You all are right I think.
I don't think it's possible to heal 100%. Every experience, good or bad, leaves a mark on us and that mark stays forever. I believe it's how we deal with those marks that impacts us in the long run.
I let this control my life for so long and I guess without knowing it, I decided not to let it. I fully expect to be in bad places again, I expect to have nightmares and flashbacks again at some point in time. What I don't expect is that I'll be back where I once was, to the deepest depths of despair, practicing SI or thinking about suicide.
I've been thinking about this a lot and I fully believe I am prepared to handle a flashback or a terrifying nightmare because I have the tools to handle it. I know how to bring myself back and remind myself that he can't hurt me now. I can listen and believe myself when I repeat over and over in my head that it's OK, I'm OK and I will be OK.
It's strange... it's like this switch was flipped in my head and I understand myself better than I ever have. I can also toot my own horn and look at the strength and the courage it took to get here.
Life isn't all roses, sometimes we get shit on by elephants but after time the stink fades...
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Thursday, August 16, 2007
The Journey?
When do you know when you've healed as much as you can? How do you know? Do you ever really heal?
Monday, August 13, 2007
New beginnings?
Well... this sucks.
With the help of C and our session today I think I've reached a plateau of sorts. I think I have healed as much as I can, at least for this point in my life.
That's great. That's cause for celebration.
At least it should be.
Our session ended just 30 minutes ago, and I've been sitting on my bed crying since I hung up the phone.
I'm proud of myself. There was a time when I didn't think I'd reach this place and I thought that when I finally did I know it. Dancing down the street know it.
I do know it though. And I guess I've known it for a while now because I haven't been able to write, I haven't been able to talk about it and I don't really think about it that much anymore. I can sleep without nightmares, I'm not rocked with flashbacks.
Yet, I'm terrified....
With the help of C and our session today I think I've reached a plateau of sorts. I think I have healed as much as I can, at least for this point in my life.
That's great. That's cause for celebration.
At least it should be.
Our session ended just 30 minutes ago, and I've been sitting on my bed crying since I hung up the phone.
I'm proud of myself. There was a time when I didn't think I'd reach this place and I thought that when I finally did I know it. Dancing down the street know it.
I do know it though. And I guess I've known it for a while now because I haven't been able to write, I haven't been able to talk about it and I don't really think about it that much anymore. I can sleep without nightmares, I'm not rocked with flashbacks.
Yet, I'm terrified....
Monday, August 06, 2007
That's My Job
I was going through my music folder on my computer earlier today and came across this song. As soon as I saw it, my heart stopped. At least it felt like it.
I played it.
And I cried. The tears just streamed down my face. I sat in front of my computer with my eyes closed feeling pain and grief. Loss.
The song hits me so strong because even though it's about a boy and his father, it's about a relationship I never had and never will have.
It's heartbreaking.
I needed to post it on here to let go of some of the pain the song creates. I can't hold it alone.
Thank you for sharing in my pain.
[That's My Job]
I played it.
And I cried. The tears just streamed down my face. I sat in front of my computer with my eyes closed feeling pain and grief. Loss.
The song hits me so strong because even though it's about a boy and his father, it's about a relationship I never had and never will have.
It's heartbreaking.
I needed to post it on here to let go of some of the pain the song creates. I can't hold it alone.
Thank you for sharing in my pain.
[That's My Job]
Thursday, July 19, 2007
struggles
I've been avoiding this place for a long time. I haven't wanted to deal with anything related to this and coming here is just a reminder of what I'm trying to ignore.
I've tried to write a few times but I end up just writing the same things over and over again - I'm sad, I feel like crying... I'm sick of it.
It's been such a long time I really don't know where to start
I've tried to write a few times but I end up just writing the same things over and over again - I'm sad, I feel like crying... I'm sick of it.
It's been such a long time I really don't know where to start
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
Vacation
Whew... I have the rest of the week off. It was a bit of a fight to get it, but I won the battle!
Today was my first day to sleep in and relax a bit - well that's what it was supposed to be, but I can't sit still. Instead I taught myself how to lay lino in the basement bathroom. My boyfriend and I had finished painting it a few days ago so I had to scrape paint off the cement floor and putty from when we did the drywall before I could put the lino down. I only finished half of it because I was dying of heat and sweating to death, 27C before noon today. It's supposed to cooler tomorrow so I figure I'll finish the rest. I'm becoming quite the jack of all trades and I'm rather good at it (if I toot my own horn!) If I finish the basement bathroom tomorrow then on Wednesday I'm tackling the upstairs bathroom - ripping off the wall tiles that have been there for 27 years should be a challenge!
Doing all of this work is letting my get out my frustrations with work and my life. I'm actually feeling pretty good right now. Found out yesterday at work that the company I work for lost the contract so we will be transitioning to other jobs by July 31st. I really hope I am not here by then, I'm aiming at moving to BC by mid July.
