Friday, March 17, 2006

:::::Butterfly in Reverse

I've been trying to ignore and suppress my feelings, thoughts and nightmares I've been having lately. I'm up to my old antics again...I've been denying my feelings.

I feel like I was starting to come out of my cocoon, only to step right back into it.

This is my constant battle - feeling!

I want to feel, yet at the same I don't. I'm scared of my feelings and don't really know how to handle them. I've been doing so well with the self injury and smoking pot and drinking I'm afraid that if I let myself feel what's there I might slip and break a contract with my counsellor - I CANNOT break either contract. At the same time, I can't not let myself feel either.

It's weird, I know the sadness is there, but I'm not letting it surface. I don't understand how this works, and I guess maybe that is part of the problem - if I can learn how I control my feelings maybe I won't need to control them? Does that even make sense?


The Missing Link said...

Of course it makes sense, it does to me anyway. I feel so twisted & fucked up so much of the time b/c I have this overwhelming pain, confusion & sadness buried so deep inside, but I am also so numb to everything - not trusting anyone or anything that passes in front of me. I don't want to feel anything either... I'm deathly afraid that once I let myself feel everything, I won't be able to make myself STOP from feeling it - and then that's when I start to go to very dark, dark places w/what I want to do to myself - like just end it all.

I don't understand it either. All I've wanted lately is a line & a drink to make it all go away... but I have also been doing good laying off of the hard stuff. And the contract you wrote about? I have one, too, w/an old counselor. A contract to not kill myself - I have it framed in my bathroom to remind me that I have, somehow, managed to pull through even the darkest, worst, most painful times in my life.

I am sorry you are "feeling" this way - and I use that term loosely because I don't even know what I feel anymore... or how to even feel it.

Maybe take a "Survivor Day" where you do nothing but just treat yourself to whatever you want. That's what I did last weekend & that's what I have to do this weekend again. My thoughts have been very, very dark lately... I have to snap out of it.

Hope this helps - email me if you need to anytime at all. You're not alone.

Take care of yourself,

Marj aka Thriver said...

Survivor: What you say makes perfect sense to me. I had to work with some powerful songs (and sometimes movies) to help release some of my emotions (esp. anger was hard for me). Maybe your hamster dying has something to do with it. When I had to put my Trusty dog down in November, I was just kinda numb for a while. Isn't one of the grieving stages "denial?" Took me a while to realize he was really gone and really start grieving. I'm sorry for your loss. Sounds like your lil' pal helped you with your healing like my beloved beast did. Take care & hang in there.