Tuesday, July 25, 2006

After so long I failed

I'm strong enough now to admit it... I think.

It had been burning a hole in my chest, tearing at my mind, the feeble bands of mental rubber trying desperately to contain the need.

I failed.

I was so lost. So angry. So hurt. So ashamed. So scared. So confused. So conflicted. So frustrated.

So needing to reach out and just ask for help. So confused about who to turn to, a friend, my boyfriend, C or T... embarrassed and ashamed to even admit it.

I thought if I just ignored it, it would go away. Of course that is never the case. I KNOW this, yet I keep repeating. I never learn. We're supposed to learn from our mistakes, why don't I?

I always stop myself when reaching for help, I always hear over and over again that I'm worthless and don't deserve it. I stop and think of everyone else and their own problems they have to deal with and feel guilty for even considering weighing them down with mine. They are my friends, and I am always there for them no matter what, but I don't expect them to be there for me... really, how is that a friendship?

I've failed myself. I've failed C. I've failed T.

I burnt my arm.

I lied to my boyfriend when he saw the blister and asked what happened. I lied to my best friend.

The shame is overwhelming.

I burnt my arm with a cigarette to stop the pain, the hurt, the sadness, the anger, the shame, the frustration, the confusion.

Momentary numbness.

I so desperately want to burn and cut again.

Momentary numbness.

I've failed.

I did it again...


Sacha said...

You didn't fail - you coped. It works and it was what you needed at the time. We don't have to be perfect. We just have to try. You tried...I can tell. You just had a slip up. Next time, with some other ideas for soothing yourself, you'll maybe last longer without burning.

It's taken a long, long time for me and sometimes, I slip up. It's ok. You'll have a chance to do better next time.

survivor said...

Thanks Sacha for the encouragement. It had been months since I self harmed, I thought I was "cured" I hoped upon all hopes that I was, the disappointment and shame, the anger with myself for lying to the people I love... I hate myself for that

jumpinginpuddles said...

you havent failed, i call it a momentary lapse of reason. No one can be all things to all people at all times, and you cant be the same for yourself, dont beat yourself up over it, it is a stress relief not the best one but it still is one. There are other ways of making it stoip hurting like drawing walking refocussing computer etc etc. But dont worry im just as bad as refocussing as the next person. But it might make it longer and longer if you cna try and maybe tell those people the truth and let them care for you.


Wanda's Wings said...

You didn't fail. Sometimes the only way we cope is by the "old ways" Continue to find new ways. I also am still ashamed of my last episode. It was over 3 months ago, but shame doesn't help us. You did what you knew how at the moment. sometimes we all slip up. We just try the next time for another answer. (((safe hugs))

survivor said...

Thanks so much for your support JIP and Wanda... ((((((((hugs)))))))

The Missing Link said...

stay strong sweetie... thinking of you. and for what its worth, failure isn't even a possibility for survivors, really... I mean, how can we possibly EVER fail if we've already achieved the greatest success in the world???

We were challenged with our lives to the death, and we're still alive... as painful, draining and confusing as it is, we've achieved more in our young, tender, innocent lives than most people can hope to achieve in a lifetime...

hope this helps you in maybe feeling hopeful that things will get better, and im still proud of you for being honest with us, even though you lied to your friend/bf. and thats okay, too... maybe you're just not ready to tell them yet. your heart will know when she's ready.

we all are just surviving one day at a time... and we WILL have ups & downs, but please don't feel like a failure. i think the fact that any of us ever survived our really, really shitty experiences proves that we are pretty strong, awesome & amazing people...

much love, survivor

ps - its okay to want to temp. make the pain go away, too... hell, ive been such a pothead lately that i can barely remember my own name! just so confused and pained, and everything feels very rushed for some reason, but incredibly draining all at the same time. i dont know whats going on... cant really figure it out

Holly said...

Dear Survivor,
You are being to hard on yourself, it is tough battle, we all cope very differently. Hang in my dear friend, you will see light at the end of of dark tunnel.

cheesemeister said...

I go through this same thing. Sometimes in spite of all the advances we made we slip back. But though this is a battle lost it isn't the whole war. Sometimes the pain is just too much. Please forgive yourself and realize that you deserve to fight another day.

Breeya said...

Dear Survivor,

I don’t know how this post is going to come out. I have been reading you all this time, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to writing.
Well, actually I did write a comment when you post "why can’t I say no?", but it got lost on the cyberspace. Couldn´t get to do it again.
Now there is so much stuff to say that i don´t know where to start, or if even should.
There has been so much going on for you.
I guess I should start with now.
I wouldn´t say you have failed, you had a set back.
I know how terrible it feels, but it happens, it happens to us all.
I also do feel it as a failure, but i know it is not that. Not in the sense that it doesn’t mean that you can´t do it, you can. You are doing it.
It is only a failure if you give up. We all make mistakes, we all have set backs, but you don´t have to win every battle to win the war.

I think I will leave it for now, I´ll try to write later again.

survivor said...

MIL - you always know just what to say. I swear sometimes we're operating with one mind! (((((hugs)))))

Thanks Holly (((((hugs)))))

Breeya - so good to see you back. I was wondering and starting to worry about you. Thanks for your encouragement and wise as always... hang in there friend, sounds like you're going through a tough time as well. Remember I've always got an ear - er eye! - for you... take care sweetie (((((hugs)))))

Breeya said...

Dear Survivor,

I am starting to think that maybe I should not make a comment about your “why can’t I say no” post. I spent, again, some time writing (I am very slow) and again it has been lost. Argh!!!! It’s so frustrating.
But I have to try again because that post was very triggering for me. I have been there far too many times.
It is a terrible to feeling being used, especially by the person one has chosen to be with.

It took me a long time to tell my boyfriend what was going on. Actually I did tell him when we were broken up. One of the reasons for the break up was the resentment that I have nested towards him because of it.
At first I just resented myself, and every time I would tell myself I would just say no the next time, but I didn’t. It started to poison me. My self esteem was set underground, my anger over the sky. I started resenting him, how could he not notice?
I don’t know exactly why I didn’t tell him before. Maybe I was scared that he would leave.
I think for a long time I didn’t even think there was anything to say. He didn’t force me so what could I say?
It is just a very common behavior in survivors, trying to please, not protecting ourselves, in a way not respecting ourselves.
It is what we have been trained to do, isn’t it?

My situation is now a bit peculiar since my boyfriend and I have hardly have sex since we got back together.
But I know I will still find it hard to say no. I know because pat f the reason not to engage in sex is that I am worried I won’t stop it if I want to.
So I have been thinking maybe we could agree a signal, a gesture of something that lets him know I want to stop without me requiring to say anything.
It seems to me that making a gesture would a lot easier.
Unfortunately I am not going to be able to put this into practice for some time, or who knows maybe never, at least with him
Things are not going well, that is partly why I haven’t written for so long. I am being absorbed by the relationship. Also work, and an ex, are taking a lot of my time and my strength.

I understand that it requires going through the difficult step of telling your boyfriend, which also might solve the problem just at once.
This is a risky thing to say, but I don’t think he will leave. I think if you explain carefully he will probably understand, or at least accept. I don’t think most people expect the partner to always be in the mood for sex.

It takes a lot of courage to do it. Probably that is why I didn’t do it until we broke up, until I had nothing to loose. Though if he hadn’t been understanding about it, it would have deeply reinforced my twisted perceptions of love and relationships.
(All the things I learned from my dad)

Take care.

Apologies for the very long comment.

survivor said...


I've been thinking about what you wrote since you commented and still am at a loss for words...

I'm very sorry for everything you've been through. I think maybe you might be better off without your boyfriend, sounds like the relationship is dragging you down. But that's just my opinion, and by no means take it to heart if you don't feel or agree with what I said.

I KNOW my boyfriend will leave me either, but it's a fear nonetheless, an irrational one at that.

I usually do everything in Word and then copy it over to blogger since it's famous for crashing...

Hang in there friend, and if you need to, email me

(((((safe hugs)))))

survivor said...

oh and Breeya, no apologies for comment length, use as much space as ya need :)