I had a big scare last week with my yellow Lab Sandy. She had bloody diarrhea and vomit - not something my boyfriend (he kicks ass) enjoyed cleaning up. I couldn't do it, I just kept gagging. I called the vet and talked to her about what was happening and they wanted her in right away so my mother took her in Friday morning and left her there. The Vet called me a couple hours later and said she was running a high temperature but otherwise appears healthy and gave me the choice to treat her with meds and see if it clears up or to do blood tests and an x-ray of her stomach. I chose the blood test/x-ray route for peace of mind because she's my baby girl. Thankfully most of the tests came out fine except for a liver enzyme being elevated. They had to send out another test because they couldn't do it there to do further testing on her liver and they let me know on Monday that that test came back fine. So Sandy has been on 3 different types of meds since Friday and is doing great now! I was so incredibly scared something was really seriously wrong - blood in anything is never a good sign. Only a couple more days of meds thankfully - stuffing pills down her throat 4 times a day is not fun.
Other than that, it's the same old shit, different day...
Today was my first day to sleep in and relax a bit - well that's what it was supposed to be, but I can't sit still. Instead I taught myself how to lay lino in the basement bathroom. My boyfriend and I had finished painting it a few days ago so I had to scrape paint off the cement floor and putty from when we did the drywall before I could put the lino down. I only finished half of it because I was dying of heat and sweating to death, 27C before noon today. It's supposed to cooler tomorrow so I figure I'll finish the rest. I'm becoming quite the jack of all trades and I'm rather good at it (if I toot my own horn!) If I finish the basement bathroom tomorrow then on Wednesday I'm tackling the upstairs bathroom - ripping off the wall tiles that have been there for 27 years should be a challenge!
Doing all of this work is letting my get out my frustrations with work and my life. I'm actually feeling pretty good right now. Found out yesterday at work that the company I work for lost the contract so we will be transitioning to other jobs by July 31st. I really hope I am not here by then, I'm aiming at moving to BC by mid July.
I had a big scare last week with my yellow Lab Sandy. She had bloody diarrhea and vomit - not something my boyfriend (he kicks ass) enjoyed cleaning up. I couldn't do it, I just kept gagging. I called the vet and talked to her about what was happening and they wanted her in right away so my mother took her in Friday morning and left her there. The Vet called me a couple hours later and said she was running a high temperature but otherwise appears healthy and gave me the choice to treat her with meds and see if it clears up or to do blood tests and an x-ray of her stomach. I chose the blood test/x-ray route for peace of mind because she's my baby girl. Thankfully most of the tests came out fine except for a liver enzyme being elevated. They had to send out another test because they couldn't do it there to do further testing on her liver and they let me know on Monday that that test came back fine. So Sandy has been on 3 different types of meds since Friday and is doing great now! I was so incredibly scared something was really seriously wrong - blood in anything is never a good sign. Only a couple more days of meds thankfully - stuffing pills down her throat 4 times a day is not fun.
Other than that, it's the same old shit, different day...
Monday, May 14, 2007
Light Duty
I've lost my mind. I am extremely stressed out. By the time Friday rolls around I'm a complete mess. My temper is rearing it's ugly head. I can't sit still. I can't sleep. I stare blindly at the television. I'm developing twitches in my eyes and fingers.
I've lost it.
I missed 3 and half days of work in the past 2 weeks. I left this past Friday on the verge of tears and an tantrum. When I wanted to thrown my phone across the office I decided I had better leave. I wanted to pack a bag, take my dogs and just leave, start fresh some where else.
My manager pulled me into a meeting this morning. I told him I am extremely stressed and I can't handle this job on top of personal things I'm dealing with. He said he could put me on light duty because they don't want to loose me. I agreed. I had no other choice really, either keep working and live or quit and lose everything. My manager then told me that this job isn't worth my health and they'll do everything they can to help me... bullshit! It's this job that is breaking me down, putting my stress over the edge. I can't go into much detail, but the contract is over July 31 and they have guaranteed all of us jobs, but doing what is the question. They have offered training and such but with no details. I have no idea where I will be at the end of July. I can't handle that, I need to know. I need that stability. I've asked many many times but they go in circles. I've stopped asking.
I want out of this city. The cost of living is skyrocketing but wages aren't increasing. Correction, they're increasing if you're in the oil industry or a rig pig. For starters, it's a boy's club... don't have a penis, you can't play. It's 2007 and that's still an issue. I won't even go into how much that pisses me off because I'm able bodied, I can do ANY work any damn man could... anyway, I'm slowly sinking financially. Every month it's getting a little bit worse. The city now plans to increase residential property taxes by another 10% after a 7% hike in December, yet they are giving a commercial property tax break, lifting the tax levies on businesses and have the gull to tell everyone that they can't afford to fill all the pot holes!!! I hate this fucking place... and to top it off, the city was just named the Murder Capital of Canada!!!!
Time to move?? Uh yeah...
My father is moving to BC - thank fucking god! I've seen him a lot lately, more than I see him in a year in the past few weeks. I get the pleasure of seeing him tomorrow after work... that's just fucking killing me. He slapped my ass with a shoe horn the last time I saw him. I almost jumped out of my skin, but did I say anything? Nope! Not a damn thing, little me just cowers away and then beats myself up for days after. Him moving to BC has thwarted my plans... I want to move to BC. And we are actually talking about it. The housing market here is retarded, the average cost of a single family home is well over $400 000 - the place I want to move to is about $150 000. I've found a couple places I'd like to work there as well - get out of IT and go back in Hotel Management, something I actually enjoyed. My mother, my boyfriend and I are looking at houses there as well. We've found a couple we like and are going to drive out and take a look in person, probably this weekend. It's time to get out of this shitty city and start new. If we can sell this house, take the cash buy a new house out right, pay off all of the bills and still have 100 grand to play with we'll be laughing... and of course I can get out of this house where I was abused and raped... oh how much better it would be.
