Monday, May 14, 2007

Light Duty

I've lost my mind. I am extremely stressed out. By the time Friday rolls around I'm a complete mess. My temper is rearing it's ugly head. I can't sit still. I can't sleep. I stare blindly at the television. I'm developing twitches in my eyes and fingers.

I've lost it.

I missed 3 and half days of work in the past 2 weeks. I left this past Friday on the verge of tears and an tantrum. When I wanted to thrown my phone across the office I decided I had better leave. I wanted to pack a bag, take my dogs and just leave, start fresh some where else.

My manager pulled me into a meeting this morning. I told him I am extremely stressed and I can't handle this job on top of personal things I'm dealing with. He said he could put me on light duty because they don't want to loose me. I agreed. I had no other choice really, either keep working and live or quit and lose everything. My manager then told me that this job isn't worth my health and they'll do everything they can to help me... bullshit! It's this job that is breaking me down, putting my stress over the edge. I can't go into much detail, but the contract is over July 31 and they have guaranteed all of us jobs, but doing what is the question. They have offered training and such but with no details. I have no idea where I will be at the end of July. I can't handle that, I need to know. I need that stability. I've asked many many times but they go in circles. I've stopped asking.

I want out of this city. The cost of living is skyrocketing but wages aren't increasing. Correction, they're increasing if you're in the oil industry or a rig pig. For starters, it's a boy's club... don't have a penis, you can't play. It's 2007 and that's still an issue. I won't even go into how much that pisses me off because I'm able bodied, I can do ANY work any damn man could... anyway, I'm slowly sinking financially. Every month it's getting a little bit worse. The city now plans to increase residential property taxes by another 10% after a 7% hike in December, yet they are giving a commercial property tax break, lifting the tax levies on businesses and have the gull to tell everyone that they can't afford to fill all the pot holes!!! I hate this fucking place... and to top it off, the city was just named the Murder Capital of Canada!!!!

Time to move?? Uh yeah...

My father is moving to BC - thank fucking god! I've seen him a lot lately, more than I see him in a year in the past few weeks. I get the pleasure of seeing him tomorrow after work... that's just fucking killing me. He slapped my ass with a shoe horn the last time I saw him. I almost jumped out of my skin, but did I say anything? Nope! Not a damn thing, little me just cowers away and then beats myself up for days after. Him moving to BC has thwarted my plans... I want to move to BC. And we are actually talking about it. The housing market here is retarded, the average cost of a single family home is well over $400 000 - the place I want to move to is about $150 000. I've found a couple places I'd like to work there as well - get out of IT and go back in Hotel Management, something I actually enjoyed. My mother, my boyfriend and I are looking at houses there as well. We've found a couple we like and are going to drive out and take a look in person, probably this weekend. It's time to get out of this shitty city and start new. If we can sell this house, take the cash buy a new house out right, pay off all of the bills and still have 100 grand to play with we'll be laughing... and of course I can get out of this house where I was abused and raped... oh how much better it would be.

I'm just rambling, but I've been holding this in and am on the verge of completely snapping...

I see my doctor on the 17th - asking for an increase in my meds. Originally I was going to ask for short term disability, but with light duty I might be able to last until the end of July...

Did I mention I feel like crying all the damn time?
I've been having thoughts of suicide again... while walking through the 4th of a building downtown I imagined jumping...
I want to self harm like fucking crazy because I know I will feel better, at least temporarily...
I tried to contact T but she's moved to BC too (anyone see a trend here?) and referred me to someone else but I can't work up the courage to call... I don't really even want to, but I was in a crisis last week and I think I still kind of am...

My mind just won't stop...

11 comments:

DivineLavender said...

Hi, I am Divine Lavender.

I have missed three days of the last seven days of work. I am in deep depression and my job is toxic. I am an American black woman and in many ways feel like I am still on a Slave Ship...but in this century we call it a "career". I have asked for an increase in my meds and will explore a bit of short term disability maybe for this summer. My mental health is just as important as my physical and what is worst that I don't get he same support.


I dare not to ever go to my supervisor for support. That would be the end of me. They would use my blackness, depression, and womanist all against me-double time.


I am with you in this lonely place. I really am!

Enola said...

{hugs} I am so sorry you are having a rough time. I am glad that your supervisor is working with you. I pray that you will be able to make decisions about the move and other big decisions.

Dr. Deb said...

thinking of you and sending you my thoughts for healing and peace.

jumpinginpuddles said...

we hope you can call the T soon and get an appointment and you cna get some rest and support also.

Ani Star said...

Hey, I'm Ani. I wanted to let you know that I've added a link to your site onto the side bar of my own. As a survivor I'm trying to connect with as many other survivors as I can, such as yourself. My main blog is at http://withdissonance.net if you want to check it out. If its okay with you, could I add a link to your blog there also? If you'd like you can add a link to either of my blogs here. Thanks so much.

~ Ani

Wanda's Wings said...

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. It's good that your supervisor is working with you and giving you some time to work this all out. Please take care of yourself.

Marj aka Thriver said...

((((safe hugs)))))I'm glad your boss gave you the option of light duty--obviously values you. I'm just stopping by to say I'm thinking of youand sending you healing vibes.

jumpinginpuddles said...

just hugging from afar

Cheesemeister said...

Sorry I wasn't here when this was going on. I sometimes hide in the darkness and then I feel like such a loser when I see I could have supported somebody. I hope this has gotten better. I really do send best wishes.

Shyguy said...

I am hurt to read that you are tending toward the thoughts of suicide. I hope you can find hope in your life after reading the stories I wrote on my blog site. A victim should not always think and worry about other victims. I am not a victim of the society in any way. You can find meaning in your life and shape your imaginations once you read my blogs and start emailing me. I am looking for good friends. Share anything you feel like. I am here to please you with my words and make you see a different world out there. I am a writer. I am bringing out 12 books in 2008. Currently they are at editing level by me. Ten out of them are my personal diaries. The journey of an admirer of beauty in pursuit of love with girls and their rejection and the related suffering underwent by me can be seen in it. I don't say I am a victim because nobody abused me in any way. Please do email me at the earliest. If you want to feel the healing touch of a dreamer in words, you can consider me. I was disappointed after reading that you got a boyfriend. I would have begged you for that position in your life if that post is lying vacant now.

Datla Chiranjeevi Raju,
Hyderabad, India.

jay herron said...

I understand the way you feel...good thing for me ( or,is it?) that there are no buildings taller than one story where I live.
Unfortunantly I have made this promise I would never jump or shoot or hang or drug myself to death...tough promise to want to 'live' by.
I do do a practice I call 'damage control'...where I damage with out control. Sometimes I can manage it for a long long time-as I hate it so,but recently my therapist has been 'pulled' from me (at the VA hospital-veterans!) and to manage like this is very hard...
I stumbled onto this last night-
my body wants to leave
my head wants to go with it
my heart wants to try somemore
but I just dont know that it can take it...(written by-almost a survivor)
I'm trying my hardest to stand up-but danmed if my knees are'nt beginning to buckle.
Thankfully I am poor and live so far out in the middle of no where the only one I could hurt is me...but I'm trying my hardest to keep my damage control under control!
I read what you are saying-to be in a penis club does not make any difference,at least-it does'nt for me.