Thursday, May 22, 2008


I feel inadequate. I feel like a failure. I feel lost.

The inadequacy is partly from my mother. It seems that nothing I do or how hard I work is not good enough. Last week she had me in tears. More than tears. Sobbing to the point of hyperventilating. You know as a little kid when you would get so upset that you gasped for air during a tantrum and breathed snot bubbles? That was me - minus the snot bubbles!

The woman is always on me about something. I do my best to block it out and ignore it but sometimes it eats through my extra tough exterior and just breaks me. Examples of such are completely eluding me at the moment which is probably good thing as I don't need to be reminded of the poison.

I heard back from C, thankfully the answer was yes we can still work together. Now I just need to figure out how I would like to proceed... email or phone sessions.

Phone sessions are more helpful. Emails are easier. I need more helpful. I want easier. I'm afraid I will sabotage myself with phone sessions by not talking about what I need to talk about. I'm good at that. Too good I think. C is even better at not letting me though.

Aw fuck... phone sessions. I'm making a pact with myself not to sabotage, not to fuck around but to be real and talk about what I need to talk about.


Lynn said...

I'm so glad the answer is yes!

survivor said...

Thanks lynn.. me too!

The Survivor said...

I'm glad for the positive answer. :)

NOLA radfem said...

I think that no matter how old we get, our mothers can still get to us like no one else. They can make us feel loved and valued like no one else, but they can really hurt us and drag us down like no one else. I guess it's because they were the ones taking care of us back when we were helpless, you know? I think it's something all women struggle with - or so my therapist tells me (Lol).

Take care of yourself.