I'm just rambling, but I've been holding this in and am on the verge of completely snapping...
I see my doctor on the 17th - asking for an increase in my meds. Originally I was going to ask for short term disability, but with light duty I might be able to last until the end of July...
Did I mention I feel like crying all the damn time?
I've been having thoughts of suicide again... while walking through the 4th of a building downtown I imagined jumping...
I want to self harm like fucking crazy because I know I will feel better, at least temporarily...
I tried to contact T but she's moved to BC too (anyone see a trend here?) and referred me to someone else but I can't work up the courage to call... I don't really even want to, but I was in a crisis last week and I think I still kind of am...
My mind just won't stop...
I've lost it.
I missed 3 and half days of work in the past 2 weeks. I left this past Friday on the verge of tears and an tantrum. When I wanted to thrown my phone across the office I decided I had better leave. I wanted to pack a bag, take my dogs and just leave, start fresh some where else.
My manager pulled me into a meeting this morning. I told him I am extremely stressed and I can't handle this job on top of personal things I'm dealing with. He said he could put me on light duty because they don't want to loose me. I agreed. I had no other choice really, either keep working and live or quit and lose everything. My manager then told me that this job isn't worth my health and they'll do everything they can to help me... bullshit! It's this job that is breaking me down, putting my stress over the edge. I can't go into much detail, but the contract is over July 31 and they have guaranteed all of us jobs, but doing what is the question. They have offered training and such but with no details. I have no idea where I will be at the end of July. I can't handle that, I need to know. I need that stability. I've asked many many times but they go in circles. I've stopped asking.
I want out of this city. The cost of living is skyrocketing but wages aren't increasing. Correction, they're increasing if you're in the oil industry or a rig pig. For starters, it's a boy's club... don't have a penis, you can't play. It's 2007 and that's still an issue. I won't even go into how much that pisses me off because I'm able bodied, I can do ANY work any damn man could... anyway, I'm slowly sinking financially. Every month it's getting a little bit worse. The city now plans to increase residential property taxes by another 10% after a 7% hike in December, yet they are giving a commercial property tax break, lifting the tax levies on businesses and have the gull to tell everyone that they can't afford to fill all the pot holes!!! I hate this fucking place... and to top it off, the city was just named the Murder Capital of Canada!!!!
Time to move?? Uh yeah...
My father is moving to BC - thank fucking god! I've seen him a lot lately, more than I see him in a year in the past few weeks. I get the pleasure of seeing him tomorrow after work... that's just fucking killing me. He slapped my ass with a shoe horn the last time I saw him. I almost jumped out of my skin, but did I say anything? Nope! Not a damn thing, little me just cowers away and then beats myself up for days after. Him moving to BC has thwarted my plans... I want to move to BC. And we are actually talking about it. The housing market here is retarded, the average cost of a single family home is well over $400 000 - the place I want to move to is about $150 000. I've found a couple places I'd like to work there as well - get out of IT and go back in Hotel Management, something I actually enjoyed. My mother, my boyfriend and I are looking at houses there as well. We've found a couple we like and are going to drive out and take a look in person, probably this weekend. It's time to get out of this shitty city and start new. If we can sell this house, take the cash buy a new house out right, pay off all of the bills and still have 100 grand to play with we'll be laughing... and of course I can get out of this house where I was abused and raped... oh how much better it would be.
I'm just rambling, but I've been holding this in and am on the verge of completely snapping...
I see my doctor on the 17th - asking for an increase in my meds. Originally I was going to ask for short term disability, but with light duty I might be able to last until the end of July...
Did I mention I feel like crying all the damn time?
I've been having thoughts of suicide again... while walking through the 4th of a building downtown I imagined jumping...
I want to self harm like fucking crazy because I know I will feel better, at least temporarily...
I tried to contact T but she's moved to BC too (anyone see a trend here?) and referred me to someone else but I can't work up the courage to call... I don't really even want to, but I was in a crisis last week and I think I still kind of am...
My mind just won't stop...
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Horrible
I'm in a fairly horrible place right now. Thanks everyone for your suggestions for stress relief, I think the best way to reduce my stress is to quit my job!!
I'll try to be write a little more often...
I'll try to be write a little more often...
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
And here's ugly
I'm working with C again (thank God) and we've been working on the feelings of abandonment I'm experiencing.
When I started writing about my mother the pain and sadness came crashing in. Talking about it with C last night felt like a 20 ton anvil was dropped on me. I started to cry as I asked C not to challenge me on a statement I was about to make... "why would I think anyone could care about me when my own mother doesn't?"
I think about that a lot. I think about the people in my life and wonder why they care? How could they care? Why do they WANT to? There's also the "ifs" - if my own mother couldn't.....
Thinking about this makes me feel horrible.
We also discovered that I hurt or push people away intentionally to see their reaction and to get verification that they do care.
It hit me like a ton of bricks to come to that realization.
I don't want to intentionally hurt anyone, especially the people that I care about or are close to me. But I can see how I do it, and I understand why I do it... it's driven by my need of needing to know that people do care about me... which is just that much more confusing when I go back to the why or how could anyone care about me...
