I'm still here, still in that dark awful place I so desperately want out of.
I'm tired of hurting. I'm sick of being depressed, the overwhelming sadness.
My DR has increased my antidepressant. I am now almost at the maximum dose, I started taking the increase yesterday so it will be a few weeks at least before I notice any changes. I'm hoping beyond all hope that this will work.
I saw T yesterday. It was a really tough session because I told her about my suicidal thoughts. She was really kind and caring as we talked about it for a while. When I started talking about how I felt and have been feeling, my voice started to shake and the dam almost burst. I stopped myself and held in the tears. I also stopped really talking about it, and kept everything surface level. T offered to reduce her rate so I would be able to go weekly instead of every two weeks so the sessions would be more helpful and we can really delve into everything. I took her up on the offer and thanked her profusely.
C and I have also agreed to keep working together, one or two sessions per month. I'm really glad C agreed as it was incredibly anxiety inducing to know we were terminating. I'm not ready to give up C's support, and admitting that was so incredibly hard because it was admitting again that I need help and that makes me feel super vulnerable, which I absolutely hate feeling... but it's good...