Resistance

Resistance: A process in which the ego opposes the conscious recall of anxiety-producing experiences.

Ego: the division of the psyche that is conscious, most immediately controls thought and behavior, and is most in touch with external reality.

I am and have been expending all of my energy into resistance. Acknowledging the resistance is a very important part of removing the resistance; I can now start to remove the resistance.

However, first I need to identify the reasons behind the resistance.

Vulnerability: I believe that being vulnerable is part of the cause of my pain. If I was not vulnerable as a child.... I won't finish that loaded sentence, instead lets focus on the fact that ALL children are vulnerable.

Trust: I trusted my father. I trusted my mother. Trusting people has failed me. It takes a very long time to earn my trust and almost nothing to lose it.

Safety: Very seldom have I felt safe. I have to work incredibly hard in creating safe spaces for myself, once a space has been tainted with even the remotest hint of "danger" it is no longer safe. There is no grey area.

Fear: Fear of rejection. Fear of being hurt. Fear of trusting. Fear of reaction. Fear of being vulnerable. There is a fear surrounding almost all aspects of the healing journey.

To keep processing this I also need to look at the fact that resistance once served me; it served me well. It allowed me to function, to wake up everyday, to breathe, to go about my life, to survive.

I need to understand that resistance no longer serves me. It is now time to move forward, to accept the things that have happened, to understand that I cannot change my past and that I absolutely cannot let it control my future. This is going to be incredibly challenging - I am up for the challenge.

I also need to remind myself that on this journey I will take a step or two backwards. I will retreat into myself, I will resist and fight the process. Doing all of those things is OK. It took years of trauma of get me where I am, and it's going to take a long time to get me to be where I want to be. To be a healthy, full functioning adult.

Understanding is one thing. Intellectually I know this, but on another level I don't trust it or truly believe it.