Sleep - part 2

I slept.

I actually got a solid stretch of sleep.

I feel incredible!

I have energy again.

I slept for 9 hours straight. Plus a 3 hour nap prior.

I was getting desperate for sleep and was tempted to down a bunch of sleeping pills so I could sleep and stay asleep.

I lied in bed, flat out on my back with my eyes closed. I successfully cleared my mind by picturing me sitting on a beach at sunset listening to the sounds of the ocean.

I only hope I can do the same tonight.

Sleep

My mind will not stop which has been a real nuisance lately. It is incredibly exhausting to be continuously living sexual abuse.

My eyes are puffy with black circles. If I didn't know better, I'd think I was back with my husband and I was a human punching bag again. The exhaustion is getting worse. I want nothing more than sleep. Eight solid hours of sleep would be a Godsend right now. I don't think that is asking too much.

However I do know why I can't sleep. Nightmares. I don't know how to stop them.

I really wish I did.

All I want is sleep.

Dear Anonymous;

Please, if you need help, reach out. Reach out to me again if you need to.

Reach out to a trusted friend, teacher, member of your community. Anyone who you feel comfortable with, anyone who you trust.

There are many resources available to you. Please do not be afraid to use them. I have listed some very helpful resources on my site, maybe you can take a look and perhaps as a first step contact one of them.

I can understand and probably know how scared, alone, ashamed, embarrassed, dirty and disgusting you may feel. Please ask for help, I know it's hard and it's beyond terrifying, but you deserve to be helped. You DESERVE to be safe.

Drained

"You're a rock -- the sturdy, steady heart of your family,
just like the Sun is the heart-center of our little corner of the galaxy.
So now, when someone you love has something on their mind
that they don't feel comfortable sharing with just anyone,
they'll be absolutely sure to come to you first --
and you'll be just as sure to go all out to help keep them on track."

I wish the above was true. Someone came to me today and needed my help. They needed me to pick them up, dust them off, pat them on the back and tell them everything is going to be OK.

I couldn't do it. I didn't have the energy to tell them anything. I offered my ear and my shoulder to cry on. I let them spew their anger, defeat and sorrow; but it hit the wall. For the first time in my life I couldn't pick someone up, I couldn't dust them off, give a reassuring pat on the back and tell them everything is going to be OK.

This saddens me.

I have always been the one to help everyone. I have always been the one to pick up the pieces and put them back them together. I have always been the one, no matter how broken I am, to do whatever it takes to make someone else feel good about themselves. I have always been the rock.

I couldn't tell her everything would be OK because I don't know that it will be. I couldn't pick her up or dust her off because I don't have the strength to bear her burdens.

I feel like a failure. I deserted a dear friend in her time of need, she came to me for what she has always gotten and I couldn't deliver. I could only listen.

I have never felt so exhausted. Mentally and physically drained. All I want to do is sleep, and sadly even that is beyond my reach. When I do sleep it is such a deep slumber that I wake up disoriented, confused as to my surroundings. I am normally very aware of my surroundings, hypervigiliance I am told. Someone can walk past my bedroom door and I am awake in an instant, watching the shadows to see if they pause, ready to enter. Now, in my deep sleep I hear nothing, I sense nothing. I am woken by a nightmare.

I am afraid to sleep.

...

Anxiety. Fear.

Sadness. Emptiness. Raw. Scared.

Broken.

Shame.

Embarrassment. Disgust. Dirty. Hate.


The above is what is running through my mind like a bad slide show. It is coupled with some images which is fueling the above thoughts and feelings.

I'm visualizing pressing the stop button to end the show, but it is not working. Sometimes the slides move very quickly, as if on fast forward; other times it's on slow motion and I get to see every little detail I don't want to see.

I wish my mind was like a dry erase board... one swipe with the magic eraser and it's all gone...

Lost and Alone

The title says it all...

I consumed copious amounts of wine last night trying to squash the many thoughts and feelings that were surmounting and consuming me. It was a poor choice as I know how alcohol leaves me feeling in the wake of high consumption. I'm also confused as I do not know if it is the alcohol causing these feelings or if what I tried to kill is rushing to the surface ten fold.

I retract that; I do know. It is what I was trying to contain in a neat little box that is crushing me. The neat little box is no more; it is covered in vomited vulgarity, what I would describe as blood spewing from the corners and black filth rushing out the top.

Paints a pretty picture doesn't it?

The Aftermath

After much processing from yesterdays much celebrated accomplishment I have reached the conclusion that it was not an accomplishment.

Accomplishments generally leave a person feeling good, proud of themselves for overcoming their task and completing it.

Accomplishment:
"Something completed successfully; an achievement"

Granted, yesterday I was proud of myself. I was feeling very brave and strong for having shared the memory. Today however is another story!

