Sunday, August 06, 2006

A 4 year old

I spent time with my boyfriend's family yesterday. His cousin just had a baby, 3 weeks old, and has another daughter who just turned 4.

My boyfriend and I bought her a bike for her birthday. She was so happy, jumping around giggling. Full of life. Full of sweet innocence and trust.

I spent hours playing with her, pushing her on her bike all around the house. I held the baby for a while, and just stared at her while she slept in my arms.

It was glorious and heart wrenching.

I sat there watching the 4 year old little girl imagining myself at that age. How precious and vulnerable she is. How trusting and how much she needed her parents to take care of her. How much she needed all of us to take care of her and love her.

How could anyone want to hurt something so precious?

I can't put into words the pain and sadness I feel. The incredible loss.

I was just a little girl. A 4 year old girl when he came to my room for the first time. When he climbed into bed with me and held me close and started touching me I remember feeling scared and confused. I remember not liking it, but it was my DADDY. He was my hero. He was the man who would wake me up before he went to work so we could have breakfast together, Count Chocula cereal and strawberry jelly on toast. He was the man who would hold me on his knee and read me bedtime stories, changing the characters name to my own to make it more exciting. He was the man who would kiss my boo-boos better and wipe away my tears. He was the man who was hurting me at night, doing unthinkable things to a 4 year old girl.

10 comments:

Wanda's Wings said...

My heart breaks for you. I was also about 4, the first time my stepdad came into my room. A four year old baby is innocent and should never be harmed like this. I am so so sorry you never felt safe as a child. Once that safety is gone I wonder if it will ever return.

((Safe Hugs))

cheesemeister said...

It's horribly sad. Your father was a very, very sick man who sent a mixed message to you. It makes me cry to read this. I don't cry easily. I wish there was something that could erase the pain for you and so many others.
Peace and best wishes.

jumpinginpuddles said...

man im so sorry your day hurt you so bad, four year olds are meant to laugh play and be cool not suffer unspeakable loss, yet i know they live inside here and have lost the same.

Felicia

survivor said...

((((safe hugs)))) to all...

Wanda - I'm so very sorry. Wish I could take it all away...

Cie - sorry I made you cry... I too wish I could take it away from everyone

Felicia - I'm sorry you've lost the same... it's so very hard

Breeya said...

I have had similar thoughts when being around children myself. I can't understand how someone can hurt them.
I know you, I, and mnay ohers have lost something that we can not recover. I feel the sadness too.

The confusing messages, love and hurt. Trust and abuse.
I sometimes feel like my whole life I've lived two lifes.

I am sorry that your father was like that. I am sorry abut your lost childhood, the lost innocence...and eveything that it implies.
Just hope that one you'll be really truly happy (like you should have been then).

Marj aka Thriver said...

I'm so sorry. My heart just aches for that precious, beautiful, innocent little girl that was you.

Cassandra said...

Im sorry for everything that you have been through. I have the same thoughts when being around little kids, it makes it hard to accept and really realize how little we were. I was four also, and I was around my four year old twin cousins last weekend, and to realize, and really see how small and innocent I was. Hurt really bad. Just remember that you are not alone.

*hugs*

john michael said...

please remember you did nothing wrong and that you were the victim. it so hurts when the people who are supposed to love and protect us do the harm to us. i cannot find words to express how i feel.

peace and blessings to you

keepers and john

Anonymous said...

I'm actually happy for you.

Anonymous said...

My daddy hurt me too, and it started when I was four, and didn't end until I ran away at 18. My mom would even watch him sometimes.

I was gross, painful, and even dirty.

I'm only 19 now, and I have decided not to eat anymore. I feel like its the best way to ensure a slow and relatively easy death.