Tuesday, November 08, 2005

No Tears

I have been feeling incredibly sad for days on end. The sadness and despair keep growing, overtaking me. To deal with sadness, one normally cries as an outlet.

I have no tears.

The physical act of crying is beyond me. I can feel the tears welling up, I can feel the wave of wanting to release them, I can feel my lips begin to quiver and my voice start to shake with emotion. Still, no tears.

"Crying is for babies... you're not a baby are you?"
"Does that hurt? Are you going to cry? No... well lets see if we can make you cry"
"You were a mistake. Do you hear me? A mistake! I wish you had never been born."

Whenever I feel the tears start to come up, the above screams through my head like a locomotive. Faster than a speeding bullet!

It is my mothers words.

As I write this, I can feel the sadness and pain continuing to build. I can feel my chest grow heavy...

Solitude standing in the mirror
With a flower and a flame
Glaring in all her horrific glory
Find the things she's erased
Hit until you can't hit no more
Set fire with the flame
Capture it in time
Am I part of the disease?

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