Thursday, February 23, 2006

Wake me up when this nightmare is over

Had a session with my counsellor yesterday. It was a really good session, we covered some vital parts... and came to make a decision that has me all freaked out!

I'm going to talk to my friend who told me to be a big girl, forget about it, move on.

I'm not one for confrontation or being assertive with men. I have no problem being assertive with women, with men, it's a different story. I can't express what I want or need, I let them do whatever they want, treat me however they want, anything - it's my normal and I don't like it. I hate it actually. But I'm terrified to change...

I'm terrified to be vulnerable - so easily hurt.
I'm terrified to change - but terrified not to.
I'm afraid to take risks - can't bear not to.
I'm scared to be alone - but want to be.

So I emailed him the article and apologized for being moody and irritable lately but explained that that is just me right now, part of everything that I am going through. I told him that it really hurt when he said I'm a big girl now and should forget and move on.

Waiting for his reply is driving me insane.

This is another big step for me. Confrontation, in a sense, but more so standing up for myself and taking action against someone who hurt me, especially a man.

Embracing change...



The Missing Link said...

Oh, Dear Survivor:

How I wish I could make it all go away for you. I wish I had an eraser for Life and her evil, evil ways. I so badly yearn to shove that eraser down her throat when MY horrible and unbearable past makes my insides melt out of me. Abused and raped, never really belonging anywhere, but always fitting in wherever I went... Everything has a catch 22, everyone has a dark side, I am a walking contradiction. Validation, acceptance, love, faith - all of these are things I fear almost more than my rapist... all of these are things he stole from me. And I need them back to feel this life again. And you need to feel your life again, too. I know it is oh so hard, and oh so draining. But if we don't give ourselves this second chance at happiness - after it has always been ripped away from us - then we have let our abusers beat us... again... literally.

I am so grateful for finding your website and will continue to visit it always. You are in my thoughts, Dear Survivor.

My life isn't a problem, it is a process... this is my mantra.

Continue to heal. Slowly but surely, the pain will lessen and life within in will be reborn.

We are in a cocoon, waiting to erupt into a safe, happy and loving world again.

Write me anytime. Much love -

Marj aka Thriver said...

Ahhh, assertiveness! And confrontation! I started working on these issues of mine even before I recovered my memories of CSA. I still find them challenging. Good luck to you in your assertiveness journey. Keep on working at it. You ARE getting somewhere... and you're an inspiration!

Holly said...

Dear Suvivor,
Glad to read this wonderful news, I am so proud of the courage your showing. Just proves you are healing, surviving, moving on one day at a time. Be calm during the wait. I wish you all the best. I hope this person will understand, your personal story of surviving the odds. Take care, chat soon Holly

survivor said...

ML - reading your words is like reading my own. Life is a process, how true that is!

survivor said...


Glad you're finding my blog to be an inspiration to you. That is the purpose of my writing, to let others know they are not alone (or crazy as I often feel) with their thoughts or feelings. Thanks for the encouragement! Take good care of you...

survivor said...

Holly! Drop me an email friend... do something for yourself this weekend!

Holly said...

Hi Survivor,
I will do something for myself this week, getting my hair done! LOL, just deciding about if I will have highlights.
I will keep you posted and email soon. If all I had to worry about was only my hair.