Friday, August 04, 2006

Falling down

Possible Triggers

I'm incredibly sad today, I can feel the tears welling behind my eyes but I won't let me them fall.

My boyfriend kept touching me this morning, hugging me, putting his hand on my knee. I wanted to scream STOP TOUCHING ME. I still want to scream it even though I'm alone and there's no one to hear. I expect him to read my mind, or at least my body language, I was stiff as a board, not moving a single muscle every time he touched me. I wouldn't look at him, couldn't look at him.

Can't hide the pain in my eyes. Can't look at myself in the mirror.

I've been at a low. A really bad low for a few weeks.

High risk. Suicide.

There was a part of me that wanted to fight, to live, it kept saying don't let those bastards win.

I can't find that today.

I've been thinking of the things that make life worth living... things I love

My dogs
My boyfriend
My guinea pig!
The ocean and mountains and trees
The song of birds

I spent time looking at pictures from a vacation last year to Tofino and Vancouver, I wanted to remind myself of the greatness and beauty in the world. Reminding myself that if I hang on for a few more weeks I'll be there again, in the places that feel like home.

"Please come now I think I'm falling
I'm holding to all I think is safe
It seems I found the road to nowhere
And I'm trying to escape
I yelled back when I heard thunder
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say

Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking
That maybe six feet
Ain't so far down"

I'm scared. I feel alone. Hopeless.

I'm hanging on to one frayed thread. I know deep in my heart this won't last forever. It will get better.

It's a hard road, but I'm gonna keep walking. Even if I have to start crawling. I'm not gonna give up. I can't.

But I desperately want to. I'm sick of falling down.


Chris said...

I said this in my email to you, but I wanted to say it again here:

Be strong - you are better than all this, better than all the negative people in your life. You will make it! I have faith in you, even when you don't have faith in yourself.

Breeya said...

Dear Survivor,

I am so sorry that the lows keep coming.
But you are right, it will get better.
Hang in there.

The scene you describe with your boyfriend sounds so familiar.
I think it would be good for you to tell him. He can´t read your mind, you know this, and body language can be confusing. He could take your stiffness as indiference, which might just make him more insistent as he tries to reach you by being affectionate.
But I think the most important thing on telling, is just the act itself, not being silent when something is uncomfortable.
It defenitely did make feel more in control, and better with myself, safer own my own skin.

It´s had to explain on few words.
Telling is reaching out, sharing, taking care of yourself, allowing yourself to feel as yuo do.
(I guess this again was quite trigeering)

You are not alone, remeber that.
You won´t be.
You are absolutely right, it will get better. It will get good.
Just be patient (suicide can always wait), and change will come, it always does.

Big hug.

Breeya said...

For some reason this song came to my mind.

Seen a man standin' over a dead dog lyin' by the highway in a ditch
He's lookin' down kinda puzzled pokin' that dog with a stick
Got his car door flung open he's standin' out on highway 31
Like if he stood there long enough that dog'd get up and run
Struck me kinda funny seem kinda funny sir to me
Still at the end of every hard earned day people find some reason to believe

Now Mary Lou loved Johnny with a love mean and true
She said "Baby I'll work for you every day and bring my money home to you"
One day he up and left her and ever since that
She waits down at the end of that dirt road for young Johnny to come back
Struck me kinda funny seemed kind of funny sir to me
How at the end of every hard earned day people find some reason to believe

Take a baby to the river Kyle William they called him
Wash the baby in the water take away little Kyle's sin
In a whitewash shotgun shack an old man passes away take his body to the graveyard and over him they pray Lord won't you tell us
tell us what does it mean
Still at the end of every hard earned day people find some reason to believe

Congregation gathers down by the riverside
Preacher stands with his Bible groom stands waitin' for his bride
Congregation gone and the sun sets behind a weepin' willow tree
Groom stands alone and watches the river rush on so effortlessly
Wonderin' where can his baby be still at the end of every hard earned day people find some reason to believe

Mike said...

Wow, I never knew this topic was blogged about...hooray for you - this is quite a good idea! :-) Best of luck to you...

Sacha said...

Please go up to your "Read this First" and read it again. Hang on to the thread and know that there will be pillows worth laying your head down on, drives worth the view, dreams worth not giving up on someday. Hopefully someday very soon.

I've been there. I've been so so close to the edge and I can tell you (don't know if it will help) that I'm so so glad now I didn't take that step.

all my best to you tonight.

Anonymous said...

I read your blog after randomly stumbling upon it scrolling through blogs, and I find you to be a very strong and amazing person despite your struggling. Although you talk about failure and fear, you seem so strong and brave to share so much with others. It's impressive.

cheesemeister said...

I hope you feel better. I have such negative feelings about men in a romantic context even though I have many friends who are men and I don't really hate men as a whole, so I don't know if I can give decent advice as far as the boyfriend goes. I think he may not be respecting your boundaries with this. I hope you can talk to him about it without him going ballistic on you.
Best wishes,

survivor said...

Thanks Chris

Thanks Breeya

Thanks Mike

Thanks Sacha

Thanks Anon

Thanks Cie

Wanda's Wings said...

Continue to be strong! You offer more than you every will know.

PS I love guinea pigs too.

survivor said...

Wanda you made me smile...guinea pigs are awesome!! Thanks (((safe hugs)))