It's all very confusing.
I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around it. I really just want to "fix" this behaviour because it's not how I want to be. I don't like it and I don't really like myself because of it. I think it makes me ugly. Manipulative. It reminds me of the things my mother does...
The one thing I know for sure is that this is behaviour isn't going to keep happening. I'm going to über-aware and try my damnedest to keep it under wraps.
When I started writing about my mother the pain and sadness came crashing in. Talking about it with C last night felt like a 20 ton anvil was dropped on me. I started to cry as I asked C not to challenge me on a statement I was about to make... "why would I think anyone could care about me when my own mother doesn't?"
I think about that a lot. I think about the people in my life and wonder why they care? How could they care? Why do they WANT to? There's also the "ifs" - if my own mother couldn't.....
Thinking about this makes me feel horrible.
We also discovered that I hurt or push people away intentionally to see their reaction and to get verification that they do care.
It hit me like a ton of bricks to come to that realization.
I don't want to intentionally hurt anyone, especially the people that I care about or are close to me. But I can see how I do it, and I understand why I do it... it's driven by my need of needing to know that people do care about me... which is just that much more confusing when I go back to the why or how could anyone care about me...
It's all very confusing.
I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around it. I really just want to "fix" this behaviour because it's not how I want to be. I don't like it and I don't really like myself because of it. I think it makes me ugly. Manipulative. It reminds me of the things my mother does...
The one thing I know for sure is that this is behaviour isn't going to keep happening. I'm going to über-aware and try my damnedest to keep it under wraps.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
I don't know anymore
I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing
I go to bed every night
I lie there waiting for sleep
Sometimes it comes
Sometimes it doesn't
I get out of bed when the alarm goes off
I have a smoke
I shower
I feed my dogs
I go to work
I spend all day wishing I was somewhere else
But I don't know where
4PM hits and I leave
I get in my car and my boyfriend drives us home
I feed my dogs
I make dinner
I sit on the couch
Numbing my mind with television
I go to bed
I lie in bed scared to sleep. Scared of the dreams. The thoughts in my head just don't end. Picture a tornado of thoughts and images swirling around with me as a speck in the middle going in circles not knowing which thought or image to hold onto or throw out
I'm going to my doctor and asking for short term disability
I put a box of hamburger helper in the fridge and lunch meat in the cupboard
I put my shoes on the wrong feet
I can't keep a steady thought in my head
I'm jumping at ordinary noises
I can't drive - can't concentrate
I have no appetite
I have no desire to do anything
It's getting worse everyday
When I asked a co-worker how a leave of absence works she asked if I was OK.
I said physically - yes
She asked me if she could ask me something without me being offended if the answer was no
I said yes
She asked if I was sexually abused
I almost jumped out of my chair in horror
She said she could see it
How I carry myself
How I back away if a man gets close to me
How my eyes look dead
I said yes
She said she could tell - I reminded her of her
She was sexually abused
She offered to take me to the Sexual Assault Center
She offered to talk to me
Anytime I needed to talk
We're going for coffee on Monday
I'm scared
Today she asked me if I was OK
I just about started crying
To counter it
I LAUGHED
I'm loosing my fucking mind
I hurt
I hurt a lot
My divorce is final
I'm divorced
I should be happy about that
I'm not
I don't fucking care
I hurt
I don't have any words to put the hurt
Just hurt
I don't want to be here anymore
I want to just go
Where?
I don't know
I don't know anything anymore
I hurt
I go to bed every night
I lie there waiting for sleep
Sometimes it comes
Sometimes it doesn't
I get out of bed when the alarm goes off
I have a smoke
I shower
I feed my dogs
I go to work
I spend all day wishing I was somewhere else
But I don't know where
4PM hits and I leave
I get in my car and my boyfriend drives us home
I feed my dogs
I make dinner
I sit on the couch
Numbing my mind with television
I go to bed
I lie in bed scared to sleep. Scared of the dreams. The thoughts in my head just don't end. Picture a tornado of thoughts and images swirling around with me as a speck in the middle going in circles not knowing which thought or image to hold onto or throw out
I'm going to my doctor and asking for short term disability
I put a box of hamburger helper in the fridge and lunch meat in the cupboard
I put my shoes on the wrong feet
I can't keep a steady thought in my head
I'm jumping at ordinary noises
I can't drive - can't concentrate
I have no appetite
I have no desire to do anything
It's getting worse everyday
When I asked a co-worker how a leave of absence works she asked if I was OK.
I said physically - yes
She asked me if she could ask me something without me being offended if the answer was no
I said yes
She asked if I was sexually abused
I almost jumped out of my chair in horror
She said she could see it
How I carry myself
How I back away if a man gets close to me
How my eyes look dead
I said yes
She said she could tell - I reminded her of her
She was sexually abused
She offered to take me to the Sexual Assault Center
She offered to talk to me
Anytime I needed to talk
We're going for coffee on Monday
I'm scared
Today she asked me if I was OK
I just about started crying
To counter it
I LAUGHED
I'm loosing my fucking mind
I hurt
I hurt a lot
My divorce is final
I'm divorced
I should be happy about that
I'm not
I don't fucking care
I hurt
I don't have any words to put the hurt
Just hurt
I don't want to be here anymore
I want to just go
Where?