The tomorrow I feared is here. I feel weak; I feel like a failure. Exactly where this is emanating from I do not know. Perhaps it is my inner critic taking over. That thought only enforces the feelings of failure. Perhaps I feel weak because I shared. For the first time I truly opened myself to vulnerability and although there were no negative ramifications at the time, I am feeling the effects of being told that I am disgusting and deserving of such treatment. Now this is where it gets nonsensical - no one has told me that. No one except perhaps the inner critic.

I believe the inner critic is winning.

Accomplishment

Today I took the plunge; I dove head on into the waters of vulnerability. I floundered here and there, sank in places but managed to float to the top. My lifeguard was there helping me stay afloat, but also letting me flounder. I needed to flounder; I needed to find my own way to the surface. My lifeguard didn't let me sink, always had a life jacket handy in case I needed it. I didn't need it, I found my own floatation device and I have my lifeguard to thank for that...

Enough metaphorical diarrhea!

I did something today I never thought possible. For the first time I shared something that was incredibly painful, intolerably shameful, embarrassing and so very personal. I shared a memory.

It is amazing how much power and control a memory can hold. It is truly astonishing how something as simple as talking can introduce a tiny fissure to commence the exoneration of that very power.

I am learning many things. I am learning to talk and I am learning to feel. Learning to feel and honoring that feeling for what it is is like learning a new language. You stumble and stutter over the simplest of words eventually learning how to say "Hi, it's nice to meet you!" Hearing and understanding the response is extraordinary. Discovering the connection to my feelings is incredible. There are no words to describe the glory it deserves.

Talking is also something that is profoundly new. I have always been a very quiet person, internalizing every thought and feeling, not having the tools or the knowledge to release them. I have been wanting, craving and yet denying the need to talk about my memories; my shame, my story.

Today I took the plunge.

I am proud of ME!

Because Of You - Kelly Clarkson

This song hits home in so many ways...

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

Tomorrows Blame

No matter how many times I hear it is not my fault and that I did nothing to deserve it, it does not matter. No matter how times I tell myself that it is not my fault and that I did nothing to deserve it, it does not matter.

Today, it is my fault. Tomorrow it may not be. Today is what matters, for I do not know what tomorrow holds.

I am terrified of tomorrow. Tomorrow could hold much sadness and pain. Tomorrow could be my failure and loss of strength. Tomorrow could be a day of new memories and flashbacks. Tomorrow could be a day of great trials.

Tomorrow I may blame my abusers. Tomorrow I may have a world of strength and courage. Tomorrow I may conquer a fear. Tomorrow I may not have a new memory or flashback. Tomorrow I may smile.

I blame tomorrow for what happens today for the tomorrow I fear may not come at all.

No Means No

No means no... right? No matter the situation, no matter if you are married, no means no. A marriage license is not a sex license. A marriage license is not a hit until I scream license.

Amazingly enough, I did not know this. Not all of it anyway.

I knew it was wrong when my ex husband broke my jaw, when he broke my elbow, when he ruptured my ear drum, when he threatened me with a gun, when he would take my keys and wallet so I was stranded. I knew it was wrong... yet I did nothing about it. I just stayed and took it.

Today I realized that when he forced himself on me after I said no he was actually raping me. He was doing to me what had been done to me in my childhood and later on as an adult. I don't know why I didn't realize he was raping me. I thought it was his right, he was my husband after all. We were married and married people have sex.

Consensual sex.

I guess in order to move forward I need to realize that those things happened in my past and that I cannot let them control my future. But they do. They control every aspect of my life. I do not trust people. I do not trust myself. I have a very limited emotional intelligence, I have difficulty expressing even the most basic of emotions. I keep everyone at a safe distance, I don't let them in. I isolate myself. I actually hate myself sometimes.

I blame myself for everything that has happened. I'm told that it's not my fault, that there is nothing I could have ever done to deserve this. I can't quite help thinking that it is my fault. Perhaps being molested as a little girl was not my fault, however being raped by a boyfriend, being raped and physically abused by my ex husband - that is my fault. I was an adult when this happened, an adult capable of taking care of myself.

I failed.

Anger

Today I am angry. Today I am resentful. Today I am tired.

The rage that is boiling within me is unbearable. I want nothing more than to release this anger, this pain, this sadness. I want nothing more than to cry and be held and comforted in a way I have never been.

Everyday is a struggle. Everyday I get sucked down deeper into the abyss of my private hell. Everyday I try to claw my way out only to have the invisible chain that is tied to my ankle pull me back down.

I lost my childhood. I lost my innocence. I lost my capacity to trust. I lost safe boundaries. I lost the ability to have healthy relationships. I lost being able to feel.

I lost my life.

I am putting my everything into healing and am hoping with all hope that I get my life back.

What's This Life For?

I'm incomplete and hollow
Fading softly in the rain.
I saw a faceless man
He haunts my dreams.
Led into the desert
For my strength is surely fading.
Watching children play
Searching for the moment
When innocence lost itself to hate.
What's this life for?