Thursday, February 09, 2006

Rape - Part 1

I was 18. He was introduced to me by a friend of mine. He was a friend of a friend. We met in a bar. He kept looking at me and smiling. I asked my friend who he was so she introduced us. I thought he was cute, he had a nice smile.

Things started out OK. He was really clingy and wanted to spend every second with me, and if he wasn't with me he wanted to know where I was. The alarms should have gone off, but honestly, I liked the attention.

I had the house to myself for Valentines Day, my Mom was at our cabin. I invited him over to watch movies and cuddle by the fire in the basement. He came over with a single red rose and a little teddy bear that had a heart on it with I LUV U written on the heart. This kind of creeped me out as this was our fourth date and we'd only known each for a week or two at this point. I pushed that out of my mind. You see, the only attention I got from males growing up was the abuse from my father. I had dated a lot of boys in junior and high school but none lasted for more than a few weeks. I was really enjoying the fact that here was this guy claiming he loved me. I loved that.

We went downstairs and I turned the fireplace on, popped in one of my favorite movies (which I now hate) When a Man Loves a Woman, and we sat on the couch, cuddling. We started kissing and his hand started going up my shirt. - I was terrified of being touched by men. I still am sometimes. I was also a virgin. My father did not penetrate me with his penis, just objects. I was so afraid of sex that I avoided it, hence the reason my high school relationships did not last long. As soon as they mentioned sex I broke up with them. - I asked him to please stop, no under the clothes touching. He said OK. We went back to watching the movie, and we started kissing again. He kept all his touching above clothes and we made out for a while until he tried to go up my shirt again, I asked him to please stop. He did. We went back to watching the movie and he started kissing my neck and groping me, I felt him get an erection. I got a flash of my father and could taste his penis in my mouth, I pushed him away and told him to stop, that we should just watch the movie. He grabbed me and told me it was too late, "it's too late, I can't stop now"

I can still hear those words. I can remember the terror that rushed over me and paralyzed me. I can remember the breath being sucked out of me like I was just kicked in the stomach. I can still see the crazy look in his eyes as his pinned my arms above my head. I can still hear his grunts and his cursing as he struggled to undo my jeans. I can feel that terror as I write this, my body is beginning to shake...

4 comments:

Holly said...

Dear Survivor,
I can only say your brave to tell part 1 of your story of rape! I can not say I know what you feel, I can say I understand, hope one day the fear will not be as difficult. I remember my fear, terror also. Take care brave one!

survivor said...

Holly,
I'm very sad that you can say that you understand, but comforted at the same time. You thinking I'm brave is astonishing, especially after your fight for justice!! ((((holly))))

Holly said...

Hi Survivor,
I did not want you to be sad, your feelings still are important. Validation! You put personal experiences on the line in your blog, that to me is a sign of courage. You have that courage.
You have a voice, your using it. You are a brave one survivor, check out my site later today! Take care from one survivor to another.

survivor said...

Holly,

You're an amazing woman!

Thank you...