Saturday, August 18, 2007

well...

You all are right I think.

I don't think it's possible to heal 100%. Every experience, good or bad, leaves a mark on us and that mark stays forever. I believe it's how we deal with those marks that impacts us in the long run.

I let this control my life for so long and I guess without knowing it, I decided not to let it. I fully expect to be in bad places again, I expect to have nightmares and flashbacks again at some point in time. What I don't expect is that I'll be back where I once was, to the deepest depths of despair, practicing SI or thinking about suicide.

I've been thinking about this a lot and I fully believe I am prepared to handle a flashback or a terrifying nightmare because I have the tools to handle it. I know how to bring myself back and remind myself that he can't hurt me now. I can listen and believe myself when I repeat over and over in my head that it's OK, I'm OK and I will be OK.

It's strange... it's like this switch was flipped in my head and I understand myself better than I ever have. I can also toot my own horn and look at the strength and the courage it took to get here.

Life isn't all roses, sometimes we get shit on by elephants but after time the stink fades...