Friday, May 02, 2008

Money Matters

I'm annoyed.

I'm in a place where I need help but can't get it.

I can't afford it!

Thanks to the supposed boom in Alberta all of the free counselling services are overloaded and the waiting period is a minimum of six to nine months. What the fuck? It's no wonder the suicide rate is going up. The only way I can get help is if I go to the Psych ward at the University and hope they would accept me. In reality even if they did accept me I don't think it would - I don't and can't trust people right away and it would take a while to build trust to open up and talk.

I really don't know what I'm going to do. I have been very tempted to start self harming again because I know it would help me now, but I also know it will harm me in the long run. I read on a self help site to use ice or an elastic band on my wrist and snap it but neither works well or provides the relief and numbing effect I so desire. I'm not sure how much longer I can keep those urges at bay. The other night I almost did it in front of J but I bit my lip till it bled instead. I guess that maybe that is self harm, but not my chosen form of it.

My sister is fueling what I'm going through. We sold our lake lot and she sent an email telling me to be proud to be the product of a pedophile.


She was abused by him as well, but she doesn't know I was and I will never tell her. I'm ignoring her email by not replying but what she said is driving me insane and fueling the guilt that has built back up.

I have never looked at myself from that angle but I am the product of evil.

I am the product of a pedophile.

Fucking lovely.


Lynn said...

I am the product of the same. But I am not him. There is a part of us that they can never, ever touch. I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time right now. I hope things will improve soon.

Anonymous said...

I am the product of a pedophile but I am not him.

I know what you mean about self harming, I haven't cut myself in 4 years but sometimes it would be suck a fucking relief.

I have been lucky to have a friend who is also a father figure to me. A sane one, a real one. One who doesn't wanna touch me or fuck me. A real father figure I trust 100% and have let go of my barrier because I trust him. My former psych told me i would have won the battle the day I'd have a father figure in my life that I would trust 100% and with whom there'd be no sex.

I soo know what you feel. I'm sorry for your pain.

Sending you gentle hugs if OK?

Hang in there k? :)

TigrMchine said...

Why won't you tell your sister?

And I agree with Lynn. You are not him; regardless of who he was, YOU can create good in the world.

survivor said...

I won't tell my sister because she doesn't need to know. If blaming me helps her, she can blame me all she wants. It's a different situation for us both, as this is my biological father and he adopted my sister who is my half sister.

TigrMchine said...


Here's a hypothesis. I'm not a pro, disregard my advice as silly or off the mark. I'm basing this off the following

1. You have issues with self-harm.
2. You let your sister blame you.
3. You don't think your sister needs to know the truth.

Is it possible, that letting your sister blame you is another form of self-harm? I pose the question because I, an outsider, don't understand how blaming you benefits your sister.

survivor said...

I used to blame myself for what happened for all of those years. I thought I did something to deserve it. I now know I didn't, that it was all the bastards fault. Well, at least a part of me knows this because I sought and received help. My sister on the other hand has never gotten help and she still maintains a somewhat close relationship to the bastard and it's because of that relationship I don't think she blames him but blames me because as far as she knows, she was the only one. By blaming me I hope it allows her to not blame herself.

I don't know if I explained that very well.

TigrMchine said...

I understand what you mean. Blaming someone, anyone might give her relief.

I'm not convinced this is healthy though. As long as she blames you she never has to acknowledge it's her father's fault. Maybe one day she'll get therapy and the two of you can build a stronger relationship

Caroline said...

I am too,

but fuck! it wasn't your fault! and have you pressed charges? is he in prison yet?

I'm so sorry for everything that you have gone through, and I know exactly how it feels, how it effects your every day life, relationships.

Tell your sister what happened, she needs to know.

Anonymous said...


Last week I went on a so called DATE with a man whom portrayed himself as a college graduate in business and also stated he was a teacher. I felt like it was a good idea to meet this person as we had business studies in common as I went to school for business as well.
I have RA with other disabilities in-tow in which I am on medication for.

That evening I was in pain yet eager to meet someone as I have not really dated in several year since my divorce in which I did have a friend and we would go out to play pool, nothing serious. Well getting back to the evening meeting this person I had taken my meds for pain and we had met in the park. We met said our hellos then this person needed a ride back to his car. He seemed harmless so I went a long and gave him a ride back to his car and talk until we arrive to the lot his car was in, I parked.

Being reminded that I was overweight yet this man said he did not mind as he liked women with weight on them, well.. He kissed me, remember I am in somewhat of a daze he continued to kiss me, then he grabbed my breast telling me how firm they were. It just was not sinking in that I was being treated like trash as I was told by people I tell the story to, no better than a prostitute. Manhandled like a rapist just like my step father had done to me for years. I think I went into shock state. He pulled out one my breast then grabbed my hand and placed it into his pants just like my step father use to do to me. He took me back to my incest ridden past.
Again I was abused and could not defend myself.

I was called and talked down to by this man on my beliefs of the Bible and the Catholic Church, I was told I was fat yet I have a beautiful face.

He ended telephone conversation with I LOVE YOU, and in a few days we can have SEX!

Shock, fear again.

That last time something like this happened was a little over a year ago I was in the hospital hooked to heart monitors on the telemetry floor for 24 hours worried about this person coming back. My vehicle at the fire department because I did not want to drive home as I was so scared
I was really dying my blood pressure was at stroke level and an ambulance was called for me as I was worked up in front of the station and stabilized to be transported. Thank you station thirteen.

When will people see me for just being a person, a nice person, when? There are monsters in the world and I meet them all..

Anonymous said...

i just wanted to let you know that you are an incredibly strong, beautiful and admirable person. my brother raped me when i was a child and i dont think i've ever read someone who was so honest with their experiences. it has messed me up for my entire life, and i must say you are an inspiration to put this all out here, because i have never told a soul what happened to me because of my brother, and i seriously doubt i ever will

DogwoodChef said...

i am SO sorry for all that you have been through, but I have to say that you are INCREDIBLE....because you have survived....i am glad to have found your blog...thank you for being SO very very brave, as to speak out and tell your story.