Super tough session with T yesterday. It all started with me telling T last session that I needed to talk about my boyfriend and our relationship and sex but we didn't get to it, so we talked about some other things first and then got to the boyfriend stuff.
It took me about 5 minutes to actually spit it out, and when I said it the words came out at a million miles a second and thank God T didn't ask me to repeat it. "IcanttellmyboyfriendthatsometimesIdontwantsexorthatsometimeshedoes
somethingandithurts" I closed my eyes and scrunched up my face while saying it so I could just imagine how hard T had to be listening to understand. We talked about how I'm afraid that if I tell him I'm not in the mood he will just ignore it and pursue sex anyway. I know that he wouldn't do that, that he would respect me and not persist, but it's such a real fear, when I even think about the possibility of telling him that I get all panicky and scared. T asked what I would do if I said no and he still tried regardless... enter stage left the worst flashback I've EVER HAD!!
It felt almost like I was punched in the gut, all the air was sucked out of me and I was absolutely terrified. My leg started shaking and my entire body was instantly tense. I was aware of my surroundings and where I was but at the same time I was back in my basement with Byron's fist hitting my face. It was really weird and I thought I was going insane. You know dream sequences in cheesy movies, where the scene gets cloudy/blurry except for the middle where the dream is taking place? That's kind of like what it was and nothing I have ever experienced before.
I've seen my rape replay before, it's felt like it's happening all over again - but not to this extreme. It really scared me to my core.
T asked if I was OK, I said no. T scooted her chair closer to me and was directly in front of me. I couldn't look at T, couldn't make eye contact. I remember T talking to me, telling me I was safe, that it's not really happening. I don't know if I said it out loud or just thought it over and over "I don't feel safe." I described what was happening and asked if seeing it like a movie was normal, which T said it was.
T told me I did everything right. I survived. I told her I stopped fighting after he hit me and just froze, doing nothing. T said that was perfect, that was exactly what I was supposed to do because I survived. I heard myself say that if only I fought him a little harder or for one more minute he might have stopped... the second those words passed my lips I heard how ridiculous it sounded but at the same time how I really believe that. Double-thinking.
I vaguely remember T talking to me after she moved her chair across from me. I remember her asking me if I could feel the floor beneath my foot and the calmness of her voice. I think that's what helped bring me back. I'm incredibly thankful that I didn't experience that alone because I think the flashback would have swallowed me whole and consumed every last cell.
I don't remember much else about the session. Once I was calmed down enough to partially function T said our time was up. We booked the next session and when I got to my car and looked at the clock I saw we had gone over by 30 minutes. I had no idea! That freaked me out, I had lost time? Was I really as aware of what was happening as I thought I was? Where did the hell did those 30 minutes go?
I don't remember a time being so emotionally exhausted, so much so it affected me physically. I felt like I had run a 100 mile marathon. My body was like dead weight, and still kind of is. I felt like I had cried for hours, yet not a tear was shed with T.
Instead, I cried my way home.