I don't know
I don't know anything anymore
I hurt
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Maybe Tomorrow
I feel like I'm in a pressure cooker and ready to implode, all of the ugliness inside me pouring out.
Nice visual...
I almost went to the hospital on the weekend to check myself in to the psych ward...
There should be awards for the best depressed/suicidal happy faces... not to toot my own horn, but I'd be in the running... almost a shoe-in to win!
I'm a barrel of hollow laughs and fake smiles. Forced and mechanical.
The one thing that isn't fake is the tears which I'm constantly choking back.
I've gone full circle from not being able to cry to crying all the time, but trying not to.
How the fuck does that work??
It's driving me insane that I can't contact C... and well, with T, I don't really want to... she scares me... too good at getting inside my head and really "seeing" ME!! I dunno, maybe I should just give up on the whole therapy deal, go back to "the face" and pretend everything is all good again... it worked my whole life so why not?
And there's one thing that makes me want to just stop therapy forever... C is taking some time off and I'm totally cool with that, very happy for her actually. But... (there's always a but, isn't there?!) I'm getting annoyed and frustrated... C emailed me a week and a half ago to see how I was, I tried to email her back but her email address doesn't exist anymore and I get delivery failure messages... seeing as how this is the only way I have to contact her, I'm now left in the dark wondering WTF? It's really, tremendously frustrating. And honestly, I don't even want to deal with it anymore... I don't know if I'm harboring past feelings or what, but I'm feeling kind of abandoned(?)... and I absolutely fucking hate that because I'm not supposed to depend on anyone for anything... all you truly have, one hundred percent, is yourself... I am the only constant in my life...
Do I even have a right to feel this way? And I don't care about the everyone has feelings and we're all entitled to our feelings... am I being selfish? I would have been better off if C hadn't even contacted me.
I'm having a really hard time with this, trying to express how I feel...
fuck sakes
It shouldn't make me feel like this. I'm frustrated. I'm hurt. I'm feeling worthless. Abandoned. Completely left alone... discarded I guess... like trash.
I want a therapist who can give me what I need. I need someone who keeps their word, who cares not because they're paid to, but because they actually do. Someone who, if you need a hug, they'll give you one... This isn't aimed at the (I guess) current T or C because they're both awesome and have helped me in their own ways, but at a new one if I do decide to go that route... does such a therapist exist? If so, how the hell do you weed them out? At the same time, maybe I already have one and I just don't see it... I don't fucking know
I'm just rambling.
I'm pissed off in general and it's coming out all over the place.
I keep thinking about this poem I read years ago. I don't remember where I read it, but I wrote it down and keep it in my wallet. I've read it about a hundred times the past of couple of weeks and the card it's on is so tear stained that I can barely read it anymore.
It makes me cry and feel more alone...
After A While
After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,
With the grace of a woman,
Not the grief of a child
And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After awhile you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
In stead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth,
and you learn and learn...
With every good bye you learn.
Veronica Shoffstall 1971
Nice visual...
I almost went to the hospital on the weekend to check myself in to the psych ward...
There should be awards for the best depressed/suicidal happy faces... not to toot my own horn, but I'd be in the running... almost a shoe-in to win!
I'm a barrel of hollow laughs and fake smiles. Forced and mechanical.
The one thing that isn't fake is the tears which I'm constantly choking back.
I've gone full circle from not being able to cry to crying all the time, but trying not to.
How the fuck does that work??
It's driving me insane that I can't contact C... and well, with T, I don't really want to... she scares me... too good at getting inside my head and really "seeing" ME!! I dunno, maybe I should just give up on the whole therapy deal, go back to "the face" and pretend everything is all good again... it worked my whole life so why not?
And there's one thing that makes me want to just stop therapy forever... C is taking some time off and I'm totally cool with that, very happy for her actually. But... (there's always a but, isn't there?!) I'm getting annoyed and frustrated... C emailed me a week and a half ago to see how I was, I tried to email her back but her email address doesn't exist anymore and I get delivery failure messages... seeing as how this is the only way I have to contact her, I'm now left in the dark wondering WTF? It's really, tremendously frustrating. And honestly, I don't even want to deal with it anymore... I don't know if I'm harboring past feelings or what, but I'm feeling kind of abandoned(?)... and I absolutely fucking hate that because I'm not supposed to depend on anyone for anything... all you truly have, one hundred percent, is yourself... I am the only constant in my life...
Do I even have a right to feel this way? And I don't care about the everyone has feelings and we're all entitled to our feelings... am I being selfish? I would have been better off if C hadn't even contacted me.
I'm having a really hard time with this, trying to express how I feel...
fuck sakes
It shouldn't make me feel like this. I'm frustrated. I'm hurt. I'm feeling worthless. Abandoned. Completely left alone... discarded I guess... like trash.
I want a therapist who can give me what I need. I need someone who keeps their word, who cares not because they're paid to, but because they actually do. Someone who, if you need a hug, they'll give you one... This isn't aimed at the (I guess) current T or C because they're both awesome and have helped me in their own ways, but at a new one if I do decide to go that route... does such a therapist exist? If so, how the hell do you weed them out? At the same time, maybe I already have one and I just don't see it... I don't fucking know
I'm just rambling.
I'm pissed off in general and it's coming out all over the place.
