Thursday, October 20, 2005


Today I took the plunge; I dove head on into the waters of vulnerability. I floundered here and there, sank in places but managed to float to the top. My lifeguard was there helping me stay afloat, but also letting me flounder. I needed to flounder; I needed to find my own way to the surface. My lifeguard didn't let me sink, always had a life jacket handy in case I needed it. I didn't need it, I found my own floatation device and I have my lifeguard to thank for that...

Enough metaphorical diarrhea!

I did something today I never thought possible. For the first time I shared something that was incredibly painful, intolerably shameful, embarrassing and so very personal. I shared a memory.

It is amazing how much power and control a memory can hold. It is truly astonishing how something as simple as talking can introduce a tiny fissure to commence the exoneration of that very power.

I am learning many things. I am learning to talk and I am learning to feel. Learning to feel and honoring that feeling for what it is is like learning a new language. You stumble and stutter over the simplest of words eventually learning how to say "Hi, it's nice to meet you!" Hearing and understanding the response is extraordinary. Discovering the connection to my feelings is incredible. There are no words to describe the glory it deserves.

Talking is also something that is profoundly new. I have always been a very quiet person, internalizing every thought and feeling, not having the tools or the knowledge to release them. I have been wanting, craving and yet denying the need to talk about my memories; my shame, my story.

Today I took the plunge.

I am proud of ME!

No comments: