Friday, August 11, 2006

Still here

I'm still here, still in that dark awful place I so desperately want out of.

I'm tired of hurting. I'm sick of being depressed, the overwhelming sadness.

My DR has increased my antidepressant. I am now almost at the maximum dose, I started taking the increase yesterday so it will be a few weeks at least before I notice any changes. I'm hoping beyond all hope that this will work.

I saw T yesterday. It was a really tough session because I told her about my suicidal thoughts. She was really kind and caring as we talked about it for a while. When I started talking about how I felt and have been feeling, my voice started to shake and the dam almost burst. I stopped myself and held in the tears. I also stopped really talking about it, and kept everything surface level. T offered to reduce her rate so I would be able to go weekly instead of every two weeks so the sessions would be more helpful and we can really delve into everything. I took her up on the offer and thanked her profusely.

C and I have also agreed to keep working together, one or two sessions per month. I'm really glad C agreed as it was incredibly anxiety inducing to know we were terminating. I'm not ready to give up C's support, and admitting that was so incredibly hard because it was admitting again that I need help and that makes me feel super vulnerable, which I absolutely hate feeling... but it's good...


Anonymous said...

Hey: I tried to send this message as a response to your e-mail but it came back to me undeliverable:

Thanks for the Yahoo invite, but I cannot load anything else on this computer (at work). I'm sorry I haven't been in touch. I love your blog though. I've just been very engrossed trying to finish my book and launching my Web site. E-mail me any time, okay?

Also, do you mind if I link to your blog on my Web site?

God bless, Hope Forus

Fallen Angels said...

I'm glad your T made tht offer...I don't think I could make it with sessions every two weeks.

jumpinginpuddles said...

well done for taking the t up on her offer that was awesome of her to offer and such courage for you to accept well done:)

Breeya said...

Dear Survivor,

I was wondering how you were.
I am sorry you are having such a hard time.
I have been wondering since you commented about having suicidal thoughts how that could be affecting you.
I know that when I have been having them for... more than just a few days, the thoughts themselves become a problem. Somehow the fact that my mind is going that way, not only makes things harder, but is as if I have a new problem. Maybe is having to fight the thoughts, maybe is the fear that I are loosing the strengh. I really don´t think is either, but I could never find out what it is.
I wish I had advice on this, but I don´t, all can offer is support. I am always here if you want a chat, and I will always try to understand without judging.

Your T seems very compasionate and commited to work with you, I hope you r efforts on working with her pay off soon enough.

We all need help. Not only survivors, everyone needs help sometimes, and being able to accept it is wise and brave. Most people find it hard to ask for help, not only survivors. I know feeling vulnerable is very hard.
For me is like everyhting that happened, did happen because I was vulnerable and the asociation of being vulnareable and then being hurt is hard to break. Especially when my self hating about my vulnerability always gets me hurt, so I verify that it always happens.

You know, everyone is vulnerable maybe we are more aware of it and that makes it harder.

Hang in there, be gentle with yourself.

Big hug

PD. One question. Excuse my ignorance, what is the difference betwen a T and a C?

Wanda's Wings said...

I am so sorry you are fighting this awful depression. I know how hopeless it can seem. I glad your "T" is trying to work out something with you. It's terrible when you feel so bad, then add the finical stress. It's almost feels like too much. Please continue to hang in there. You have helped me so much. You are strong and brave and I admire you. Keep safe.

survivor said...

Hey Hope, Thanks! I'll check out your site. Absolutely you can link. Take care

Fallen, Me too! It's hard.

JIP, thanks!

Breeya, Thank you for your support. You described what I've been thinking very well. "T" is my therapist and "C" is my counselor

Wanda, you've helped me too. Enormously! Thanks for the encouragement (((hugs)))

Wanda's Wings said...

Just checkin in on you. A little worried. Are you OK? Thinking about you and praying for you.
(((Safe Hugs)))

survivor said...

Hi Wanda,

I'm OK. Sorry I haven't been around. Hiding again I guess... thanks for checking in (((((hugs)))) Take care sweet one