Monday, February 13, 2006

Rape - Part 3

[Rape - Part 1] [Rape - Part 2]

He forced his penis into my mouth. It made me gag. He ejaculated. He clawed at my shirt and bra, ripping them off. He bit me so hard in places he broke the skin. Silent tears streamed down my face. I prayed for this to be over soon, for him to leave me alone. To stop hurting me.

He forced himself into me. Red hot searing pain. A muffled groan of pain escaped my lips. He was pawing at me, kissing my neck when he whispered in my ear, "you know you like it." I closed my eyes and it felt like I floated out of my body. I was suspended above, watching him hurt this person who wasn't me, who couldn't be me. I opened my eyes and I was back in hell, back in my body. He let go of my arms and I just lied there, unable to move, the tears being the only function still working. He finished and sunk onto me panting in my ear. I turned my head and silently wished the world away. He got up and zipped up his jeans. He stood there staring at me for what felt like an eternity. His eyes cold and empty. He leaned down, kissed my check and whispered "I love you." I heard him make his way upstairs and waited for the door to close behind him. An animal scream erupted from my very core and I rolled over into the fetal position and just sobbed.

The rage boiled in me and erupted. I screamed "I want to die" and started punching my legs and chest. I grabbed a pillow and ripped it apart, all the while the tears were just raging down my cheeks. I repeated over and over "I hate you... I hate you" I knelt on the floor with my head in my hands rocking back and forth whispering I hate you as if in a trance. I'm not sure if the hatred was directed at him or myself. I finally got up and went to the bathroom, I looked at myself in the full length mirror and collapsed on the floor. I had a black eye and a fat lip, there were teeth marks with remnants of blood on my chest. I couldn't bear to look at myself and wanted to destroy the mirror, in essence destroying myself. I got up and took a shower. A boiling hot shower. The water burned as it hit my skin, but it still wasn't hot enough. I scrubbed and scrubbed trying to remove his filth. I stayed in the shower just staring at the wall, off in my own world. I'm not sure how long I stood there but I came back to earth shivering from the ice cold water.

I walked to my bedroom and collapsed on my bed. I started sucking my thumb and the tears just started falling again.

Tomorrow marks seven years. Seven years since he raped me. Seven years I've been carrying this around, six of them I remained silent and told no one.

I have been dreading Valentines Day since December. I'm hoping that by writing this out, by getting it out, tomorrow isn't going to hold as much power over me as it normally does...

6 comments:

Shawn said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
bubba35 said...

First of all ignore that "Shawn" guy on here. I checked out his blog and you did not need to waste your time on that.
What can I? My heart goes out to you. I just wish I could take away that pain for you. It is a process and it does take time.

Holly said...

Dear Survivor,
You amaze me every time I read a post from you! I know your working so hard in dealing with the abuse. I truly today am so proud of you for having so much courage to share your story. Take care and be kind to you! A friend says HEALING AND SURVIVING!

survivor said...

Bubba,

Thanks for the support! :o)

survivor said...

Holly!

You have this knack for saying the perfect things at the perfect times!

HEALING AND SURVIVING!

You go girl!!!

Charlie said...

I randomly stumbled onto your blog by pressing the next blog button on the top of my page. Reading your account felt a bit like reading literature, not in the sense of its reality (having occurred), but in the expressiveness of the language and the raw emotion rife within the words.

I do not have any words to offer that should provide comfort, and my words may never be read by you. Nevertheless, I do feel a compulsion to provide whatever degree of support an anonymous blogger can provide. I am sorry for the actions that disturbed people have taken. I am appalled that people like this exist. Although I do not know you, I would like to use a blowtorch and a pair of pliers on these individuals, as I find violence against women and children abhorrent. I pray that you find peace and strength.

That's really all I've got. You have survived, and that's a testament to you. Keep surviving.