Saturday, August 18, 2007

well...

You all are right I think.

I don't think it's possible to heal 100%. Every experience, good or bad, leaves a mark on us and that mark stays forever. I believe it's how we deal with those marks that impacts us in the long run.

I let this control my life for so long and I guess without knowing it, I decided not to let it. I fully expect to be in bad places again, I expect to have nightmares and flashbacks again at some point in time. What I don't expect is that I'll be back where I once was, to the deepest depths of despair, practicing SI or thinking about suicide.

I've been thinking about this a lot and I fully believe I am prepared to handle a flashback or a terrifying nightmare because I have the tools to handle it. I know how to bring myself back and remind myself that he can't hurt me now. I can listen and believe myself when I repeat over and over in my head that it's OK, I'm OK and I will be OK.

It's strange... it's like this switch was flipped in my head and I understand myself better than I ever have. I can also toot my own horn and look at the strength and the courage it took to get here.

Life isn't all roses, sometimes we get shit on by elephants but after time the stink fades...

9 comments:

Enola said...

I've read your blog off and on for awhile yet. What do you think was the key for you in getting to the place you are at? What advice do you have to those of us still struggling?

Wanda's Wings said...

I'm proud of you! Thanks for sharing to help us along the way.

Patricia Singleton said...

Awareness is the starting place for recovery. It is important to give yourself credit for the courage that you have to survive each day. It takes courage to speak out, to write this blog, to just get up some mornings. Look in the mirror and tell yourself you are a beutiful, courageous person. Reach out to others for support. Talk about what happened to you and then talk some more. Healing starts when we break the silence. I just wrote my own article about breaking the silence and the secrets that I lived with as a child and incest survivor.

Laurel said...

I do believe 100% healing is possible, but I don't think 'healing' is about acheiving some state that's anything close to 'like it never happened.'

Hazel said...

Congrats, you've passed a milestone on your journey.

I'm so very happy you found that internal switch and have started to self comfort yourself.

I too have come to a place not so long ago where I can now allow the flashbacks to wash over me, knowing this too will pass. It gets easier each time now, where before it was just constant hell.

I'm so full of happiness for you at this moment!

Take good care.
Hazel.

Cheesemeister said...

I guess that's the best we can expect is to be able to handle things. Its like these doctors that try to turn a person with a mental disorder asymptomatic. We can never be asymptomatic. There are some things that can turn down the intensity of the symptoms but nothing can really make them go away.
It sounds like you are in a stronger place and that is good.

Dr. Deb said...

I never tell anyone that healing means there won't be difficulties. I don't like the word "cure" as it implies that everything goes away.

I think it is just wonderful that you feel more mastery and have tools to deal with the flashbacks. THAT is something to feel very proud about.

Rising Rainbow said...

I believe that 100% healing is possible too. However, that doesn't mean that you can ever go back to the way things were before, it means being happy and healthy, dealing with what life throws at you without getting pushed back into old destructive patterns. It can be done.

Caroline said...

yeah, I really couldn't agree with you more on this one. It does leave an unremovable mark, and it's only in your power to choose how to deal with that mark. yeah, you can heal, but there will always be...if even the minutest way...the memory, or the feeling. Still you can be a better person for it, and you can find your happiness away from that circumstance. I guess then, maybe it depends on what the word healing means to you?
-Caroline