Sunday, November 13, 2005


Resistance: A process in which the ego opposes the conscious recall of anxiety-producing experiences.

Ego: the division of the psyche that is conscious, most immediately controls thought and behavior, and is most in touch with external reality.

I am and have been expending all of my energy into resistance. Acknowledging the resistance is a very important part of removing the resistance; I can now start to remove the resistance.

However, first I need to identify the reasons behind the resistance.

Vulnerability: I believe that being vulnerable is part of the cause of my pain. If I was not vulnerable as a child.... I won't finish that loaded sentence, instead lets focus on the fact that ALL children are vulnerable.

Trust: I trusted my father. I trusted my mother. Trusting people has failed me. It takes a very long time to earn my trust and almost nothing to lose it.

Safety: Very seldom have I felt safe. I have to work incredibly hard in creating safe spaces for myself, once a space has been tainted with even the remotest hint of "danger" it is no longer safe. There is no grey area.

Fear: Fear of rejection. Fear of being hurt. Fear of trusting. Fear of reaction. Fear of being vulnerable. There is a fear surrounding almost all aspects of the healing journey.

To keep processing this I also need to look at the fact that resistance once served me; it served me well. It allowed me to function, to wake up everyday, to breathe, to go about my life, to survive.

I need to understand that resistance no longer serves me. It is now time to move forward, to accept the things that have happened, to understand that I cannot change my past and that I absolutely cannot let it control my future. This is going to be incredibly challenging - I am up for the challenge.

I also need to remind myself that on this journey I will take a step or two backwards. I will retreat into myself, I will resist and fight the process. Doing all of those things is OK. It took years of trauma of get me where I am, and it's going to take a long time to get me to be where I want to be. To be a healthy, full functioning adult.

Understanding is one thing. Intellectually I know this, but on another level I don't trust it or truly believe it.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Although I am not a victim of abuse I do admire your strength and determination. It seems as if anything that comes your way is not too large for you to tackle head on. You are very honest in your writing. Knowing the trials and tribulations you have been through helps me tackle my daily struggles with more gusto!