I've been trying to ignore and suppress my feelings, thoughts and nightmares I've been having lately. I'm up to my old antics again...I've been denying my feelings.
I feel like I was starting to come out of my cocoon, only to step right back into it.
This is my constant battle - feeling!
I want to feel, yet at the same I don't. I'm scared of my feelings and don't really know how to handle them. I've been doing so well with the self injury and smoking pot and drinking I'm afraid that if I let myself feel what's there I might slip and break a contract with my counsellor - I CANNOT break either contract. At the same time, I can't not let myself feel either.
It's weird, I know the sadness is there, but I'm not letting it surface. I don't understand how this works, and I guess maybe that is part of the problem - if I can learn how I control my feelings maybe I won't need to control them? Does that even make sense?