It's been a week since I last posted but it feels like a lifetime ago.
One my dearest friends has moved away. It was a very sad day last Thursday as we said our goodbyes and promised to keep in touch while he is away for a year. I know it's only a year and with the Internet it will be almost like he's still here, I will miss him terribly. He has a way of keeping me grounded and bringing the "real" me out...
The session with T last week went rather well. I was shocked really as I was almost ready to give up. I didn't talk to her about what I had mentioned previously but I felt more in control of the session and what we talked about than I ever have with T. We spent a lot of time talking about how I perceive myself to be the rock and how I'm responsible for everything, even things beyond my control. T challenged me in ways I haven't been challenged before and it helped to see from a different perspective how ridiculous that really is. I'm further along in understanding that I'm not responsible for my father, for Byron (the rape) or for my ex-husband. Further along, but so far away...
I talked to my sister yesterday. We haven't spoken in almost a year, and if it wasn't for my niece or nephew I wouldn't have talked to her. I actually went and saw them yesterday as well. It was incredible seeing the kids again. My niece ran up to me and jumped in my arms and gave me a huge hug... I didn't want to let her go! I can't believe how much she has grown, she's a beautiful little girl.
My nephew of course ran and hid when I got there. I had to go find him, which was rather easy because he was giggling. We did the knuckle shake (closed fist banged against the others close fist) and I gave him a noogie! He's grown a lot too and put on some weight which is awesome - the kid was skin and bones last time I saw him. We spent a lot of time talking and he talked to me about how much he hates school, and how his parents treat him (which is like crap) I choked back tears talking to him because he's my little man, not so little anymore I guess though, he's 13! I missed him like crazy. He said he missed having me to talk to because I'm cool and easy to talk to! He also asked when I was going to take him shopping because I'm the coolest Auntie and find the coolest clothes!! What a kid!
This week is going to be super busy. My boyfriend and I are going to Vancouver and Tofino for a week. I'm getting excited, more-so to take him there and see the look on his face when we get into Vancouver. The biggest city he has ever been in is the one we live in, and a million people is really not that big!
I'm also looking forward to the in person session with C. I remember last year in our first face to face I was beyond terrified and spent most of the time forcing myself to act calm. This time it will be different, we've been working together for over a year and I'm really comfortable with C. I want to delve into some heavy stuff during the two hour session but I don't really know where to start. Do I talk about how I'm discovering how the SA is affecting my relationship with my boyfriend? Do I talk about memories and the awful things he did to me? The nightmares? Or all of it?