Friday, August 18, 2006


I saw T yesterday. I was so uncomfortable; I really didn't want to be there. I found myself angry for some reason and incredibly closed off.

I'm also finding myself frustrated with T. I don't think we mesh very well. I feel like she doesn't really hear me or let me talk. She leads every session without giving me the opportunity to talk about something I may need to talk about. But at the same time, I won't talk about anything anyway. I'm not comfortable with her. I find her kind of creepy actually! A few sessions back T talked about ****possible triggers**** sexual arousal being normal when experiencing sexual abuse and she compared it to changing a babies diaper. She said when cleaning a penis a little boy can have an erection from the stimulation but that it is completely innocent and a normal reaction. That absolutely freaked me out; I didn't tell her that though. I don't feel safe in her home office. And while talking about it she was kind of giggling, out of nerves or maybe from the look on my face, I don't know. I felt safe at one point. I really don't know what is going on with me. When I asked T why she would offer a reduced rate she talked for about 10 minutes about how I'm such a special person and she cares... it was a load of bullshit really. The way she talks to me, I dunno, I feel like she's lying to my face trying to boost me up and I'm not buying it. Should I talk to her about it?


Breeya said...

I am sorry the sessions with T are not being helpful.

As wary as I am of giving advise, I would say that is probably a good idea to talk to her about it.
You are investing time and effort on working with her.
I´ve mention before how my counsellor was not all very helpful for me. I think because of that experience I am know not willing to go into counselling again. I think I should and I guess I will eventually but now. I don´t feel like it. Is as if I feel I have to recover for all that, like I have no energy now to go through it again, because it can be quite hard sometimes, and if you don´t feel you gain enough from it, I think it becomes to draining. I think it did drag me down a bit.

The comment about the baby seems a bit unfortunate. I guess she was just trying to say that children respond to stimulation whatever the situation. So we do, even when being abused. But I guess she knows thatis something we all, survivors, find it diffciult to deal with.

Hope things get better.

Breeya said...

About my question regarding the difference between T and C. I did guess that T is a therapist and C a counsellor what I don´t know is what is the difference between them.
Do you do dofferent kind of work? are the sessions different?.

survivor said...

Breeya, you're right I know I should talk to her about it...

A Therapist is usually a DR, meaning they have their PhD in Psych and can diagnose mental health issues. A Counsellor is someone who holds a masters in pysch or counselling psychology.

Breeya said...

thanks for the info. Will be handy when I decided to try with a proffesional again.

I didn't mean to make you feel like you ought do something.
You have to do things in your own time, when you feel comfortable doing it.
I know not connecting with your T or C can be very hard and difficult to deal with.
You are being very brave and commited to your healing.
Don't pressure yourself, find your time to decide and do what you think is best.

Take care

cheesemeister said...

It would be hard for me to do so, but I would ask her about it. I'm not in counseling now because a) it's too expensive and b) I really don't feel comfortable with therapists. I had a good one for a while and I will always be grateful to her for helping me at last realize that I had type II bipolar and NOT unipolar depression with anxiety, so finally I was able to get a med that worked! However I became uncomfortable when she started bringing religion into it and insinuating that my esoteric beliefs were erroneous and going to lead me to hell. So I slowly stopped seeing her. It's tough to reveal your innermost hell to another person. It should be a person you can feel comfortable with. Is it possible for you to find another therapist?

survivor said...

Glad you got a correct diagnoses. I'm still working with C and the last session with T went OK.