The Cycle

Fuck.

I stopped writing because it's always the same thing over and over again.

"I feel like crying"
"I'm sad"
"I feel worthless"

Blah blah fucking blah.

Can you tell I'm angry? I am so fucking sick of all of those things. I have absolutely had it with all of this bullshit just creeping up and smothering me.

What do I do?

I don't know what to do.

I'm getting to the point where I just want to scream a big "FUCK YOU" and run in front of a bus.

Like a bug on a windshield. Splat. Peace. No feelings. No thoughts. Eternal peace.

Christ. I've lost it. Completely fuckin lost it.

And here I am telling myself this too shall pass... LIAR... this too shall pass... it passes but it always always always comes back.

I'm stuck on some demented merry-go-round. My feeble pleas ignored by the devil in a conductors suit. Oh wait.. maybe that's my father. Or maybe Byron...

Maybe it's me?

WTF is wrong with people

This is a rant about the serious decline of society...

I live by what I think is a basic rule: Treat others how I want to be treated. Easy and simple. Or so I thought.

I was grocery shopping last night and when I came out to my truck I found the passenger door was severely dented and scratched by the asshole in the van parked next to me. Based on the severity of the damage it wasn't a simple opening of their door and hitting mine, it's not a case of the wind catching the door and making contact with mine. This was a blatant opening of their door and smashing it into mine. They couldn't be bothered to leave a note or anything. I wrote down their license plate number and went into the store to have them paged. No one showed up. I sat in the parking lot for 3 hours waiting for them, no one showed up. I called J to come with my camera so I could take pictures of the damage to our truck and the paint transfer on their door.

I don't understand why someone would do that and not leave a note. If I did that, I would at least leave a note with my info or wait for the owner of the vehicle to come out so I could apologize and exchange info. I would feel horribly guilty if I didn't and I couldn't live with myself afterwards.

I work extremely hard for the things I have and I don't have much. What I do have, I take pride in. It makes me so angry when someone damages or steals my possessions.

Speaking of stealing... I put my smoke down outside like I always do if someone comes to the store. I served them and went back outside and in the span of a minute some fucking ass monkey stole my smoke. I saw a few punks walk past and I guess they just couldn't help themselves.

I've lost all faith I had in people. There are good people out there but there are just too few of them to combat the fucking inconsiderate assholes. Where are these peoples morales? Why are there so many of them?

I'm done. Fuck my rule. I have spent the majority of my life treating everyone I meet with respect and respecting their hard earned possessions. If no one wants to do the same, then fuck 'em.

If you can't beat 'em... join em.

Expectations

I am fuming. I am so fucking pissed off that I don't know what to do with the anger but I'm not turning it on myself so where do I put it?

Am I not allowed to be mad and frustrated? It seems by J's standards I'm always supposed to be smiles and sunshine. I'm not allowed to get frustrated with him and god forbid I try to talk to him because somehow, no matter what the situation, it turns into my fucking fault.

The day I quit my job is the day it seems everything started to run downhill.

J claimed that he was going to quit his job after his parents left and find something that pays more. I've heard this many times so I didn't want to put much faith into it but I guess I did. As far as I know he hasn't applied anywhere. He claims it's because he wants to keep his benefits so we can afford my not-so-anti-depressants. Well, if he got a job that paid more we could easily get Blue Cross and have nothing to worry about. I have been applying for jobs all over the place, but they're all male dominated jobs (warehouse, construction, driving) that I'm not getting call backs. I'm really struggling with this as I can easily do those jobs, earn great money but because I don't have a penis I'm not even given a chance. J could easily do those jobs but he won't even apply.

I feel like I'm in a pressure cooker with all the shit J is putting on me. There was a great job I interviewed for, and the person who referred me told me the manager said the interview went great. I haven't heard back. J constantly kept telling me I hope you get that job, you better get that job... Well I didn't and because I didn't I'm under even more pressure to find something else.

I don't understand why it's solely up to me to improve our situation.

Untitled

I feel inadequate. I feel like a failure. I feel lost.

The inadequacy is partly from my mother. It seems that nothing I do or how hard I work is not good enough. Last week she had me in tears. More than tears. Sobbing to the point of hyperventilating. You know as a little kid when you would get so upset that you gasped for air during a tantrum and breathed snot bubbles? That was me - minus the snot bubbles!

The woman is always on me about something. I do my best to block it out and ignore it but sometimes it eats through my extra tough exterior and just breaks me. Examples of such are completely eluding me at the moment which is probably good thing as I don't need to be reminded of the poison.

I heard back from C, thankfully the answer was yes we can still work together. Now I just need to figure out how I would like to proceed... email or phone sessions.

Phone sessions are more helpful. Emails are easier. I need more helpful. I want easier. I'm afraid I will sabotage myself with phone sessions by not talking about what I need to talk about. I'm good at that. Too good I think. C is even better at not letting me though.

Aw fuck... phone sessions. I'm making a pact with myself not to sabotage, not to fuck around but to be real and talk about what I need to talk about.

Running On Empty

I feel like screaming. Yelling. Shouting. Breaking something.

I'm fucked no matter which way I turn.

I've been on my own for almost a year now. In that year I think I've undone everything C or T helped me do. I'm an emotional wreck that even the jaws of life couldn't save.

