Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Just One Thing After Another

Does this plague everyone? Is everyone else in the world constantly getting slammed with one fucking thing after another? It seems be what my life has always been and will always be.

I'm not complaining. I'm making an observation.

Ok, I am complaining. I am bitching and whining and just generally pissed off with the world.

J's (my fiance) parents have been living with us since January. They came out to the prairies to work, make some cash and go back to Newfoundland. They leave on Friday. I hate to say it, but I can't wait to drop them off at the airport.

I had been warned that J's mom was a little crazy but assured that I had nothing to worry about. Boy was I told wrong.

I like his mom, when she's not crazy! I like his dad, when he's not being a chauvinistic pig or drunk.

I've been under scrutiny for four months and it has been somewhat hellish. If I say or do something that is not mom "approved" I get horribly evil looks. I have recently started to return those looks!

She has made it clear I am NOT part of their family and I believe I never will be. I believe that actions speak louder than words. Sometimes. One night she cooked dinner (which I am expected to do, but I don't always) and filled up her husbands, J's and his brothers plates and set the table leaving mine empty. This told me that I am not part of her family.

We have a grocery money jar which everyone puts in sixty dollars every two weeks. When she goes shopping she will only buy enough for the four of them and leave me out. Yet again, I am NOT part of her family.

This bothers me. It actually hurts.

Writing this actually makes it seem trivial and I feel foolish. Oh well.

I kind of resent J's family right now. We are in the process of trying to sell our house and move to BC but because J's parents needed to come and work we had to put that off and are now on the verge of loosing the acreage in BC because we had to take our house off the market for a few months. I feel taken advantage of. I let it happen though so only I am responsible

To top it off, with me quitting my job and taking a job as a cashier in a convenient store making a quarter of what I did we are now completely broke and sinking. I'm happier with the job but now am more stressed out due to financial worries. It seems I can't win... but can anyone really?

I am also severely depressed. I'm still taking Effexor but I don't think it's working anymore if that's possible. I have a heck of a time getting out of bed in the morning and going to work. When I get home I go back to bed and crawl out only to eat dinner then head straight back to bed. I'm not sleeping either, just lying there like a zombie watching TV but not really seeing it.

I went for a drive the other night because I was upset and needed to burn off some steam. When I do this, I drive recklessly and speed excessively. I discovered my car has a governor and the top speed I can reach is 160km/hr. I kept wanting to drive into the ditch or hit something but I didn't because I was afraid I wouldn't die instantly and it might hurt. It scares that that is the only reason I didn't.

No comments: