Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Sister

I just talked to my sister. The second I heard her voice I could feel the anger rising inside me.

The last time I talked to my sister was a few months ago, she told me I was nothing but a piece of shit who deserved everything he (my ex husband) did to me and that I should go fuck myself.

My sister is my half sister. My mother had her before she met my father, and my father adopted her when my parents got married. My sister was also abused by my father. She once told me that he was her first orgasm and that she was in love with him. To me, that is REVOLTING!!

I cut my sister out of my life the day she said those very hurtful things to me. My ex husband had finally moved out, he lied and told me he was living with friends from work. I found out later that he was in fact living with my sister, so I confronted her about it. Asked her how she could choose him over her own sister, especially since she KNEW he used to beat the SHIT out of me on a regular basis. That's when she told me to go fuck myself and that I deserved it. Instantly, I started crying. For the first time I couldn't control it, the dam just burst open and out poured the tears. I actually cried in front of people for the first time since I was a little girl.

This phone call from her today caught me off guard. I had a terrible day at work, and talking to her was the icing on the cake. She called to tell me all about our wonderful father and how much she loves him, how he does things for her and takes care of her. She made him sound like a God instead of the sick bastard he really is. I half listened for about ten minutes and then hung up the phone. She doesn't know that I was also abused, and I really don't think it would matter if she did...

I am still so very angry. I'm guessing there is also a lot of pain around this as well, but the anger is what I am able to connect with, to recognize. It's more familiar, being angry.

I don't understand why she won't leave me alone. She sent me numerous emails apologizing for her actions and words, I didn't respond to a single one and deleted them all.

She only calls when she wants something, money for drugs usually, although she tries to disguise it by saying the kids need something. I want to cut her out completely, but the kids mean so much to me, I haven't seen or talked to them for the past few months which is killing me. I used to spend at least one day a week with them, take them out for ice cream, to the library, anything to get them away from their house and the constant fighting.

I am torn.

2 comments:

m3 said...

Hey there, I saw your comment on my blog and checked out your website. I'm really glad that you are out there doing the same thing as me...it helps a lot, not only me but everyone who reads your blog. I just think it's so weird how much we have in common, we've even used the same picture (your pro pic). You're feelings that you've posted are a lot like the feelings I have but didn't know how to word it. You take care of yourself and I'll always be here if you need an ear to listen.

Fallen Rose said...

It's amazing how much I feel you are a kindred spirit. I have a horrible relationship with my sister as well. I was in an abusive marriage. When the abuse started, I called my sister and told her. She was the first person I confided in. She said that I deserved it and it was my fault. I was shattered. I was scared to talk to anyone else after that.