Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Drained

"You're a rock -- the sturdy, steady heart of your family,
just like the Sun is the heart-center of our little corner of the galaxy.
So now, when someone you love has something on their mind
that they don't feel comfortable sharing with just anyone,
they'll be absolutely sure to come to you first --
and you'll be just as sure to go all out to help keep them on track."


I wish the above was true. Someone came to me today and needed my help. They needed me to pick them up, dust them off, pat them on the back and tell them everything is going to be OK.

I couldn't do it. I didn't have the energy to tell them anything. I offered my ear and my shoulder to cry on. I let them spew their anger, defeat and sorrow; but it hit the wall. For the first time in my life I couldn't pick someone up, I couldn't dust them off, give a reassuring pat on the back and tell them everything is going to be OK.

This saddens me.

I have always been the one to help everyone. I have always been the one to pick up the pieces and put them back them together. I have always been the one, no matter how broken I am, to do whatever it takes to make someone else feel good about themselves. I have always been the rock.

I couldn't tell her everything would be OK because I don't know that it will be. I couldn't pick her up or dust her off because I don't have the strength to bear her burdens.

I feel like a failure. I deserted a dear friend in her time of need, she came to me for what she has always gotten and I couldn't deliver. I could only listen.

I have never felt so exhausted. Mentally and physically drained. All I want to do is sleep, and sadly even that is beyond my reach. When I do sleep it is such a deep slumber that I wake up disoriented, confused as to my surroundings. I am normally very aware of my surroundings, hypervigiliance I am told. Someone can walk past my bedroom door and I am awake in an instant, watching the shadows to see if they pause, ready to enter. Now, in my deep sleep I hear nothing, I sense nothing. I am woken by a nightmare.

I am afraid to sleep.

2 comments:

Ayne said...

I'm probably so annoying with all my comments on each of your post, but this is how I feel sometimes. I'm a strong person inside, but I get weak, and lonely, and it's too much to carry sometimes. I just want to disappear at moments like these; I don't want others to talk to me, don't want them to tell me their problems, just want to be away from everyone and hide in a room...not wanting to carry anyone's burdens, not wanting to help..sadly, I've never been able to do so..I've been pushed around in ways that's beyond explaining

Fallen Rose said...

I have the same problem, and its with any event - happy or sad. I don't want to celebrate when it's someone's birthday, and I don't want to help when someone's mom is sick or they're going through some other negative event. I just have nothing to give emotionally, one way or the other.