Monday, March 20, 2006

One Sided

I came to a realization this morning... most of my relationships are one sided. What I mean is that some friends and family come to me with their problems or crises' and I listen to them, help them if they want help, etc. When I go to them with my problems they get really uncomfortable and change the subject, or their face turns to stone and they listen without really hearing me.

I came to this realization by way of emailing with a friend I met through this blog. She pointed out that she considers the people she has connected with through her blog as being dear friends even though we are completely anonymous. I feel the same way. I have connected more deeply with these anonymous people than I have with the "real" people in my life. I'm not always able to comment or offer my support via comments because sometimes it feels like they are in my head, writing exactly how I feel and it sometimes it scares the hell out of me. At the same time it offers much comfort to know I'm not alone in these feelings or thoughts, that there are people out there struggling with similar things and continuing to survive...

Are the one sided relationships healthy? That's a question that is now plaguing me and troubling me.

Are they completely one sided? I would say no. If I have a fluffy problem, such as a work issue they are there to listen to me and help me if I need it, anything deeper and I'm on my own.

I hate the way you look at me
As if I was broken

I've been trying so hard to keep my head above water these past few weeks, and as I mentioned previously I'm doing it by not allowing myself to feel. I need to create a safe space for myself so I can feel and then neatly tuck those feelings away until I can handle it again. I've tried doing this, but I suck at it! I have a hell of a time trying to put my feelings back in the "container".

I started smoking again... I'm going to try quitting soon though, next Monday I think.

I had a really hard time with the contract for no pot this weekend. I was partying it up Saturday night and a friend handed me a blunt - I stood there, like I was frozen and just held it staring at it. I have to admit it smelled good! My counsellors voice popped in my head... disappointed... I passed it to another friend and left the room. I disappeared into the bathroom and sat on the edge of the tub and slammed back a bottle of wine, still not a wise choice and I'm not sure which is worse... I didn't break the contract even though I came close to it!

I dunno... just gonna pull the covers over my head and pretend the world doesn't exist...


The Missing Link said...


We will get through this... I don't know what I'd do if you weren't here!!!!

Much Love,

Marcella Chester said...

I just wanted to let you know that I admire your courage to speak up -- especially during the roughest times.