My mother saw my SI scars.
She's seen the books I've been reading.
She put two and two together.
I was sitting on the couch watching TV, she in her recliner. I'm wearing a T-shirt, the sleeve pulled up a bit when I reached for my can of diet Pepsi, she caught the scars out of the corner of her eye.
She flipped out.
Are you cutting yourself? she screamed. She had this disgusted look on her face.
I laughed my nervous laugh, grinned my oh fuck grin and said no.
She grabbed my arm and yanked up the sleeve and was greeted with dozens of inch long cuts and burns, cigarette burns and smaller cuts - all scars except for the slip last week.
She looked at me you're really sick.
I laughed and said don't worry about it, it's nothing.
It's not funny. You're sick and I'm really worried about you.
I laughed.
Now what?
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Sexually Abused by my father. Raped as a young adult.
2 comments:
Hope you're hanging in there... Wishing you my best... While I am certain this must seem like an (another!!) unexpected road block, I am even more certain still that this Road To Your Life is longer, brighter, healthier and happier than you may believe it to be right now.
You just have to keep reminding yourself that YOU ARE IN THE DRIVER'S SEAT. And it's okay if you need to stop along the way and rest a while... even if the resting seems like more work than the actual driving itself sometimes.
Or maybe pull over and let your Mother take the wheel for a little while... Life and the people in it - especially our family (the ones we are "stuck" with) can sometimes surprise the absolute fuck out of us.
(Like I'm one to talk!! My family has NO clue about my secret life - my rape.)
Take great care, Survivor... You deserve it.
Survivor--I'm glad your Mom wants to help. We need help, of course. But I wish people would look at us with compassion rather than disgust (actually, the look I hate the most is when I can almost just see the wall coming down & then I get a blank stare back--No feeling, nothing). Hey thanks, again, for the link. I wrote about my SI on SIAD, too. Keep up the great work & take care.
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