears.

I am so sick of having to put on a happy face while at work.

I am so sick of hurting.

I am so sick of memories.

I am so sick of nightmares.

I am so sick of every damn fucking thing in my life.

I'm pondering the question...

What the FUCK is the point?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hi,

I have been trying to organise my thoughts since I read this yesterday. trying to think what is the point.
Why do I keep going?
I have been tired and sick of it all more than once, thinking why not just end it. But even though I have seriously considered it two or three times (and not that seriously hundreds of times), I am still here, so there must be a reason.

I can't really come up with an all convicing reason.

I think there have been different reasons at different times.
Now, I think a part of me never gives up on the possibility that one day I might be happy.
As I said before when I am down, hitting bottom I know it will pass, I will get out of there.
The same way I have some hope that I can do this, that I can get through this hurt, this pain. That one day the nightmares will stop and I'll be done with the memories. That I will bend things my way.
Then, I hope, I won't feel worthless anymore, I won't feel shitty, I won't be scared.

It has been a long time sice I started dealing with my problems, though it hasn't been a steady process, there have been long periods of time of putting everyhting apart, which probably haven't been good for me, but at the time was all I could do.
I can see now that some things have changed, I have more resources, I feel more capable of doing this, I am more certain that I will get there, and even the process of it has become less painful.

Of course I have terrible downs, but even those are getting more manageable.

So, in summary I guess what I am saying, is if you think that what you have now is what you will ever have and feel, then I would say there is no point. But if you think that things can be different, then there is a point. You can feel good, you have in the past enyojed life.
So, if you think that it can be like that most of the time then there is a point.

I am sorry you have to go through all this. I am sorry I have to, I am sorry anyone has to. Is not fair.
Unfortunately is the way it is. I have wondered endlessly about why; why is it this way. What I have I done wrong, what do I do wrong.
I think the answer is nothing. The wrong was never on me was on my father.
What do I keep doing worng, why do I still hurt anf feel like this?
Because is not easy. In a way I/we have to unlearn and learn everyhting.

I think some part of you knows this, and knows there is a point, that is possible o feel better (even happy). That is why you started with the process.
Look for it again, don't let the hurt, and other bad feelings, bury it.