Sunday, February 12, 2006

Rape - Part 2

[Rape - Part 1]

I tried to get away from him. I tried to twist and squirm; kick and push - nothing I did seemed good enough. He straddled me and had my arms pinned above my head. He was looking at me with this twisted smile, a far away look in his eyes. I gave one last kick and managed to knee him in the crotch. He crumpled on top of me and I managed to flip myself over so I was free, I tried to scramble away, my body not really listening to the signal my brain was sending, RUN! I was a few feet away from him when he reached out and grabbed my ankle, pulling me back to him. He pinned me down with his knees on my chest and punched me in the face, calling me a bitch.

I can see the look on his face. I can see the anger, but I can also see a softness. I can see him above me, almost feel his knees on my chest. His mouth is angry, ready and waiting to spew ugliness. His eyes have that far away look, like he's daydreaming, not really there. I remember his smile as he undid his belt. There was a sick loving smile and softness in his eyes as he started to violate me...

I hate you.


Marj aka Thriver said...

Survivor: I've been reading your posts and am really moved by your story. I can relate to quite a bit. I also experienced "date rape" after a history of being sexually abused by my father. I was also terrified of sex and waited (I was not the virgin I had thought I was, however, because I got actual rape memories later). The anger at these predators who prey on survivors who've already been so seriously hurt--it's hard to describe. I am so glad, Survivor, that you are getting your anger out and not turning it in on yourself with depression. You are strong!

Holly said...

Dear Survivor,
I wanted to let you know, I remember anger, fear, fear so scary you could not move. The look in the eyes of my rapist is one I wish I could forget. I have learned to understand I may not forget that look. I know you understand what I am saying, your still brave and surviving! Take care my friend! Be kind to you on the days you share your heart!

Holly said...

Dear Survivor,

survivor said...

Hi Marj,

Thanks for your comments.

I'm so very sorry for your experiences.

I've been to your blog and would like to link to it.

I do suffer from depression and have a myriad of other symptons I haven't even begun to address with my counsellor.

Take care of you!

survivor said...

Hey Holly!

Yes, the look in his eyes I will never forget. Or the fear. I'm waiting for the day that these are just memories and nothing more (I hope that's possible)

Thanks for the boost :o)

Glad you like the changes I made!

Take care and talk to you soon.