I keep thinking about this poem I read years ago. I don't remember where I read it, but I wrote it down and keep it in my wallet. I've read it about a hundred times the past of couple of weeks and the card it's on is so tear stained that I can barely read it anymore.
It makes me cry and feel more alone...
After A While
After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,
With the grace of a woman,
Not the grief of a child
And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After awhile you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
In stead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth,
and you learn and learn...
With every good bye you learn.
Veronica Shoffstall 1971
Friday, March 02, 2007
Here we go again...
I'm at a serious low and continuing to sink.
I keep telling myself I'm OK.
I'm not. I'm not OK, not even close.
I keep welling up at work. I dig my nails into my palms to keep the tears away. Everything is getting to me, and I mean everything...
I want to spend the weekend in bed. I want to be alone, but being alone isn't the best thing for me. I know this, but I still want to be alone. I want everyone to just fade away so I can sink and keep sinking because there doesn't seem to be a bottom.
My whole body aches, I've had a never ending headache for days now. The whole trade bullshit and feeling betrayed is completely fueling all of these feelings. More wood on the fire.
I'm feeling suicidal again. I'm extremely embarrassed to even admit it.
I've put so much energy into trying to convince myself and everyone else around me that I'm OK that I don't have any energy left to help myself. To try to take care of myself...
It's - for a lack of a better word - funny how I've developed like this alter ego, this other person who takes control and acts normal, happy even, while this other person is drowning and hurting so much they're close to giving up.
I don't know what to do. I've isolated myself and left no one to talk to. I stopped seeing T and can't see her without 4 or 5 weeks notice... C contacted me and I tried to reply to her email but I'm getting delivery failures. Even in the email to C, I lied. I said I'm OK. I don't know why I do that. I don't have a fucking clue. Why is it so hard for me to admit when I'm not OK, that I need help? And when I get help, and start to get comfortable enough to talk, I push them away?
I keep telling myself I'm OK.
I'm not. I'm not OK, not even close.
I keep welling up at work. I dig my nails into my palms to keep the tears away. Everything is getting to me, and I mean everything...
I want to spend the weekend in bed. I want to be alone, but being alone isn't the best thing for me. I know this, but I still want to be alone. I want everyone to just fade away so I can sink and keep sinking because there doesn't seem to be a bottom.
My whole body aches, I've had a never ending headache for days now. The whole trade bullshit and feeling betrayed is completely fueling all of these feelings. More wood on the fire.
I'm feeling suicidal again. I'm extremely embarrassed to even admit it.
I've put so much energy into trying to convince myself and everyone else around me that I'm OK that I don't have any energy left to help myself. To try to take care of myself...
It's - for a lack of a better word - funny how I've developed like this alter ego, this other person who takes control and acts normal, happy even, while this other person is drowning and hurting so much they're close to giving up.
I don't know what to do. I've isolated myself and left no one to talk to. I stopped seeing T and can't see her without 4 or 5 weeks notice... C contacted me and I tried to reply to her email but I'm getting delivery failures. Even in the email to C, I lied. I said I'm OK. I don't know why I do that. I don't have a fucking clue. Why is it so hard for me to admit when I'm not OK, that I need help? And when I get help, and start to get comfortable enough to talk, I push them away?
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Friday, February 16, 2007
Odd
Well, I survived! Yay for me... and everyone else who makes it through the battle. Gold stars all around!
It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, it usually never is. The day came and went like any other. It was the day after and today that are proving to be a big struggle.
I'm feeling... I don't know. It's kind of like I'm just going through the motions of a living person, but not living. Taking each breath but not breathing.
I'm having a hard time concentrating and trying to write. My thoughts are all over the place.
I think I miss T and C but won't admit it. OK, yeah, I miss them. But at the same time I don't. I'm becoming the person I was, the person I know, whom I comfortable with. The one who doesn't have feelings, who doesn't really give a fuck what happens...
Fuck.
I don't even know what I'm doing anymore
It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, it usually never is. The day came and went like any other. It was the day after and today that are proving to be a big struggle.
I'm feeling... I don't know. It's kind of like I'm just going through the motions of a living person, but not living. Taking each breath but not breathing.
I'm having a hard time concentrating and trying to write. My thoughts are all over the place.
I think I miss T and C but won't admit it. OK, yeah, I miss them. But at the same time I don't. I'm becoming the person I was, the person I know, whom I comfortable with. The one who doesn't have feelings, who doesn't really give a fuck what happens...
Fuck.
I don't even know what I'm doing anymore
Sunday, February 04, 2007
The dreaded day
Is fast approaching...
I find myself having spells of terrible sadness and my eyes start to tear up at, of course, the worst possible times. I was at work the first time, and I couldn't hold it in, I spent a good ten minutes in the bathroom trying to pull myself together enough to go back to my desk. Brutal.
We finally took down the Christmas tree yesterday, it was downstairs in the room where it happened. I had been avoiding that space, but really, it's February and it's time the damn thing was put away. I told my boyfriend we should just cover it with a blanket or a bag to save time next Christmas!! Unfortunately, he didn't go for that idea...
We're not doing the whole Valentines Day deal on Valentines. I told him I hate that day.. he said that hurts him because it's different now... he just doesn't understand, but that's OK because he doesn't have to, so we're going out for a romantic dinner that weekend instead.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do this year to try to make the day easier. I have a doctors appointment that afternoon so I'm leaving work 3 hours early. I think I'm going to get some good ice cream and chocolate fudge and make a kick ass sundae and go for a soak in the jacuzzi to relax and be by myself for a while so if I need to cry or just sit there staring off into space I can.
