Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Conflict 201... and counting!

The never ending saga of relationship conflicts...

I'm starting to think unhealthy relationships are easier as there is less invested and less room for hurt.

OK, so even I can see the problems with my above statement!

I had another session with my counselor today and we did a lot of work, a big correlation came up and in talking about it another correlation came up. It took a fair amount out of me actually but while this is alive for me I need to write about it.

My boyfriend cancelled plans with me today to go to a hockey game, we were supposed to do dinner and relax watching TV/movies. He told me this afternoon he was going and I said cool. I acted like it was no big deal, but it kind of is. Before we can make plans he checks with the boys to see what's going on with them. This really bothers me - makes me feel second fiddle.

I was really angry earlier this afternoon and my first reaction was to just run, to break up with him rather than look at my feelings and talk to him.

It's my normal. The normal that we're changing. Slowly.

I understand why I just take things like this in stride and make it OK - because he's sacrificing something for me. Rather, to be with me. And it's his decision to give up this "thing" but I feel guilty because I know it's something he would enjoy and probably prefer to have. But he said it's OK, he would never expect this "thing" from me and that he absolutely understands why it would be an issue. I also think that because he's giving this up, I should just accept his constantly checking with the boys before making plans with me or breaking the plans if something "better" comes along. Because of this I'm scared to talk to him about it, to let him know that it bothers me, makes me feel second fiddle and kind of hurts.

There's another reason as well...

My ex-husband. If I expressed any feelings or let him know if something he did hurt me, made me angry, anything, it would turn into a fight. A huge fight. Usually resulting in a black eye or imprints of his hands around my throat.

On an intellectual level (somewhere in me at least) I KNOW my boyfriend would never hurt me like that. The terror of my ex is still there though, it's very much real. It's incredibly scary to think about talking to my boyfriend and expressing how his actions hurt me. It's almost as if I'm expecting he's going to wind up and punch me in the head. It's an unrealistic and realistic fear at the same time. It is again my normal.

Tomorrow I am going to muster up the very same courage I used last week and talk to my boyfriend about it. Not make it a big deal, but get my feelings across and come to some kind of a mutual understanding.

Looking at this and realizing just how much my past has affected me is the reminder and drive I need to keep going with counselling and this healing stuff.

This is hard. Really really hard. But it's worth it.

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