Monday, August 21, 2006


I was watching Nanny 911 - what can I say, I LOVE that show!! The family dynamics and watching the changes and the resistance of the family while attempting the changes is fascinating.

So, I was watching Nanny 911 and here was this family all settled down on the couch, the kids in their PJ's sitting on their parents laps being read a bedtime story, it was the picture of perfect... And all I could do was cry.

I felt sad and a great sense of loss. Pain.

I remember those nights before everything changed. I remember sitting on my fathers knee while he read to me, I remember being excited and happy. I remember feeling safe.

I remember when everything changed. When I became a terrified little girl. When sitting on my fathers knee made me feel scared. I remember not feeling safe with his arms around me. I remember the seemingly innocent touches, him watching me get dressed. I remember the first time he put his fingers there and how much it hurt.

I remember going to an outdoor carnival when I was 5 or 6. It's here every summer, but that particular summer a man and a women were abducting children from the carnival. I remember my mother warning me not to wander off because I could get taken. My parents put a sticker on the back of my shirt, one of those if lost please take to such and such place. I remember taking that sticker off and running away. I remember wishing that those people would take me away because it couldn't get any worse. I remember my parents finding me and the spanking I got. I remember my father taking me into a bathroom and hurting me telling me I'm getting what I deserved because I'm such a bad little girl. I remember thinking for the first time that I wished I was dead.

Watching that family made me really sad. It was a reminder of just how much I lost. How much we all lost as children. How much it affects us in our adults lives.

I often wonder what kind of parent I'll be. Will I be a good mom? I like to think that I will. I'm going to give my children everything I didn't have; safety, security, love, kindness, respect... at the same time I fear I will be over protective and suspicious of every man they have contact with, including their father. That scares me...


Scarlett_demon said...

Hey :)
I can totally relate to what you're saying. And you know what? You will be a good Mum, and yes you most likely will be over protective but this won't make you any less of a good Mum to your children. If anything it will make you a better Mum. I'm sure many people would say that I am over protective of my children and that I mollycoddle them, but I know that I am doing what I feel is right to keep them safe. I love my children more than anything and I never ever want them to experience pain or loss in the ways I have. I feel in many ways that I am a better Mum than many others who perhaps haven't experienced first hand what can happen to children.
It's sad that we've had to learn the things we have the way we have but I do honestly believe that in very many cases our experiences make us better parents, perhaps even better people?
There is nothing wrong with being suspicious of people around your children, even their father.
It really does strike me that you'll make a great Mum :)

jumpinginpuddles said...

not every man is like your father and in time you willsee they arent. You can stopa wheel from turning and i knoiw you will, you are worthy of anything you seek ok

survivor said...

Thanks Scarlett :)

I suppose you're right JIP, not every man is like my father. Thanks

Breeya said...

I can totally relate to what you say.
I wonder the same myself many times. My boyfriend and I have talked about children a few times, we both one to have children sometime. But... I have so many worries about it. I know I will also have problems trusting him, or however the father is. I would have a lot of trouble leaving my children in care. How do I know they are safe? I would even have problems trusting my own family.
I am worried that I would not only be overprotective but that I will make my children scared of everything/everyone.

I know not every man is like my father, or yours, but the question is how do I know who is and who isn't? My father was trusted by many people, and I know he still is. I know some still don't belive me.

Maybe SD is right and what we have been through make us better at protecting our children, I do hope so.

I really think you would make a good mother. Honestly really think so for what i have got to know about you.

Marj aka Thriver said...

I can relate. There's an adorable little girl who lives across the way from me. She's two and she's blonde and she talks really well. Some days I look out my window and see her; all precious and innocent and beautiful...and I just burst into tears and sob. She looks so much like me and my twin did at that age. We were precious and adorable, too. It's just that nobody treated us that way.

cheesemeister said...

I think you will be a good mother because you would never harm your child in the ways that you described. Nobody's perfect but if you try hard to do the right thing, you usually do good enough!
My son is turning out ok in spite of the fact that my bipolar was undiagnosed for most of his life and up until recently I could be kind of unreliable and sometimes, to my shame, verbally abusive when I was really irritable. It didn't happen that often but luckily he understands now. I think he forgives me better than I forgive me. Still, in spite of all that, I think I did ok most of the time or he'd be messed up, which he isn't.

survivor said...

It will be a very confusing/hard time Breeya... I agree with you, how do you know who to trust?

((((hugs)))) Marj - one of the hardest things for me is to see children, just breaks my heart...

Thanks Cie!