It's been a little over three weeks now without any therapy sessions and I'm kind of happy to report that I don't really miss it. I think this break is good for me as it had been almost two straight years of talking and healing. I will go back, I've made arrangements with T to go back when I'm ready and it's still OK to email her or call her if I need to. The support is still there, but I'm not using it. That's my choice. I'm focusing on just living, enjoying what I have in the moment and thinking about my... our future.
I guess at the same time I'm testing myself to see if I really can handle things on my own with all of the new skills I've learned.
And I've got something to look forward to! We're going to one of the most beautiful places on earth in April for Easter. Mica Mountain Lodge. It's amazing. I feel so at ease and peaceful when I'm there. Content. We spent one night there last Easter, and we absolutely loved it. This year we have the whole weekend. I can't wait to get out and go hiking and exploring in the mountains. Watch the sun set and rise over the jagged peaks... the birds singing... the sound of the wind rustling through the trees... If I close my eyes I can see it and I can feel the peace wash over me... these are the things that make the dreaded day more easy to bear.
If I hold on to that it will be OK...
I WILL BE OK
I find myself having spells of terrible sadness and my eyes start to tear up at, of course, the worst possible times. I was at work the first time, and I couldn't hold it in, I spent a good ten minutes in the bathroom trying to pull myself together enough to go back to my desk. Brutal.
We finally took down the Christmas tree yesterday, it was downstairs in the room where it happened. I had been avoiding that space, but really, it's February and it's time the damn thing was put away. I told my boyfriend we should just cover it with a blanket or a bag to save time next Christmas!! Unfortunately, he didn't go for that idea...
We're not doing the whole Valentines Day deal on Valentines. I told him I hate that day.. he said that hurts him because it's different now... he just doesn't understand, but that's OK because he doesn't have to, so we're going out for a romantic dinner that weekend instead.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do this year to try to make the day easier. I have a doctors appointment that afternoon so I'm leaving work 3 hours early. I think I'm going to get some good ice cream and chocolate fudge and make a kick ass sundae and go for a soak in the jacuzzi to relax and be by myself for a while so if I need to cry or just sit there staring off into space I can.
It's been a little over three weeks now without any therapy sessions and I'm kind of happy to report that I don't really miss it. I think this break is good for me as it had been almost two straight years of talking and healing. I will go back, I've made arrangements with T to go back when I'm ready and it's still OK to email her or call her if I need to. The support is still there, but I'm not using it. That's my choice. I'm focusing on just living, enjoying what I have in the moment and thinking about my... our future.
I guess at the same time I'm testing myself to see if I really can handle things on my own with all of the new skills I've learned.
And I've got something to look forward to! We're going to one of the most beautiful places on earth in April for Easter. Mica Mountain Lodge. It's amazing. I feel so at ease and peaceful when I'm there. Content. We spent one night there last Easter, and we absolutely loved it. This year we have the whole weekend. I can't wait to get out and go hiking and exploring in the mountains. Watch the sun set and rise over the jagged peaks... the birds singing... the sound of the wind rustling through the trees... If I close my eyes I can see it and I can feel the peace wash over me... these are the things that make the dreaded day more easy to bear.
If I hold on to that it will be OK...
I WILL BE OK
Friday, January 26, 2007
Some Changes
Today I made a decision that's left me sad, anxious, scared and oddly lonely.
I told T that I wanted to take a break and stop our sessions for a while.
I had been thinking about doing that since our last session when I didn't really have anything to talk about. And the main driving force is that I really can't afford it right now, which in and of itself is sad.
I'm a firm believer that your mental health impacts your physical health and vise-verse. So that being said, I believe that mental health care should also be covered by public health...
Anyway, I'm just rambling...
I also did something on Wednesday I haven't done in months, almost a year I think.
My boyfriend and I got in an insanely huge argument and almost broke up... we were right in a heated screaming match when he said "why can't you accept that there are decent men in this world and that I'm one of them?" I lost it and started crying saying "How can I" as I looked over at the couch in the basement and saw Byron pinning me I turned around and walked out of the room and went and sat in the dark in another room in the basement and just cried. There was so much pain and anger in me it felt like I was going to explode... break into a million shattered pieces... I was hyperventilating I was crying so hard, I didn't know what to do...
I burned myself.
I had forgotten what it felt like, how all of those feelings were almost instantly erased and this calm just washed over me. I held the cigarette to arm for a good 10 to 15 seconds and I watched as it burnt my skin... I was filled with a strange sense of satisfaction.
I know what I did was wrong and I know I hurt myself in more ways than just physically, but I also understand that I did what I could in the moment. I'm not beating myself up for slipping, I'm actually able to provide myself with some empathy because I'm allowing myself to "see" why I slipped...
It's all so confusing sometimes...
I told T that I wanted to take a break and stop our sessions for a while.
I had been thinking about doing that since our last session when I didn't really have anything to talk about. And the main driving force is that I really can't afford it right now, which in and of itself is sad.
I'm a firm believer that your mental health impacts your physical health and vise-verse. So that being said, I believe that mental health care should also be covered by public health...
Anyway, I'm just rambling...
