Thursday, March 23, 2006

Dammit

I'm a fucking mess. I haven't slept in days because of nightmares. I'm working 10, 12, 14 hours a day and I am completely exhausted. I don't have the energy to keep what is going on in my head at bay anymore. I guess on some level that might be a good thing...

I really want to hurt myself right now. I want nothing more than to cut my arm, to have that momentary high and wave of relief wash over me. I'm fighting the urge. I'm writing instead. I'm doing what I know is better for me regardless of what I want. I need to keep the control I've had on SI, and I don't want to dissapoint myself or anyone else with a lapse.

I used to wonder why I had these breakdowns every so often - it hit me this morning. It's because I ignore my feelings, I stuff everything down until I'm about ready to explode, like today, and it happens when I'm emotionally and physically exhausted.

I do this to myself.

I'm scared to feel everything on a day to day basis. I wonder where I'd be, what I'd be doing to myself... I know it wouldn't be as extreme as what I'm going through right now, but it's still FEELING! This constant circle I go in with this is driving me fucking bananas!!

Fuck I want to cut

I FEEL...

sad... for everything I have lost, for getting angry with myself instead of my abusers

scared...I want to hurt myself

ashamed... I want to hurt myself, for being raped, for being sexually abused by my father

vulnerable... for having feelings

alone... I don't know - I just do…

embarrassed... for having feelings

angry... at myself for having feelings, for not letting myself feel what I feel, for being abused and raped, for being vulnerable, for not protecting myself better, for not fighting back harder, for having choosing to deal with all of this

frustrated... for feeling sad and vulnerable, for letting my past control me, for stuffing everything down

stupid... for having feelings

Wish I had a magic wand....

1 comment:

Holly said...

Hang in, I had a bad week also!