I'm incredibly sad today, I can feel the tears welling behind my eyes but I won't let me them fall.
My boyfriend kept touching me this morning, hugging me, putting his hand on my knee. I wanted to scream STOP TOUCHING ME. I still want to scream it even though I'm alone and there's no one to hear. I expect him to read my mind, or at least my body language, I was stiff as a board, not moving a single muscle every time he touched me. I wouldn't look at him, couldn't look at him.
Can't hide the pain in my eyes. Can't look at myself in the mirror.
I've been at a low. A really bad low for a few weeks.
High risk. Suicide.
There was a part of me that wanted to fight, to live, it kept saying don't let those bastards win.
I can't find that today.
I've been thinking of the things that make life worth living... things I love
My guinea pig!
The ocean and mountains and trees
The song of birds
I spent time looking at pictures from a vacation last year to Tofino and Vancouver, I wanted to remind myself of the greatness and beauty in the world. Reminding myself that if I hang on for a few more weeks I'll be there again, in the places that feel like home.
I'm holding to all I think is safe
It seems I found the road to nowhere
And I'm trying to escape
I yelled back when I heard thunder
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking
That maybe six feet
Ain't so far down"
I'm scared. I feel alone. Hopeless.
I'm hanging on to one frayed thread. I know deep in my heart this won't last forever. It will get better.
It's a hard road, but I'm gonna keep walking. Even if I have to start crawling. I'm not gonna give up. I can't.
But I desperately want to. I'm sick of falling down.