I also did something on Wednesday I haven't done in months, almost a year I think.
My boyfriend and I got in an insanely huge argument and almost broke up... we were right in a heated screaming match when he said "why can't you accept that there are decent men in this world and that I'm one of them?" I lost it and started crying saying "How can I" as I looked over at the couch in the basement and saw Byron pinning me I turned around and walked out of the room and went and sat in the dark in another room in the basement and just cried. There was so much pain and anger in me it felt like I was going to explode... break into a million shattered pieces... I was hyperventilating I was crying so hard, I didn't know what to do...
I burned myself.
I had forgotten what it felt like, how all of those feelings were almost instantly erased and this calm just washed over me. I held the cigarette to arm for a good 10 to 15 seconds and I watched as it burnt my skin... I was filled with a strange sense of satisfaction.
I know what I did was wrong and I know I hurt myself in more ways than just physically, but I also understand that I did what I could in the moment. I'm not beating myself up for slipping, I'm actually able to provide myself with some empathy because I'm allowing myself to "see" why I slipped...
It's all so confusing sometimes...
Thursday, January 04, 2007
I'm back...
It's been such a long time since I've written anything I don't know where to start. I have been wanting to write, but being away so long this feels somewhat foreign to me now... it's like I'm forcing myself to come here and write about my feelings... it's been a long time since I've been really honest with myself or C or T about how I've really been. I feel like a fraud trying to be honest now.
Sigh.
Sometimes, I just don't get it.
Sometimes I'm so angry and filled with rage I'm scared I'm going to lash out at some unsuspecting, undeserving person and just scream my bloody head off. Or worst, cause physical harm.
That's my biggest worry... how long can I control this anger that is boiling in me? How long before I do explode into a fit of rage and hurt someone?
Don't get me wrong, I'm not a maniac or a rageaholic... just someone who is incredibly angry. ALL THE TIME.
Coupled with the anger is an immense amount of sadness. I walk around every day holding it all in. Putting on the happy face at work, laughing and smiling... I was told the other day by a co-worker that I'm the happiest person they've ever met!! I laughed my ass off and thought "God, I'm good!!"
How wrong is that? How horrible is it that people don't really know me? Sure, it's just a co-worker, but with the facade I keep 24/7, does anyone really know me? Do I even know myself?
One of the reasons I stopped writing was because I'm sick of writing about the same things all the time...
"I'm so sad... I hurt so much... "
I'm just plain sick of it. I'm really doing nothing but whining and complaining about how shitty my life is... when really, asides from the past, there's nothing overly shitty about it. My present and my future are bright, I know this. Yet my past is overshadowing, drowning my present. Even worse, my future. It's one big frustrating circle...
And my one wish... always the same.
I wish I had a magic wand, a genie, anything that would wipe away my past. Anything to destroy it.
Hmmmm... I wonder if I could get hypnotized and they could wipe my memory clean from around the age of 24 or so... delete the abuse, rape, ex-husband. All of it...
How severe of a head injury would I need to sustain to get amnesia and forget my entire life?
If that happened would I be better off?
Sadly, I don't think so.
There's a part of me that is grateful for my past... I don't think I'd be even remotely close to the person I am today without those experiences, however traumatizing they were.
I realize I'm rambling about nothing in particular... once I started typing the thoughts just started flowing and it feels more natural now.
I'm glad to be back. Thanks for reading...
Sigh.
Sometimes, I just don't get it.
Sometimes I'm so angry and filled with rage I'm scared I'm going to lash out at some unsuspecting, undeserving person and just scream my bloody head off. Or worst, cause physical harm.
That's my biggest worry... how long can I control this anger that is boiling in me? How long before I do explode into a fit of rage and hurt someone?
Don't get me wrong, I'm not a maniac or a rageaholic... just someone who is incredibly angry. ALL THE TIME.
Coupled with the anger is an immense amount of sadness. I walk around every day holding it all in. Putting on the happy face at work, laughing and smiling... I was told the other day by a co-worker that I'm the happiest person they've ever met!! I laughed my ass off and thought "God, I'm good!!"
How wrong is that? How horrible is it that people don't really know me? Sure, it's just a co-worker, but with the facade I keep 24/7, does anyone really know me? Do I even know myself?
One of the reasons I stopped writing was because I'm sick of writing about the same things all the time...
"I'm so sad... I hurt so much... "
I'm just plain sick of it. I'm really doing nothing but whining and complaining about how shitty my life is... when really, asides from the past, there's nothing overly shitty about it. My present and my future are bright, I know this. Yet my past is overshadowing, drowning my present. Even worse, my future. It's one big frustrating circle...
And my one wish... always the same.
I wish I had a magic wand, a genie, anything that would wipe away my past. Anything to destroy it.
Hmmmm... I wonder if I could get hypnotized and they could wipe my memory clean from around the age of 24 or so... delete the abuse, rape, ex-husband. All of it...
How severe of a head injury would I need to sustain to get amnesia and forget my entire life?
If that happened would I be better off?
Sadly, I don't think so.
There's a part of me that is grateful for my past... I don't think I'd be even remotely close to the person I am today without those experiences, however traumatizing they were.
I realize I'm rambling about nothing in particular... once I started typing the thoughts just started flowing and it feels more natural now.
I'm glad to be back. Thanks for reading...
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