No means no... right? No matter the situation, no matter if you are married, no means no. A marriage license is not a sex license. A marriage license is not a hit until I scream license.
Amazingly enough, I did not know this. Not all of it anyway.
I knew it was wrong when my ex husband broke my jaw, when he broke my elbow, when he ruptured my ear drum, when he threatened me with a gun, when he would take my keys and wallet so I was stranded. I knew it was wrong... yet I did nothing about it. I just stayed and took it.
Today I realized that when he forced himself on me after I said no he was actually raping me. He was doing to me what had been done to me in my childhood and later on as an adult. I don't know why I didn't realize he was raping me. I thought it was his right, he was my husband after all. We were married and married people have sex.
I guess in order to move forward I need to realize that those things happened in my past and that I cannot let them control my future. But they do. They control every aspect of my life. I do not trust people. I do not trust myself. I have a very limited emotional intelligence, I have difficulty expressing even the most basic of emotions. I keep everyone at a safe distance, I don't let them in. I isolate myself. I actually hate myself sometimes.
I blame myself for everything that has happened. I'm told that it's not my fault, that there is nothing I could have ever done to deserve this. I can't quite help thinking that it is my fault. Perhaps being molested as a little girl was not my fault, however being raped by a boyfriend, being raped and physically abused by my ex husband - that is my fault. I was an adult when this happened, an adult capable of taking care of myself.