Friday, May 02, 2008

Money Matters

I'm annoyed.

I'm in a place where I need help but can't get it.

I can't afford it!

Thanks to the supposed boom in Alberta all of the free counselling services are overloaded and the waiting period is a minimum of six to nine months. What the fuck? It's no wonder the suicide rate is going up. The only way I can get help is if I go to the Psych ward at the University and hope they would accept me. In reality even if they did accept me I don't think it would - I don't and can't trust people right away and it would take a while to build trust to open up and talk.

I really don't know what I'm going to do. I have been very tempted to start self harming again because I know it would help me now, but I also know it will harm me in the long run. I read on a self help site to use ice or an elastic band on my wrist and snap it but neither works well or provides the relief and numbing effect I so desire. I'm not sure how much longer I can keep those urges at bay. The other night I almost did it in front of J but I bit my lip till it bled instead. I guess that maybe that is self harm, but not my chosen form of it.

My sister is fueling what I'm going through. We sold our lake lot and she sent an email telling me to be proud to be the product of a pedophile.


She was abused by him as well, but she doesn't know I was and I will never tell her. I'm ignoring her email by not replying but what she said is driving me insane and fueling the guilt that has built back up.

I have never looked at myself from that angle but I am the product of evil.

I am the product of a pedophile.

Fucking lovely.