Friday, February 15, 2008

10 years

Yesterday marked the 10 year anniversary since I was raped.

It was a horrible day, but not just because of what the day was to me.

I quit my job.

My fiance (we got engaged on Christmas Day) presented me with a beautiful bouquet of Gerber Daisies which are my favorite and when he gave me them to me I cried.

I haven't written for an incredibly long time and I miss it. I have needed to write, but if I didn't then nothing was real. I know this trick all too well. If I ignore it, it goes away. Ignore it for months and up rears it's ugly head and gobbles me whole, eating everything I have worked so hard to achieve. This is where I am now.

I hated getting out of bed to go to work, so I stopped going. They demoted me so I quit. I have no idea what I'm going to do I just know I don't want to work there anymore. I do know I need a break but can't afford it. I'm seriously considering going to work at Wal-Mart or something similar. Any place I can go into myself and run on auto pilot.

I feel like I'm back to where I was a year and a half ago. I'm lost. I've veered so far off the path and stumbled in so many different directions I don't know how to get back.

I need help, yet I find myself too scared and weak to ask for it...

8 comments:

Lynn said...

Hi, Survivor. Welcome back. I kept checking in just in case you ever wanted to stop back in and say something.

You wrote, "I'm seriously considering going to work at Wal-Mart or something similar. Any place I can go into myself and run on auto pilot." -- I SO understand this! I really do. I have had some of the same kinds of thoughts! I need to work again at something some day. I have nearly always been self-employed. I understand why now. It was for the times I felt like this and could not continue normally. I could give some work away to others and keep a low profile for a while.

I hope writing about it again helps. It's not fair that it won't just stay away.

Anonymous said...

Hang in there. It's hard to enjoy an holiday when all you think about is the ugliness that's happened. Don't let that happen... It's not as easy as it sounds, but if you let it happen then the rapist wins. Enjoy your life! Congrats on the engagement!

-Julia

Anonymous said...

You are strong. Do not believe anything else. You will find the light again...

Thurloe said...

Congratulations on the engagement, first of all. I stumbled upon your blog sometime late last year and read through it. For me, it was a very compressed story (and even then it took days to go through), but to think you live it and face it with this voice that I can't even describe gives me hope about a great many things.

You have a wonderfully honest writing style, an earnest need to help others that is infectious (and shows through your blog roll) and I guess I just wanted to say that since I didn't know if you were finished or not with the blog.

With two people working, you can take a different type of job. I frequently wanted one where I could turn my mind off. What makes a job least stressful is not the work itself, but those around you. You need to find somewhere that no matter what you end up doing for the work, you enjoy the people during the breaks.

Even loud noises and living near airports increases people's blood pressure (a lot evidently). So find something that gives you a spark in some other way if the work itself is not challenging (and that is what you want). Maybe work in a great environment. A flower shop. Or outdoors. Or just with a friend who can help you when you are not at your best by taking some of the emotional load and pushing it to laughter instead of tears.

If you are both working, the paycheck might not be as important as well. But as for your last point, you should never feel too weak to ask for help. You just need to find the right person to ask. Find someone you have built a relationship with, even if it is an old one that severed because of changing moods/depression.

Start light if you want, then ask them their advice. That is what friends do. Work your way up to leaning your full weight on their shoulder if you want, but know that it is much easier for them to carry a little bit of your weight than to watch you from afar and see you fall.

Hazel said...

Hi Hon, Hang in there. Anniversaries are always hard. As for job search I also totally understand your desire to work while on auto pilot. I hope you find something suitable.

Personally I've found cleaning is a good auto pilot and also rewarding job when you're where you seem to be. Same with yard work. Quiet, solitary and repetitive yielding immediate results.

Also remember spring is coming! Good weather, lots of sun, warmth!

Sending you affection and strength.

No Nonsense Girl said...

Hi survivor,

Real friends are there if you ask for help. Opening up and letting yourself be vulnerable will help you heal in the long run.

(((((gentle hugs))))

amit said...

My girl friend was raped two years ago n it has so affected me. She was always there for me since childhood. After sharing 15 years of life together, she left me just like that. I don't blame her. If it can affect me so much, i can only imagine what she might would have felt. I too feel that i'm on auto pilot. I need help, but don't know whom to ask.

Mark said...

I think your blog is great.

I started up a new website for Canadian victim's of sexual assault. There's a discussion board and other resources there.

The address is http://www.fortheabused.ca

I can link to your blog if you like. If you would link to my site from your blog that would be greatly appreciated as well.

Thanks