I was watching Nanny 911 - what can I say, I LOVE that show!! The family dynamics and watching the changes and the resistance of the family while attempting the changes is fascinating.
So, I was watching Nanny 911 and here was this family all settled down on the couch, the kids in their PJ's sitting on their parents laps being read a bedtime story, it was the picture of perfect... And all I could do was cry.
I felt sad and a great sense of loss. Pain.
I remember those nights before everything changed. I remember sitting on my fathers knee while he read to me, I remember being excited and happy. I remember feeling safe.
I remember when everything changed. When I became a terrified little girl. When sitting on my fathers knee made me feel scared. I remember not feeling safe with his arms around me. I remember the seemingly innocent touches, him watching me get dressed. I remember the first time he put his fingers there and how much it hurt.
I remember going to an outdoor carnival when I was 5 or 6. It's here every summer, but that particular summer a man and a women were abducting children from the carnival. I remember my mother warning me not to wander off because I could get taken. My parents put a sticker on the back of my shirt, one of those if lost please take to such and such place. I remember taking that sticker off and running away. I remember wishing that those people would take me away because it couldn't get any worse. I remember my parents finding me and the spanking I got. I remember my father taking me into a bathroom and hurting me telling me I'm getting what I deserved because I'm such a bad little girl. I remember thinking for the first time that I wished I was dead.
Watching that family made me really sad. It was a reminder of just how much I lost. How much we all lost as children. How much it affects us in our adults lives.
I often wonder what kind of parent I'll be. Will I be a good mom? I like to think that I will. I'm going to give my children everything I didn't have; safety, security, love, kindness, respect... at the same time I fear I will be over protective and suspicious of every man they have contact with, including their father. That scares me...