I'm scared to contact C again and ask for help, although I have figured out a way to pay for sessions... the good ol' tax refund. With that I would be able to have 10 sessions. I'm worried that I'll waste them, that I won't be able to talk after all this time has passed. Maybe I'll ask C for email sessions to begin with as I am better at writing my feelings and thoughts as opposed to verbalizing them. Or is that just a way out from my fear? I really don't know.

OK, I did it. I sent C an email asking if we could still work together.

Now I wait...

Money Matters

I'm annoyed.

I'm in a place where I need help but can't get it.

I can't afford it!

Thanks to the supposed boom in Alberta all of the free counselling services are overloaded and the waiting period is a minimum of six to nine months. What the fuck? It's no wonder the suicide rate is going up. The only way I can get help is if I go to the Psych ward at the University and hope they would accept me. In reality even if they did accept me I don't think it would - I don't and can't trust people right away and it would take a while to build trust to open up and talk.

I really don't know what I'm going to do. I have been very tempted to start self harming again because I know it would help me now, but I also know it will harm me in the long run. I read on a self help site to use ice or an elastic band on my wrist and snap it but neither works well or provides the relief and numbing effect I so desire. I'm not sure how much longer I can keep those urges at bay. The other night I almost did it in front of J but I bit my lip till it bled instead. I guess that maybe that is self harm, but not my chosen form of it.

My sister is fueling what I'm going through. We sold our lake lot and she sent an email telling me to be proud to be the product of a pedophile.

Ouch!

She was abused by him as well, but she doesn't know I was and I will never tell her. I'm ignoring her email by not replying but what she said is driving me insane and fueling the guilt that has built back up.

I have never looked at myself from that angle but I am the product of evil.

I am the product of a pedophile.

Fucking lovely.

Just One Thing After Another

Does this plague everyone? Is everyone else in the world constantly getting slammed with one fucking thing after another? It seems be what my life has always been and will always be.

I'm not complaining. I'm making an observation.

Ok, I am complaining. I am bitching and whining and just generally pissed off with the world.

J's (my fiance) parents have been living with us since January. They came out to the prairies to work, make some cash and go back to Newfoundland. They leave on Friday. I hate to say it, but I can't wait to drop them off at the airport.

I had been warned that J's mom was a little crazy but assured that I had nothing to worry about. Boy was I told wrong.

I like his mom, when she's not crazy! I like his dad, when he's not being a chauvinistic pig or drunk.

I've been under scrutiny for four months and it has been somewhat hellish. If I say or do something that is not mom "approved" I get horribly evil looks. I have recently started to return those looks!

She has made it clear I am NOT part of their family and I believe I never will be. I believe that actions speak louder than words. Sometimes. One night she cooked dinner (which I am expected to do, but I don't always) and filled up her husbands, J's and his brothers plates and set the table leaving mine empty. This told me that I am not part of her family.

We have a grocery money jar which everyone puts in sixty dollars every two weeks. When she goes shopping she will only buy enough for the four of them and leave me out. Yet again, I am NOT part of her family.

This bothers me. It actually hurts.

Writing this actually makes it seem trivial and I feel foolish. Oh well.

I kind of resent J's family right now. We are in the process of trying to sell our house and move to BC but because J's parents needed to come and work we had to put that off and are now on the verge of loosing the acreage in BC because we had to take our house off the market for a few months. I feel taken advantage of. I let it happen though so only I am responsible

To top it off, with me quitting my job and taking a job as a cashier in a convenient store making a quarter of what I did we are now completely broke and sinking. I'm happier with the job but now am more stressed out due to financial worries. It seems I can't win... but can anyone really?

I am also severely depressed. I'm still taking Effexor but I don't think it's working anymore if that's possible. I have a heck of a time getting out of bed in the morning and going to work. When I get home I go back to bed and crawl out only to eat dinner then head straight back to bed. I'm not sleeping either, just lying there like a zombie watching TV but not really seeing it.

I went for a drive the other night because I was upset and needed to burn off some steam. When I do this, I drive recklessly and speed excessively. I discovered my car has a governor and the top speed I can reach is 160km/hr. I kept wanting to drive into the ditch or hit something but I didn't because I was afraid I wouldn't die instantly and it might hurt. It scares that that is the only reason I didn't.

10 years

Yesterday marked the 10 year anniversary since I was raped.

It was a horrible day, but not just because of what the day was to me.

I quit my job.

My fiance (we got engaged on Christmas Day) presented me with a beautiful bouquet of Gerber Daisies which are my favorite and when he gave me them to me I cried.

I haven't written for an incredibly long time and I miss it. I have needed to write, but if I didn't then nothing was real. I know this trick all too well. If I ignore it, it goes away. Ignore it for months and up rears it's ugly head and gobbles me whole, eating everything I have worked so hard to achieve. This is where I am now.

I hated getting out of bed to go to work, so I stopped going. They demoted me so I quit. I have no idea what I'm going to do I just know I don't want to work there anymore. I do know I need a break but can't afford it. I'm seriously considering going to work at Wal-Mart or something similar. Any place I can go into myself and run on auto pilot.

I feel like I'm back to where I was a year and a half ago. I'm lost. I've veered so far off the path and stumbled in so many different directions I don't know how to get back.

I need help, yet I find myself too scared and weak to ask for it...