A few things my counsellor said yesterday have been sitting with me, and I have been spending a great amount of time thinking. Today's trigger was helping a dear friend who was in a really bad place, and all of a sudden the anger just erupted from her while she was crying. I felt myself getting angry with her. I stayed with her while she vented and cried, letting her get it all out, telling her it's OK to feel everything she is feeling and that she's incredibly brave to let it out.
I am actually envious she was able to get it out, to be so real with me, yet I can't do that. Not yet.
I am very angry. I am angry at the world, at my father...
I was a little girl. When I look at other children around the same age as I was when it started I can see their vulnerability, their need for protection. Most importantly, their innocence and trust in the world.
I didn't have any of that. I had no one to protect me, no one to love me the way a child deserves to be loved.
I am fucking MAD!
My parents are to blame. My father is the sick bastard. He's the one who deserves to have all this anger, pain and sadness weighing him down, controlling every aspect of his fucking pathetic life.
The ex boyfriend who decided no really means yes and a big knee to the crotch means bring it on baby can go to fucking hell. He keeps popping up around my house, he keeps trying to hold some power or something over me. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. If he ever crosses the boundary of my personal space I'll lose it, all this pent up rage will be directed at him and god help me...
My ex husband who made me his punching bag, who treated me like garbage, who constantly told me I was ugly and worthless, who raped me... FUCK YOU
Congratulations DAD... you failed being a father, you failed being a human being. You're nothing but a monster. You've fucked me up beyond belief. The most simplest of things you stole from me. The basic things EVERY child has a right to, you TOOK from me, all for your own twisted fucking pleasure.
"Because of You" Kelly Clarkson
Because of you I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you I am afraid
I lose my way and it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole to start with
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry In the middle of the night For the same damn thing
Because of you I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you I am afraid
Because of you I hurt myself, I burn myself, I cut myself, I can't look in the mirror, I HATE my life. I HATE being in this body, constantly reminded of the things you did to me, the things you forced me to do, the pain you inflicted, the memories that haunt me.
Be PROUD of your accomplishments DAD.
Be PROUD that you have wounded your "special little girl."
Be PROUD that you forced your "special little girl" to perform such degrading sexual acts...
Be PROUD that you have caused your "special little girl" a life of shame... a life of surviving...
Be PROUD that your "special little girl" carries such deep self hatred and disgust...
Be PROUD DEAREST DAD...